Recycling

This is from 5/07. I should have posted this awhile back but I've been real busy and it just slipped my mind.

There was a rally at my mom's college that was about the environment and global warming. I thought it would be fun to go to it and maybe "get involved". There were a couple of people that were invited to speak and along with some of the faculty and students. There was a couple of local bands that played at it. My mom is part of the college community, so she went but wasn't a speaker (it was like she had to go but it wasn't an official "you have to go" if you know what I mean). I went along with her. I didn't go to be one of those people that shout sarcastic crap from the back, I went because I wanted to hear more about things. I want to know what other people think and do. I like to hear what people stand for, especially very outspoken people.
So we got there early. We went by my mom's office. She stayed there while I went to the football stadium. I got to see alot of the people get there. It was on the outside of the stadium but the stadium was open for bathroom usage. I went into the stands and sat on the top. I watched all of the people arrive. It was cool to watch all the people just filter in. You can see alot of stuff from there and it was behind the stage, so I was like a peeping tom.
But I noticed a few things as I was up there. The students that put it on were running around getting things organized. I watched them for awhile cause I knew a couple of them. First thing was some of them were drinking from plastic water/coke bottles. There was a older guy (he turned out to be one of the guest speakers) that got there just before the rally started. He actually had a Styrofoam cup from the Exxon station from up the street. I just thought it was funny and not what I expected (I promise I was not going to this thing to see how I could see bad aspects of these people).
Just before it started, I went out to the area in front of the stage. I got up kinda close to the stage and listened to the speakers. It wasn't a big "You got to change your ways or we die" kind of thing. I actually enjoyed it alot. The main speakers talked about things that individual people can do to make a difference and stuff like that. I mainly got the message that I wanted to hear. We need to change our own way of life. We need to do things ourselves and not rely on other people or the government(s) to do it. Then a few of the more prominent students did their thing. I didn't like that as much. To me, it seemed they wanted to get applause and stuff like that, more than actually make a difference or say anything worth listening to. Their main message was let's blame it on somebody (mainly the government, our parents, grandparents, and the republicans), which got me irritated and nosey. I know a couple of them from my mom's office and classes, and they are anything but environmentally friendly.
So then the bands played and after that, some of the faculty spoke. I liked a couple of them but a couple of them I didn't like. The one's I didn't like was because they were so pompous and self-righteous. I don't like that. And it wasn't something that sounded like it was important to them but it was like they had a script that they had to follow. The one's that I liked spoke and acted like they were speaking from the heart. It was something that they cared about and it wasn't token lame-assed blame fests. I may not agree with some people but if they are honest and sincere, I will at least listen to them. I like people that are like that. So it ended with the students that set it up going on stage and getting credit/recognition for it from the crowd.
I went to the football stadium and watched the crowd leave and the cleaning crew start their part (there was a ton of trash which I didn't expect). I knew mom was in her office by then, waiting for things to clear out and for me to show up. But I was feeling good (I didn't get sick the whole time or even feel tired) and I was waiting for the couple of students that I knew that had spoke during the rally to leave. I wanted to see what they were driving. I was pretty sure what 2 of them drove. One had a BMW convertible. She was a rich Dad's girl that got everything she wanted. The 2 guys that I knew from mom's office and classes were in big gas hog extended cab trucks. And the other girl was in a big SUV. And one of the prof's that I liked got into a big double cab truck which kinda irritated me. I expected him to drive a VW or a Prius, but not that.
But I did like the rally even if no one else actually cared what it was about. I know that things are hardly ever what they appear to be but I got something out of it. We had almost stopped drinking from plastic bottles but after that we did stop. We got real glass pictures and a water filter on our cold water line that goes to the kitchen sink and fridge. We have metal containers lined with glass to use when we are away from home. At home we drink from real glasses. We stopped getting stuff in plastic bags if possible (alot of times we will carry stuff out of the store if they only have plastic bags). My dad has started using a big 50 gallon drum to drain used oil into so we can take it to a recycling center. We recycle everything we can even if it cost us a little bit. We found a couple of different places that recycles. Some are just standard recycle centers but there are places that will take cardboard, paper, plastic, oil, etc. We have 2 5 gallon buckets that we pour our used vegetable oil into and we give it to this guy that converted his diesel car to where it runs on veg oil (it's smells like a french fry when it goes past you).
I'm not saying we are radical environmentalist or anything like that, but we have changed how we do alot of things. And it just feels like the right thing to do and it's got to be healthier to drink from glass containers. I don't know where the water in stores comes from but I do know where the water I drink comes from. It's for the most part, from our filtered kitchen faucet. I know that instead of throwing out all of that stuff, we are better off dealing with it in the right way instead of adding to the every growing problem. I feel better and I think we all do. My dad is driving a company car now, which gets very good gas mileage instead of his truck. My mom's car gets good gas mileage but she is thinking about getting a hybrid. She has been on that kick for a couple of months and she also wants dad to get rid of his truck, but he's not going to give up his truck without a fight. But he has started going "green" at the office and stuff. Both of my parents try to do the right thing and I think it's cool.
Man if dad comes home with solar panels and expects me to help put them up, he's out of his mind. I'm not going on the roof for any reason except for real high water. lol

An Interesting Opportunity

My mom and dad have been talking to me since we moved up here about college. My college fund is set. I have enough to go to college and not have to work unless I want to. But they have been talking to me lately about buying some properties inside and/or outside of the town where I go to college and have me manage them. The business will be in my mom's name cause of some financial reasons but I will own half of it. What we want to do is to get into the black on the books as soon as possible (I won't need a real salary because I already have my college fund set and it is more than I ill need so I will probably just put my money back into the company) and then start putting our profits back into other properties. But this will be a way for me to make real a real step toward being independent and get real experience running a business. I didn't know that my parents made the same offer to both my sister and brother. Both didn't want to do it for different reasons. My sister didn't want to do it because she thought it would be more than she could handle. I know she could have done it but it would probably have been really physically hard for her to do some of the things that would have to be done. My brother didn't want to do it because he is just lazy. He had his college fund and had enough money to do the things he wanted to do without having to do this. But I like it. And I said yes right off the bat.
The way they told me it would be is that they would buy the properties with their money, from government grants, and the rest from loans (we think that it will be a small loan maybe on the property that I own or on the business it's self). At first he wanted to set up an office space in his office building to handle the financial part of it but we talked about it for a few days and decided to have that done where ever we have our office. Then we thought about it for a few more days and decided that it would be too big of an expense to have that many people on full time employment for such a small venture. We do plan to expand as we can but to start off, it was just too many people. After we get more properties we will hire somebody to do that locally and try to be completely independent of his company. But in the mean time, he will have someone in his office handle the financial part of it (take care of the taxes, pay bills, do payroll, etc, and just have a Realtor/office manager and Secretary at the office. My part of it will be to collect the rent from overdue renters (both of my parents said that I will always have at least one other guy with me when I do that), in bad cases I would be the one to tell renters that they have to move out and start the eviction process, oversee the properties, do the things that I can do as far as repairs, and to have reliable bonded people to call in to do the repairs that I can't do myself.
One of the properties will be mine. We will have a small office in the town I'm living in. My dad will help me set up my part of it so things will be set up right and he will hire the realtor/office manager to set it up. He will use his lawyers to handle the legal part of it and they will be our lawyers also. We will be linked to his office thru the Internet and phones. I will have to get and use a cell phone (I can't wait for that), have a reliable car (a new car) and have a work truck or van, have and use credit cards, set up accounts in the town at the places that I will have to do alot of business (he will help me with that) and have a few guys (probably other college students) that will be able to work part time for us (which means that I will have to have a good office set up in my house cause I don't want to be part of the main office). He told me that I will have to find those people to work with me because I need to find people that I can work with and rely on to do what I need done.
We talked about how much we are willing to put into this and what kind of properties we want to get (he had already done the research for all of this and had it all in a folder). Like I said, they have been wanting to do this for years. We all agreed that one of the properties should be a storage place (like a rental storage place) because we will need a place to store things that are not needed in the apartments and houses (we will use one of the units to store stuff and rent the rest), plus people are always leaving furniture and things like that when they move out. If we can find a small type building like a small store, we may just use it for storage. And if we need to have a furnished apartment, it would be nice to have the things on hand. My mom said that we will be going to alot of yard sales that spring and summer to find living room sets, dining room sets, and bedroom sets to keep from spending a fortune on new stuff. I will have to have a very good set of tools (everything from screwdrivers to saws to a portable air compressor, to screw guns/nail guns, to lawnmowers and weed eaters, to carpet cleaners, ....). Besides the little things like unclogging sinks and toilets, fixing broken water pipes, changing locks, and stuff like that; I will be responsible for mowing the properties, minor landscaping, minor carpentry repairs, cleaning vacant units, painting the inside after people move out, fixing holes in the walls and stuff like that, replacing appliances, inspecting rented units monthly at least, and being the person that tells renters that they are doing something wrong. I will also be the person that is on call when renters call about problems but they will also be able to call or go to the office.
I guess that it's a good thing that I have always been in the middle of everything my dad has done around the house. I've got the experience to do this I think. The only thing I don't have that much experience with is electrical. But that is what electricians are for. I know that I will have to have 2 reliable bonded electricians, plumbers, and carpenters. The reason for 2 of each is that in an emergency, it's a better chance of getting the work done if you have a backup. My dad will help me set up contracts with them and with other businesses like pest control, hardware stores, office supplies, locksmiths, advertising in realtor guides and newspapers, insurance, a printing company for company stationary: letter heads with the company logo and name, business cards, etc, heating and air contractors, small engine repair, etc. It's alot of stuff that I would never be able to do without help: alot of help.
We decided that the house that I will live in will have an out building/shop on the property even if we have to build it, and use it store my all of the tools and stuff (we decided it needed to be very accessible to me so the closer the better). He said that he would have one of the guys that works for him at his main office come down and help me set it up with the things that I will need, and set up the shop and work vehicle (this guy is awesome and knows what he is doing). We decided that we would try for 10 to 15 units (some houses, some duplexes, and some apartments with multiple units).
We talked about this for days. They both really pressed me hard to make sure that I wanted to do this. They kept telling me that if I didn't want to or think that I wouldn't be able to do it or handle it, that it was ok for me to tell them no. But I'm all for it. It sounds great. I'm at least 2 years away from this but now is the time to make the decision. But if at some point before we buy the properties that any of us decide not to do it, we can just stop. And we are not going to buy the properties till the spring/summer before I start college. So things can change before then. But as of now, it is on. I've been really excited about this since we started talking about it. It just seems too good to be true and such a great way to start my adult life.
I know it will make things that a little harder as far as class work and social life, but man it's great that my parents are willing to invest in me and trust me will that responsibility. I told them that if we do this, I don't want anybody (people outside of the our little company) to know that I am the boss. I don't want the people living in our apartments/houses to know that I'm their landlord or anything like that. The only person there that will know that is the people in the office. I want everybody else to think I just work there.
Man I'm excited. This is so great. I know that I will have to deal with people but it really feels good that my parents see me as a person who can do this. But it's also scary cause it is alot of responsibility. I know that I can't mess up. I can't let them down. It's not just letting them down either but it will effect them financially if I mess this up. It could really hurt my dad's standing in his other businesses. It's not a small thing they are doing. But I'm still excited and ready to do it NOW. If I could get done with my treatments, take my GED, SAT/ACT, and then try to get into the school that I want to go to (Ole Miss); we would start this spring. But I have to get done with my treatments and get into full remission before we can start any of this.
Right after this came up, I talked to William. I didn't know that he had turned this down then. He acted like I had slapped him in the face. It was weird. And I don't understand it. He was offered it and turned it down.

After Kieran died I guess Uncle James and dad talked about this (or it could have been before he died). They decided to go ahead with it. I really don't own part of it like Kieran would have. But for the most part, I am doing what he would have done with Cody helping me. They set it up just like he wrote about. And it's been a very interesting term for me. Some of it has been very unpleasant but for the most part, it's been just a job. I didn't have the college fund Kieran had but I do have enough to take care of things. I have a rent free house. I have a new car. I have credit cards: company and personal. I am the boss here but dad and Uncle James are the real bosses but they haven't been that involved in how things are run. Both me and Cody get paid well. And in a way, we are part owners through my dad. I know that Kieran would have probably had everything running like a Swiss clock but we have been doing alright. We haven't had any major problems, and by next summer, we will be looking for some more properties. I ran an ad in the local paper and posted on the board in the quad about part time work. Me and Cody interviewed everybody that answered the wanted ads and hired 5 guys that have been great. 2 of them actually live in one of the apartments and another lives in the house down the street from where I live. So it's great having them close at hand and all of them have been great workers. But I keep thinking that if he had lived, I think Kieran would have doubled the size of the units in 2 years. He just had a way of willing things to happen. Man I miss him. It's hard to not think of him because everything I do is what he was supposed to be doing right now. Maybe I would have been involved but I know that he would have been running this thing like a business man who had been doing it for 25 years.
By the way, I don't think he was finished with this entry but that was all he had written down. I'm still working through his journals but I'm still not close to the end. And I'm still finding online accounts where he has stuck his writing. I will be reading along and find a new web site with his id and password in the margins. How he kept up with them, I will never know?

2/06

My aunt has been talking to my parents about me. She is worried that I don't have any friends and I spend too much time by myself in my on world. She is worried that there is something wrong with me because I never interact with them or anybody. Plus over the last couple of weeks, some of my teachers have called my aunt about how I am at school and they think I need counseling. They say the same thing, that I'm not involved in anything or anybody. My mom asked me if anything was wrong and I said no. I don't like it here and I miss home. I don't like living with my aunt and uncle. I miss my friends and my old school. But there isn't anything wrong that I know of. So they came up Friday and stayed till Monday afternoon, so they can go to my school and talk to my teachers. Yeahhhhhhhhhh. That was all I needed.
It was nice having them here for the weekend. We spent alot of time together cause my aunt and uncle went to Tunica till Sunday night. So it was great. We talked about some things but I think they knew that things were ok with me. I wasn't gonna go and shoot up the school, or burn the house down in the middle of the night. I just really don't like it here. I think school would be ok if it wasn't for living in this house with these people. I can't tell them that they don't want me here or that they think I'm a freak. So I just have to deal with it till things get cleared up at home. As soon as school is over, I'm going back home so I can help and also get away from here.
Monday we had a meeting with the principle (who is a friend of my parents from high school). My parents also talked to my teachers and told them that I am just quiet. They told them that I had rather be outside doing something and not being part of some superficial social group. They asked if my grades were bad or some other sign of trouble, and the answer was a big no. My lowest grade in any class is a 94 and I don't cause trouble in class or at school. So my parents asked why they were worried about me. Mom said they didn't have much of an answer. They just said that I didn't act like the other kids in my class. Big Whoop. So in the eyes of my teachers, any kid that is different is a threat. So my parents and the principle were really unhappy with the way the teachers are dealing with me. I don't know if that is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. They may be out for me now but I don't think there will be any problems. It's funny the way this went. My mom is really down on public education right now. If she really got going with her views when she was talking to those teachers, she would have really layed into them. She has the educational background to tear them apart. They should be really happy that she didn't get going. But I'm sure that she made it very clear that she wasn't happy that they had to come up here to explain to them that her son who didn't cause any trouble, had one of the highest GPAs in my class, was troubling them because I didn't talk enough for them. Sometimes I really wonder about the complete stupidity in some people.
But man it was great having them up here for the weekend. Saturday we got up and went out for breakfast. Then we went shopping for some clothes and new shoes. We got some McDonalds for lunch and ate at the park. Then we got some movies and just stayed in Saturday night. Sunday morning, I woke up to the smell of breakfast. A real breakfast. A real breakfast with my parents. It wasn't a pop tart standing on the porch or a microwaved cheese sandwich. It was eggs, bacon, biscuits, hash brown potatoes, sliced tomatoes, and gravy. We didn't do anything Sunday but just sat around. They needed some rest and it was great just knowing they were there. I hated it when my aunt and uncle finally came back. Then Monday, after they did the stuff at school, they headed back home. I barely got to see them or say goodbye. It was great having them here but now it's back to sucking big time. I really hate this place.

It's Called Work

My second day at work. Yesterday was mostly just learning what to do, where to go, how to do things, who to listen to, and who was the boss. I had to watch a stupid work movie and then take a test on it (I shit you not). I spent some of the time learning how to put the groceries in sacks (the does and dont's). I spent some of the day learning where everything was and how to stock the shelves. I learned to front the shelves. I got to listen to the manager tell me how to deal with customers and what I should wear. Today I start the real work. I know it's just working a grocery store but it's my first real job, so it's gonna be different. I'll tell ya how it went later.
Well my first day was long, hard, hectic, erratic, confusing, boring, and somewhat fun.
First thing was to clock in and then to start stocking shelves. Trying to figure out where stuff went (what aisle and shelve) was a bitch. I probably spent more time searching and asking where things belong than actually stocking the shelves. After about an hour, I got called up front to sack some groceries. I did that for about 15-20 minutes and then went back to stocking. About 9 o'clock the truck came in with the new stock. I helped unload it. Then went back to stocking the shelves till my flat was empty. I took a 10 minute break and then had to sack groceries for a little while. Then I went back to stocking. For the next 3 hours, I went back and forth from stocking to sacking groceries. I took my lunch at the deli, then went outside for about 5 minutes to just get some air. Man it sucks to only have 30 minutes for lunch. Then I went back to work. At 2, some more people came in and there were more people up front to handle that part most of the time for the afternoon rush. So I went back to stocking. It was ok. Once I figured out how things are grouped, it wasn't that bad. But in almost every flat that I did, there would be a couple of items that were not put where I thought they should be. But who am I to question the inter working of the grocery business? lol.
I like what I am doing. I like stocking and working in the back. I don't like working upfront. The people up there seem to spend too much time just standing around talking. It's irritating. And the 2 younger girls that were working the registers, are pure sluts. I think they would hump anybody between 12-90 as long as they have a penis. When I was up front, they talked about who they were doing and who they had done. I think both have done the manager. That's probably why they can just stand around and talk all day without getting in trouble. And I really don't like messing with people's groceries, especially putting them in their car/van. Some of the people that come in during the day, really need to think about cleaning their car and maybe taking a shower before being out in public cause there was one car that gagged me when I opened the door. After I put the groceries in, the woman walked real close to me and she was as bad. Man I felt like taking a shower just because I had touched the car.
I got to help the produce guy. I don't think I want to work there much. Some of the produce is nasty and smells horrible when it is ruined. But I had rather work with produce that in the meat department. I don't want to have any part of that. I don't want to cut meat, handle meat, or any of that. I would probably loose a finger or hand the first day working back there. And plus, it's too easy to really make a mistake and cause somebody to get real sick with that stuff. The guy that runs the meat department is like crazy with how things are done back there and I don't blame him. The girls up front make fun of him but if he doesn't keep things clean and do his work by high standards, it could cause somebody to actually die. I asked him some stuff cause I wondered about it. He has to clean every thing in there probably between 5-10 times a day depending on what he is doing. He has to clean every time he switches from a type of meat because it could cause the meat to be contaminated with alot of different germs and stuff. And handling chicken has to be worst. It's so easy to get food poisoning from bad chicken. I just didn't know how much there was to that.
I told the manager that I didn't want to work on a register. I just don't want to mess with money (I didn't tell him that I didn't want to have that much contact with customers). I told him that I wasn't comfortable with handling money and having that much responsibility (he told me that I wasn't going to be doing that anyway cause it's mainly for employees that have been there for awhile). He told me that I would mainly be doing what I am doing right now. I told him that was good.
So I think I'm gonna like working there. It's not rocket science but it's not digging ditches either. It's something I can do without having to do extreme physical labor. I only work 2 full days and 2 evenings a week, so it's not real bad. And the manager knows that there will be somedays that I won't be able to work but for the most part, I'll know ahead of time.

Class Assignment for Freshman English Class

What Do I Want To Do With My Life?

I feel that this is a meaningless question because at this moment in time what I want to do probably has nothing to do with what I will end up doing. I could say that I want to be a professional athlete but that is very unrealistic. I could say that I want to be the President of The United States but again it is very unrealistic. On the realistic side of things, I could say that I want to matter in the world so I want to be a doctor. I could say that I want to make a difference so I want to be a teacher. I could be all into myself and say that I want to become rich and famous. Or I could say that I want to get out of school, get a decent paying job, get married to my high school sweetheart, and pump out a few little one's. But none of that matters at this point because I have very little knowledge of the world and have even less knowledge of what my life's calling will be. And even if I have a life's calling it doesn't mean anything because from what I have seen, few follow through on those. But for the assignment I will complete it as you asked.
For myself, I have little use for fame, wealth, and power. I want to make a difference in at least one person's life; hopefully more than one person. I want to live my life true to myself. If I an true to myself, I will be a good person. If I am a good person, I will be a difference maker in the world even if it's only in my small part of the world. As for an occupation, that doesn't matter. Any person doing even the most menial job can make a difference in the world if they are honest, trustworthy, and dependable. So as far as what I want to do with my life, I don't know. I have no clue what occupation I want or will have the chance to do. But what I want from my life is that I want to be a person that people look at and say,"That's Kieran, he's a good, honest, and dependable guy". That's enough for me.

Is becoming an adult when you have to do things that you don't want to do?

This is from 7/07.

There are some things that I find very hard to do. Among these things it killing something. I don't hunt for sport or for any reason. It's because I just never had that need to kill something. I never had that need to prove myself and I never had to put food on the table by that means. I don't have a problem with people that hunt. It's just not my thing. For the most part, I enjoy all animals, even the pest and predators that exist here. But that doesn't mean that I won't kill something that I feel needs to be killed for the safety of my animals, or even myself or my family.
Awhile back we had some problems with predators. We have been losing chickens to something. At first it was happening in the yard during times when we were not here. Then we lost some in the coop, where they were supposedly safe. So I found myself having to find out what was doing this and taking care of the situation. One day after everybody had left the house, I wasn't feeling that great so I stayed home. I didn't go outside or anything. About 10 in the morning, I heard the chickens in an uproar. I grabbed the shotgun out of the closet and went out on the porch. I then ran to the fenced in part of the coop. When I got there, I found a dog with about 4 dead chickens laying around and he was after another that was in the coop. So I shot him. I can't let that go on. The chickens run about 5-10 dollars apiece and we had lost about 20 in the last month, so I did what I had to do. I really hated doing what I did but it was what had to be done. It was a wild dog that was not gonna stop raiding our chickens till we had no more or I shot him. So I shot him.
About 2 nights later, I heard the chickens again in an uproar. I grabbed the shot gun and ran to the coop. When I got there, there was a mink climbing out of a hole in the top of the coop. It was trying to put a dead chicken thru the hole but the hole was too small for the chicken. I shot the mink. The next day, I worked all day on the coop to make sure there was no more places where a predator could get into the coop.
Then the other day, I was outside with Plato and his cats. The cats were laying around the chair where I was sitting and Plato was playing fetch with a tennis ball. I was home by myself, so I had my little 22 rifle with me. I just happened to see something move where the goats were. I had them staked out clearing a part of underbrush. They are like the greatest thing in the world to clear underbrush. It doesn't matter what it is, they will eat it. Anyway, I grabbed the rifle and went toward the barn so I could see better. It wasn't toward the goats but it was higher up and I could see better. It was also the way to where the goats were. You had to go around 2 different fenced in areas to get to where they were. But when I got to the barn, I could see that it was a coyote. They are a menace to everybody around here. They will kill your dogs, cats, chickens, small animals of any kind (like baby goats and lambs), so I killed it. That same day, I killed a raccoon cause it was on the chicken coop. They will attack and kill your chickens if they can.
It has just been a really hard couple of days. I know that it was something that I had to do and it needed to be done. I would have loved to have caught them in live traps but with all the animals we have, we would only catch our dogs, cats, and chickens. But every time I killed one of those predators, it hurt me. It kinda felt like I was a murderer or at least some hard hearted person that kills first before thinking things thru. I know that I did the right thing but it still feels wrong. I hate things like that. I know that I probably shouldn't write about this because alot of people will see it and think the same thing that I do: that I was wrong in how I went about it. But I have an obligation to my animals to protect them. I don't torture them. Matter of fact, all of my animals are mostly pets that I have almost raised from an early age (they are all still young animals anyway). But if I don't protect them, they will be all killed by something because there are just too many predators here.
Maybe it's part of growing up when you have to do things that are distasteful but necessary. Who know? But I do know that I got no pleasure out of killing any of those animals. I wish they had never came around.

12/07

When I first started meeting people on the internet, it was something different and for me a great thing because it gave me a place to be me. For what seemed a long time it was just a couple of friends, mainly Liam and D. They helped me survive (and I do mean survive) when it was really hard just to get thru the day. Then I found 360 and I got what I would call a Voice. It was a place where I could write and sometimes chat about my days and other people's days. I met more people but still kept just a few friends. People come and go so easily on here that I think it's a miracle to find a couple people that you can trust. I think I was very very luck. I found more that just a couple but still not a large amount. I don't think anybody can have more than just a few friends that you can trust. And even with these friends it wasn't just a hello and they were my most trusted friends. I have always been friendly but I always hold back my trust till I know I can trust someone. And even with them, I have kept some things from them because somethings don't always need to be talked about or even known.
I got to meet one friend, Liam. It was great to meet him but it wasn't what I thought it would be like. We had kind of grown apart. He felt that I had done something to him and he quit everything for awhile. He got a Facebook page I think but he has new friends now and I don't know his Id or anything. But the meeting was alot different than when we chatted online. He was alot like he was online. He talked constantly. He was hyper and constantly moving around. And I was almost mute. I don't think I said 25 words. It was just so different from 360 that it was hard to believe we were friends. To tell you the truth, I kinda hated that we had met in person because, it was like I was a liar. I wasn't like I am online but he was. I felt like a fake but I don't know if I was fake online or in person. Maybe it was both. Maybe I'm just not a real person anywhere. Some of my other friends have asked if we could meet and I've thought about it alot. I would really like to meet my trusted friends. But there is always that thought in the back of my head that it will be horrible. Who knows, maybe I'll outgrow being that way. Maybe not.
I talked to a couple of friends that were my age on the phone when I first started on yahoo. My mom and dad was very upset over that, maybe I shouldn't have told them. LOL. But I had the same thing happen on the phone. I don't say much on the phone even to my family members, so why did I think it would be different with anybody else. I don't think I have ever had a long conversation on the phone in my life. I've been on the phone for a long time but it's always the other person doing all the talking. I just mainly listen. But both of those friends that I talked to on the phone, kind of went away. They stopped chatting with me or anything. I think it was because of the complete difference between how I am online and how I am in real life. Like I have heard before from people talking about me when they didn't think I could hear what they were saying, I'm spooky. I'm weird.
But in the end the person everybody likes isn't the person they meet or talk to when they get me. I'm the great disappointment. And it bothers me because I don't know why I'm like that. I've had some close friends online give me their phone numbers and I always say that I can't because it would come up on the phone bill or some other excuse. But it's mainly because they don't want to meet or talk to me, they want The Dark One. They want the guy that is outspoken, opinionated enought to argue over just about anything. They want the internet Kieran. The bad thing about that is that he only exist on the internet. Talking to the real me, is like talking to a tree or a rock, but the tree or rock probably has more personality than I do in real life. How's that for a glowing description of myself? And the mom and dad thing also was a big part in not talking on the phone with anybody online. It wasn't the main reason as stated before, but it was part of it especially after the thing with the guy sending me pictures of my house and stuff. That had all of us really upset but especially my parents. And there were a few time when people gave me their phone numbers that it was creepy. This one dude, kept at it for about a month, then I just quit having anything to do with him. He came off as some really messed up dude and it just didn't feel right. Another guy wanted me to call and he was always sending me weird nasty stuff. Again I finally just stopped having anything to do with him. But there were some close friends that gave me their numbers and I knew it was because they wanted to keep in touch when I wasn't able to be online. I never had any doubts about those friends because I knew they were real friends. But it always came back to the fact that I didn't want them to know just how different I was from The Dark One. And I didn't want to lose them as friends. I have a great ability to make people want to be anywhere as long as it's away from me.
So to my friends, I want to thank you because it is a comfort knowing that I do have that option. I want you all to know that I would love to met you and to talk to you in person. It would fill one of my greatest wishes but I do think I would have disappointed if we had done that.
This is from the real Kieran not The Dark One.

Kyle, Chuck, some ghost, a dose of reality, and cops

I really don't understand the way tv executives pick what shows stay and which are cancelled. I understand that ratings have something to do with it but there are times that ratings don't matter. I'm not attempting to include reality shows in this discussion. This is about television shows with scripts and actors playing comedic/dramatic parts. I do think there is something mentally wrong with some people in the industry. That is the only way that I can except that Medium, Kyle XY, NCIS, the CSIs, Las Vegas, Ghost Whisperer, Chuck, etc are on our tv sets, and The Riches and Surface are not. I just don't understand it. There are some shows in the first category that I think are unique but for the most part, they are badly written/acted/directed (take your pick). Medium and Ghost Whisperer are unique but they are just lamely made with bad story lines. Las Vegas is only on because of all of the beautiful women on the show. NCIS and the CSIs are law shows, so they are usually very predictable and the new thing is forensics (nothing like seeing more blood and gore). And please don't get me started on Kyle XY or Chuck. These are absolutely the most ignorant and both are horribly made. None of those shows stand out to me in any good way.
Now The Riches and Surface are different. There was something different with them.

• The Riches blurred the lines between what is seen as right and wrong, but not in a bad way. The show was about a family that had lived a different life from the normal but was trying to become a normal family. It was, to me, a very compelling story and with great characters. Their flaws were shown in a upfront way so it was always part of the story line. The family takes the IDs of a couple that was killed in a car accident (no one knows they were killed and the family covers it up so that no one will ever know anything happened to them) and this couple was in the process of moving to a different part of the country into a very upscale neighborhood in Florida where no one knows them.

The father was a con man and leader of a family of Travelers. His wife is a con artist and thief, who has just gotten out of prison and was addicted to drugs (she started using in prison). The oldest son and the daughter are accomplished thieves and con artists trying to adapt to a private high school. The youngest son is very good at playing just about any part in the families cons (playing a little girl or little boy) but likes to wear girls clothes (which makes things really complicated in a very their new very conservative neighborhood). The whole series was well made, well written, and had a great cast. It was completely crazy to cancel it but shit happens.

• Surface was a very good science fiction series. It was mainly about creatures that lived deep in the ocean that no one had ever seen till now. It was sometimes hard to keep up with everything because it wasn't based on a single location but all over the U.S. But the story was very interesting and the characters were great. It wasn't over the top scify and it had alot of different subplots that always kept it interesting. I don't know if it would have kept on being interesting after the first year but as it stands right now, we will never know because it was cancelled even though it had a good rating (go figure).

It just makes me wonder who is in charge of these networks. Instead of keeping these 2 very good shows, they give us shows like Kyle XY, Chuck, or they give us another cop show to go with the hundred we have on tv already. I'm just lost on all of this. Now you know why I don't watch tv that much. Anything that has any intelligence with quality production and coherent story lines is thrown out to make room for something cheap, cheesy, and made for dimwits. Instead of a well thought out series, we get another cop-u-drama, medical series, or even better maybe another reality show. A new reality show is just what we need. Maybe it could be about who can yell, cry, scream, pout, argue and/or whine the best while doing some ignorant tasks or maybe a reality show about who can squeeze out the largest turd while Yoko Ono or Björk sing live in the bathroom with the contestant. There is always enough C class celebs hanging around L.A. for judges. Wow, that last one would probably be one of the better reality shows on the air. But having to listen to Yoko Ono or Björk in person would cause my bodily functions to stop completely. I probably wouldn't be able to squeeze out a molecule thru my sphincter with that noise going on. LOL