Therapy, Therapy, Therapy

I went to my therapist today. What a waste of time! Every time I go it's the same crap and it doesn't make me feel better. He always bring up the subject of death and dying. I really don't know what I should or shouldn't say cause no matter what I say (or don't say) he always starts writing. And his left eye does this little twitch. All of this bothers me. I don't know what it's all about.
A couple of weeks ago, he asked me something like "What is death?". I said that it was when you know longer are alive. No brain function: no sadness, pain, hate, etc. Then he asked me why did I mention sadness, pain, and hate? Why didn't I say happiness, love, or anything that was positive? Why is death a lack of bad things? I asked him did he think that death was the beginning of good things? And as usual, he ignored my question and asked another of his. He asked me was death not also the end of the good things in life? I said yes. Then I got tired of talking about that and told him to quit twisting things that I said. I really hate it when he does that stuff. I don't know for sure but it seems that he tries to make me mad or get me really upset. The thing is that he does cause me to get upset and he also makes me really mad. I've called him a few really choice names and I really hope he wrote them down. After all of the death questions, he then started in about hanging out with friends and talking to girls. Thankfully it was time to leave and I didn't have to deal with that crap.
Last week I went in mainly just to sit and not say anything (gonna do a Good Will Hunting). But after about 10 minutes he started with the death thing again. He said that I never explained why I mentioned sadness and pain. He asked me was there no happiness or anything like that in my life? I said that there was alot of that in my life. Then he asked me if I died, would all of that end or what would happen? Again, he was pushing my buttons, trying to get me mad. And it worked. I told him that he was a co*ksucker and I was really tired of subject. After that I didn't play anymore of his games. I just sit there till it was time to leave. He kept asking me questions but I didn't say anything else.
So today, I went in feeling good. I sat down and he was acting all right. He asked me how was things since our last appointment. I said it's been the same as always. I knew it was one of those questions and that I should have been ready for it (I've been seeing him for like 6 months so I should know better by now), but I opened my mouth. He started asking me questions about everything that went on the past week. Blah blah blah. I tried to keep the answers as short as possible. But then he asked me about Alex. Alex was a friend that I made while I was in the hospital. He was close to my age and he died last spring. Anyway, Doc had to bring that up (I think he's got a spy in my house cause it was weird that he would bring that up a couple of days after I talked to Alex's mom on the phone). I told him that Alex's mom called and we talked for a little while. It was nice. She said that she had been thinking about me and was worried cause we hadn't talked in a few weeks. He asked me did I think that since Alex died, I was going to die. I told him that I had never thought that. Then I told him that he had to be the stupidest therapist on the face of the earth if that was the best he could come up with. I think I really confuse him. He can't figure me out or something, cause as for therapy, this isn't helping me any. Mostly it just pisses me off. Then he asked me if I was ready to explain about how I saw death. I told him that I had said all I was going to say about it. So he started on if I was making any friends or did I have any girl that I was interested in. Of course I hadn't made any new friends and definitely hadn't met any girls. He said some stuff about being a teen and it being difficult to meet girls when you're sick alot. Then he said something like I shouldn't hide from the world and not to use being sick as an excuse to do that. The he did the worst thing in the world. He said that at my age I had urges and that with everything going on with me, I needed to be out in the world. He said it was important for me to be around other people my age and learn how to be a "young adult"............. OK. About this time I was past the point of embarrassment and way past the point of anger. Really, what could be going on his dumbass brain? So I decided to give him something to write down. I told him that I like to go to the mall. When I see a couple of good looking girls, I stalk them all around the mall for a while. Then I go into the women’s section of Belk's and molested the bras and panties in that section of the store. Then I go to the shoe departmrnt and polished my chub into a penny loafer. After that, I go to the food court and get something to eat, and sit down by some kids my age and act like I am part of their group.

Then I looked at him and asked him if that was what he wanted to hear. Then I got up and left. I went outside and told mom that it was time to go home. On the way home, I asked her if she was spying on me for him between my appointments. She said that she had talked to him a couple of time but it wasn't spying, just trying to help him help me. I was really mad (actually I am still real mad) and I told her that I was thru with this crap. I told her that I don't like being set up and that I really don't like this stuff from people that I am suppose to trust.
I guess that I do need therapy cause of the way I lose it sometimes. As I have been told, “I have issues that need to be dealt with". But maybe this therapist isn't the right one to help me with those "issues". Right now, he is one of those issues.............. Most of the time, nothing in my life makes sense and no one understands me. I have a hard time understanding me. And right now, I don't need people playing games with me.

Tool - Stinkfist

The War

Prohibition was a colossal failure like our war on drugs is now. Neither have done anything but create more death and destruction. And like prohibition, the war on drugs has helped to create new groups in our society. During prohibition, we had the rich, the middle class, the poor, the Italians, the Irish, natives, colored, etc. Now we have the rich, the middle class, the poor, the natives, the illegals, the law, and the criminals. During prohibition, the FBI ran all over peoples rights and had practically unlimited power over citizens. Now we have the DEA and Homeland Security that does the same thing. Only now it's even worse than during Prohibition because they have endless ways to say that "it's a matter of national security". Those 6 words are all powerful. They have enabled the law enforcement agencies unlimited power. And because of that, the biggest employer in this country is law enforcement now. We have Feds in many forms, State, and local law. And we have this mainly because of our governments war on drugs. But the war on drugs hasn't even got close to a stalemate. But this war keeps politicians in office, it keeps bullies and sociopaths with badges in a position of power, and it keeps the poor poorer. This war doesn't help anybody but the people that keep waging the war. Just like Prohibition..... The regular everyday citizens are the ones that are being hurt by this stupid and unwinable war.

Oct 1, 2005

I really miss my family except for my brother. Don't really miss him that much especially since the last time I saw him, he gave me a black eye. But it's real different here. It's not comfortable. Probably in a couple of weeks, it will be better but right now it's real lonely. I don't really know my aunt and uncle that well. I've been around them 3 times in my life and one of those times, I was a baby. Everything feels off limits. I don't want them to do anything for me. I don't want to rely on them for anything. I told them that I will take care of me so they wouldn't have to. I think they felt that I was going to be a major pain to be around, that they would have to treat me like their kid. But I don't need or want a babysitter. I think I will keep out of their hair and help do things around the house so they won't bitch at my parents. Right now, mom and dad have all they can handle just trying to live. So I can't cause any problems for them, so I can stay till school is out. But man my uncle is not a easy person to be around. I've been here a month and he's already gotten mad at me atleast 3 times that I know of. The first time was the day after mom and dad left. I got home from school, put my books in my room, and changed clothes. Then I went down to the kitchen to get something to eat and drink. Then I went out to the backyard to eat. After that, I went walking in the woods. So while I was out in the woods, my aunt was calling the house to see if I was home. After 2 hours, she left work to check on me. She couldn't find me and didn't notice my books were in my room, so she called my uncle. He closed up the office and came home. I didn't come back till about 6, so they were really upset that I wasn't sitting in the chair in my room waiting. He talked to me like I was 4 years old. I know that mom told them that I would never just sit around the house watching tv. She told them that I was always outside and that I would stay outside most of the time if the weather was ok. But man it took all of my self control to keep from yelling back at him. But I just took it and then when he was thru, I told them that I would probably be outside after I got home from school.
The 2nd time I made him mad was the next day. My aunt decided to make dinner for all 3 of us. But she didn't tell me. So when I got home from school, I got something to eat and drink. Then went outside like I did the day before. I didn't get back till like 6:30 and didn't go in the house till dark. He was mad cause dinner had been ready for awhile. They had already eaten but he was mad cause I wasnt there to eat with them. I told them that they didn't have to cook for me and I know that mom told them that I wouldn't bother them and they wouldn't have to cook, clean, or anything else for me. So I don't understand it much. I did eat what she cooked for me and I cleaned up afterwards, so my aunt wouldn't have to do that. It didn't make my uncle feel any better.
The 3rd time was yesterday. The grass was getting high and I thought I would mow the yard to help my uncle out. I didn't know that his mower was off limitscause he never said anything about it to me. I don't guess his son Brax ever mowed the yard. Anyway, when he got home from work, he blew up on me. He cussed me like a dog. He grabbed my arm like he was gonna give me a whipping. That didn't work so well for him. He had a piece of wood in his hand and drew it back like he was gonna hit me on the butt with it. I had drew back with my fist and he looked me in the eye and knew that I was not playing. He let go and told me to never touch any of the stuff in the shed. So that is how it's going right now.
But the worst part of it is I miss my parents just being around. They know me and know how to deal with me. I wish either of my mom's brothers lived closer. Both of them have kids my age and they are alot more layed back. I wish my sister was here, then it wouldn't be so bad. She would be able to tell them how I am alot better than anybody else. But I get the feeling that my uncle just wants to have something to be mad about and me being here is perfect for him.
It's finally cleared up from Hurricane Rita (it wasn't a hurricane by the time it got here). It was a wild ride, almost as wild as Kat. There's alot of damage to houses south of here but there were just a few trees down in the yard here. But the wind howled louder from Rita than it did from Kat. I don't know if it was because there was alot of noise in the shelter when Kat hit or that my aunt's house doesn't have the thick walls that the shelter had. But Rita just seemed worse than Katrina. The windows rattled all night and there was a few time I thought they were gonna be sucked out. And we were under a tornado warning almost all night but we didn't get any here. That was ok with me. I really wasn't ready for another hurricane this soon. And I can do without all of the storm damage, I really don't want to look for a place to live this soon even with my uncle being a shithead. I think I can deal with him till June as long as the house is standing.

Read My Mind or just check out my page on __________

Some days it seems weird to make my daily life public and even weirder to post my almost every thought, but I’m not alone in doing this. Will people in 100 years think this as moronic or enlightened? Will we be seen in the same light as the Romans and Greeks, the Egyptians, or the Neanderthals? I don’t know but I have a sinking feeling it will be the Neanderthals. LOL. For one thing, to me it seems we give too much information and especially I do. There are too many ways now to post our moronic stuff instantly. There is My Space, Facebook, Twitter, etc. At least I have tried to keep it to just a token few places to post my insignificant thoughts and daily moronic brain farts. But the places I do post, I’ve written about almost everything and especially every embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I even write about things that happen to people around me. I guess I have no shame.
So here I go again……
Today Jake and Cody got into a fight. And it was a real fight: one of the best I’ve seen. It started over Jake going on a date and Cody wanted to get a ride into town to hang out. Jake wasn’t going that way and Cody was being a little brat (it would have been like 40 miles out of the way). Anyway Cody threw a shoe at him and the fight was on. They fought all over my room till their dad broke it up. I will give it up to Cody. He acts like a brat but he’s tough. I don’t think Jake was really trying to hurt him as much as just defending his self, but he left Cody with a few token marks to remember the occasion. For me (of course this has to be about me), I got to watch a good fight, got a new air purifier, and a new TV out of it. Now I can listen to music thru the TV in surround sound in my very clean smelling room. I think they should fight more often. Kidding.
I really think that my aunt and uncle have this thing about me. They act like if anything happens to anything that belongs to me, it’s gonna make me sicker or something. They didn’t have to buy that big tv cause I don’t really watch tv. And I told them that, as did my parents. Just a little tv that I can run the sound thru my stereo is all I need. But we really did need a new air purifier. It really gets rank in here (it smelt like 3 wankers, smelly socks, dirty underwear, bad farts, old sweat, and death). I guess you could say it kinda smelt like one of those service station mens rooms on the interstate in the middle of the summer that has 2-day-old floaters stewing in almost pure piss in the toilet, diarrheal in the urinal, pea and other stickey stuff on the floor, and vomit in the garbage can. Ummmm. LOL.
Yep, I’m evil and should be destroyed.

Come On Jake, Drive My Truck

This is another entry that I wasn't going to post.

I will have to think about going anywhere when Jake is driving. This afternoon, we went to town in my truck. He hasn't driven it before and wasn't used to the power. We got to town and went to Wal Mart and then got some burgers. After we had eaten, we went to a couple of other stores. So on the way home, Jake decided to punch it on a narrow back road. The 4-barrel kicked in and it started smoking the rear tires. That caused the ass end to whip around and he wasn't ready for it. Then he panicked and forgot to let off the gas. We ended up tearing up a big section of fence and got stuck in a muddy field. Luckly nobody was hurt. But my truck has a bunch of dents and scratches that kinda hurt my feelings. LOL. And I hit Jake in the stomach for being such a bad driver. I was actually aiming for his nuts but I missed. After a few minutes, we were both laughing about it cause it could have been alot worse especially if we had met another car while we were out of control. I think Jake is real upset over it. I played like I was but I really didn't care after that first 2-3 minutes after the truck came to a stop. He keeps telling me that he will take it to get the body fixed but I actually think it adds character to my work truck. It looks like it should. I think I'm going to have to give him driving lessons for my truck. Then he wouldn't be such a wuss. Man he was so upset and frightened that when he got out of the truck, he had to piss. He said that he almost pissed his pants. I didn't tell him that I kinda dribbled a little pee in my briefs during the ride. LOL. We got home and his mom flew all over him. I felt sorry for him cause it wasn't nothing. He atleast didn't hit a tree or another car. He didn't roll it. Come to think of it, he actually did good cause he got it stopped out of any dangerous areas. And to be truthful, it was very exciting and fun.

Stormy Night

I woke up about about 2 this morning because of a real loud thunder crash. It rattled the windows it was so loud. I don't usually wake up for storms lately cause of the meds but it had the potential to be a good one. I went to the sliding glass doors in the living room/dining room that faces the west and pulled up a chair. Man it was lightening and thundering like crazy. And there was no one else awake, so I just sat here and enjoyed the show. I really hope that there was no one in the apartments across from me looking in my direction cause I was doing the redneck thing (walking around in my tighty whities). I can see for a long way and it's so cool watching the lightening streak across the sky. I could watch it for days and days. To me, it's better than any movie and it's best when Pink Floyd is playing (I didn't want to wake my dad or brother us, so I didn't put on any music). I was looking out when lightening struck one of the antenas on top of one of the tall buildings downtown (I think it probably struck a lightening rod or something cause I figure they get struck alot). And then the rain started and I couldn't see anything but just the flash of light after that. But I didn't want to go back to bed. So I put on a pair of shorts and went up to the top floor and watched the storm for a few minutes in the passage way. The wind was blowing the rain in on me so I couldn't stay for long. I was hoping maybe a tornado would pull me into it or maybe I would get struck by lightening (what a way to go) but all I got was wet. O'well, maybe I'll get pneumonia or something. LOL.
Man I must have looked like some creepy perv sitting in front of the sliding glass doors with no shirt, pants, shoes, socks and no lights. Probably every time the lightening flashes, all anybody could see was some weird dude sitting there in his briefs. LOL.
Last Friday, I was here by myself till Dad and Mom came up about 2 am. I was watching tv about 8 that night when I heard a lot of noise from the apartment across the yard from mine. The woman and 2 kids were there and her boyfriend was drunk and acting crazy. I went out on the patio and I saw him hit the woman and push the boy down on the floor. Then he knocked the tv over and threw a lamp against the wall. The woman picked up the phone and he ran out the patio door and right past me toward the parking lot in from of our apartment. I don't know what happened after that but I told Dad the next morning. Mom and Dad went over to see if they could do anything to help. I don't know how things turned out cause a couple days later, the woman and kids moved. It was probably the best thing cause they guy is scary and very disturbed.

CLEANING YOUR PIPES

I wasn't going to post this entry because it has some stuff about me and Cody that isn't for the public. There are a few entries that are like that but I decided that it isn't that big of a deal.


I had a very depressing night last night. First I had to listen to Cody jerk off and then later it was Jake's turn to jerk off. I went to bed first and I guess Cody thought I was asleep but I wasn't. He has got to be the noisiest masturbator on the planet. He grunted and groaned till he finally finished. Then he just went to sleep. He didn't clean up or anything. Man that is sick. Then when Jake got back from taking his girl home, he came up and went into the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that he thought we were asleep. But again I wasn't and I could hear him. But at least when he was done, he cleaned up. It's weird. I miss doing that. I can't remember the last time I did it and it's depressing. Since I got sick the last time, I can't hardly get a hard on anymore. I think my pecker is broke. Maybe I need to get me some little blue pills. But even if I get a boner, most of the time I don't have the energy. I think that this is the last straw. I'm ready for this to be over. Everything hurts, I'm always depressed, I don't like anybody to be around me, nothing is fun, and now I can't even beat my meat: I'm ready for the great beyond.....