Feeling Down

I found this in one of Kieran's online documents. It was in a folder titled, Jokes. Go Figure.....

I go through spells where I'm very depressed. It's not something that is constant or even worth medication. I do see a therapist but that doesn't help. And I don't think it's something mis-firing in my brain. I think it's just the situation and maybe the constant pressure to try to make everybody else feel better because of our situation. But when I'm down, the normal things that people say to me makes me feel bad. Just about everything makes things worse (sunny days, cloudy days, windy days, rainy days, tv, food, family, strangers, myself, talking, not talking, walking, sitting, thinking, opening my eyes, etc...... Just about the only thing that doesn't make it worse is sleeping. But when you are down (depressed), everybody in the family feels the need to constantly come into my room and ask me if I'm alright, if I need anything, or just to see that I'm still breathing. It's been like this since I did my little stunt and got put into the hospital cause I took too many of my meds. What everybody doesn't know is I was just having a bad day cause I found out that The New Kids on the Block had broken up. I was completely destroyed about that. LOL. But what nobody knows is that when I'm down, it physically hurts to do things like walking around, talking, eating, thinking, or even opening my eyes in a room with light. Sure I know that it really worries my family but I get over it quicker if I'm just left alone as much as possible to deal with it myself.
It's kinda funny that my parents ask me what is wrong and I can't tell them. It's more that just one thing. It's a combination of many different things. Some things I know and some I can't explain. But the one thing I do know is that I really don't think they can help me when I'm down like that. The time I had my little incident, it was because I was constantly being harassed by everybody. I couldn't just work through the things in peace. It felt like someone was constantly pressuring (pushing) me to feel better. But it just doesn't work that way. The only one that didn't really do that was Cody. He would be a smart ass and pick at me, which actually made me feel better. But everybody else was so scared to talk and act normal, that it just made me worse.

And asking me questions to find an answer was the worst. My therapist was the horrible. Besides not having a clue how to deal with me, he asked me questions and wanted me to tell him situations using a fictional person ( Bob doesn't get out of bed because he feels that there is nothing worth living for or Sam believes that nobody understands him or the pain he goes through, etc). Yeah that's brilliant. I spend most of the time in therapy just sitting in a chair looking out the window. Man this guy is completely out of touch and really has no clue how to deal with someone my age. He actually asked me to draw a picture with markers about how I saw the world. I just used a black marker and covered the whole thing with black with a red dot in the middle of the page. I thought it would give him something to write about in his note book but the bad side of that was he kept asking me what the red dot signified. Hell, I don't know. I was just trying to confuse him or really get him going. But it kinda backfired on me. Finally I told him it was the world. Then he asked me what the black part was. I told him that was me. That really got him.
I guess what I really wish I could do is to explain that when I am like that it's because everything just builds up (family, friends, neighbors, docs, always being sick, not being able to do anything, feeling like an anchor on my family, the way I look when I'm sick, daytime tv, Yahoo getting rid of 360, and just the absolute nastiness of the world). I have always been able to deal with my problems myself. I go into my room and spend however long it takes to do it. Sometimes I write in my journal and then read what I've written. Then I think about it. It helps to actually read it especially out loud. After awhile, I can work through it. But when everybody is constantly interrupting me, it works against what I'm trying to do. I don't know if I am actually fixing the problem or just maybe understanding it a little better but it always helps. But it could be that my family and other people doing the things that they do is a major part of me being able to cope when I'm depressed. I know that people with no or little support from family/friends seem to be the ones that usually commit suicide. So I don't know what is the right or wrong way to deal with depression. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I think right now at this point in my life, there are things that I need to work through just like everybody else in the world. Everybody has problems and for the most part they deal with them in their own way. There is no cookie cutter formula to fix every body's problems. I know that there are people that need help with their problems but I think in most cases, the person with the problem can deal with it in their own way if given the chance with support if asked for.