My Brainfarts

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy

2011-05-17T22:12:00.006-05:00

I went to my therapist today. What a waste of time! Every time I go it's the same crap and it doesn't make me feel better. He always bring up the subject of death and dying. I really don't know what I should or shouldn't say cause no matter what I say (or don't say) he always starts writing. And his left eye does this little twitch. All of this bothers me. I don't know what it's all about.
A couple of weeks ago, he asked me something like "What is death?". I said that it was when you know longer are alive. No brain function: no sadness, pain, hate, etc. Then he asked me why did I mention sadness, pain, and hate? Why didn't I say happiness, love, or anything that was positive? Why is death a lack of bad things? I asked him did he think that death was the beginning of good things? And as usual, he ignored my question and asked another of his. He asked me was death not also the end of the good things in life? I said yes. Then I got tired of talking about that and told him to quit twisting things that I said. I really hate it when he does that stuff. I don't know for sure but it seems that he tries to make me mad or get me really upset. The thing is that he does cause me to get upset and he also makes me really mad. I've called him a few really choice names and I really hope he wrote them down. After all of the death questions, he then started in about hanging out with friends and talking to girls. Thankfully it was time to leave and I didn't have to deal with that crap.
Last week I went in mainly just to sit and not say anything (gonna do a Good Will Hunting). But after about 10 minutes he started with the death thing again. He said that I never explained why I mentioned sadness and pain. He asked me was there no happiness or anything like that in my life? I said that there was alot of that in my life. Then he asked me if I died, would all of that end or what would happen? Again, he was pushing my buttons, trying to get me mad. And it worked. I told him that he was a co*ksucker and I was really tired of subject. After that I didn't play anymore of his games. I just sit there till it was time to leave. He kept asking me questions but I didn't say anything else.
So today, I went in feeling good. I sat down and he was acting all right. He asked me how was things since our last appointment. I said it's been the same as always. I knew it was one of those questions and that I should have been ready for it (I've been seeing him for like 6 months so I should know better by now), but I opened my mouth. He started asking me questions about everything that went on the past week. Blah blah blah. I tried to keep the answers as short as possible. But then he asked me about Alex. Alex was a friend that I made while I was in the hospital. He was close to my age and he died last spring. Anyway, Doc had to bring that up (I think he's got a spy in my house cause it was weird that he would bring that up a couple of days after I talked to Alex's mom on the phone). I told him that Alex's mom called and we talked for a little while. It was nice. She said that she had been thinking about me and was worried cause we hadn't talked in a few weeks. He asked me did I think that since Alex died, I was going to die. I told him that I had never thought that. Then I told him that he had to be the stupidest therapist on the face of the earth if that was the best he could come up with. I think I really confuse him. He can't figure me out or something, cause as for therapy, this isn't helping me any. Mostly it just pisses me off. Then he asked me if I was ready to explain about how I saw death. I told him that I had said all I was going to say about it. So he started on if I was making any friends or did I have any girl that I was interested in. Of course I hadn't made any new friends and definitely hadn't met any girls. He said some stuff about being a teen and it being difficult to meet girls when you're sick alot. Then he said something like I shouldn't hide from the world and not to use being sick as an excuse to do that. The he did the worst thing in the world. He said that at my age I had urges and that with everything going on with me, I needed to be out in the world. He said it was important for me to be around other people my age and learn how to be a "young adult"............. OK. About this time I was past the point of embarrassment and way past the point of anger. Really, what could be going on his dumbass brain? So I decided to give him something to write down. I told him that I like to go to the mall. When I see a couple of good looking girls, I stalk them all around the mall for a while. Then I go into the women’s section of Belk's and molested the bras and panties in that section of the store. Then I go to the shoe departmrnt and polished my chub into a penny loafer. After that, I go to the food court and get something to eat, and sit down by some kids my age and act like I am part of their group.

Then I looked at him and asked him if that was what he wanted to hear. Then I got up and left. I went outside and told mom that it was time to go home. On the way home, I asked her if she was spying on me for him between my appointments. She said that she had talked to him a couple of time but it wasn't spying, just trying to help him help me. I was really mad (actually I am still real mad) and I told her that I was thru with this crap. I told her that I don't like being set up and that I really don't like this stuff from people that I am suppose to trust.
I guess that I do need therapy cause of the way I lose it sometimes. As I have been told, “I have issues that need to be dealt with". But maybe this therapist isn't the right one to help me with those "issues". Right now, he is one of those issues.............. Most of the time, nothing in my life makes sense and no one understands me. I have a hard time understanding me. And right now, I don't need people playing games with me.

Tool - Stinkfist

The War

2011-05-14T23:08:00.004-05:00

Prohibition was a colossal failure like our war on drugs is now. Neither have done anything but create more death and destruction. And like prohibition, the war on drugs has helped to create new groups in our society. During prohibition, we had the rich, the middle class, the poor, the Italians, the Irish, natives, colored, etc. Now we have the rich, the middle class, the poor, the natives, the illegals, the law, and the criminals. During prohibition, the FBI ran all over peoples rights and had practically unlimited power over citizens. Now we have the DEA and Homeland Security that does the same thing. Only now it's even worse than during Prohibition because they have endless ways to say that "it's a matter of national security". Those 6 words are all powerful. They have enabled the law enforcement agencies unlimited power. And because of that, the biggest employer in this country is law enforcement now. We have Feds in many forms, State, and local law. And we have this mainly because of our governments war on drugs. But the war on drugs hasn't even got close to a stalemate. But this war keeps politicians in office, it keeps bullies and sociopaths with badges in a position of power, and it keeps the poor poorer. This war doesn't help anybody but the people that keep waging the war. Just like Prohibition..... The regular everyday citizens are the ones that are being hurt by this stupid and unwinable war.

Oct 1, 2005

2011-05-14T16:36:00.003-05:00

I really miss my family except for my brother. Don't really miss him that much especially since the last time I saw him, he gave me a black eye. But it's real different here. It's not comfortable. Probably in a couple of weeks, it will be better but right now it's real lonely. I don't really know my aunt and uncle that well. I've been around them 3 times in my life and one of those times, I was a baby. Everything feels off limits. I don't want them to do anything for me. I don't want to rely on them for anything. I told them that I will take care of me so they wouldn't have to. I think they felt that I was going to be a major pain to be around, that they would have to treat me like their kid. But I don't need or want a babysitter. I think I will keep out of their hair and help do things around the house so they won't bitch at my parents. Right now, mom and dad have all they can handle just trying to live. So I can't cause any problems for them, so I can stay till school is out. But man my uncle is not a easy person to be around. I've been here a month and he's already gotten mad at me atleast 3 times that I know of. The first time was the day after mom and dad left. I got home from school, put my books in my room, and changed clothes. Then I went down to the kitchen to get something to eat and drink. Then I went out to the backyard to eat. After that, I went walking in the woods. So while I was out in the woods, my aunt was calling the house to see if I was home. After 2 hours, she left work to check on me. She couldn't find me and didn't notice my books were in my room, so she called my uncle. He closed up the office and came home. I didn't come back till about 6, so they were really upset that I wasn't sitting in the chair in my room waiting. He talked to me like I was 4 years old. I know that mom told them that I would never just sit around the house watching tv. She told them that I was always outside and that I would stay outside most of the time if the weather was ok. But man it took all of my self control to keep from yelling back at him. But I just took it and then when he was thru, I told them that I would probably be outside after I got home from school.
The 2nd time I made him mad was the next day. My aunt decided to make dinner for all 3 of us. But she didn't tell me. So when I got home from school, I got something to eat and drink. Then went outside like I did the day before. I didn't get back till like 6:30 and didn't go in the house till dark. He was mad cause dinner had been ready for awhile. They had already eaten but he was mad cause I wasnt there to eat with them. I told them that they didn't have to cook for me and I know that mom told them that I wouldn't bother them and they wouldn't have to cook, clean, or anything else for me. So I don't understand it much. I did eat what she cooked for me and I cleaned up afterwards, so my aunt wouldn't have to do that. It didn't make my uncle feel any better.
The 3rd time was yesterday. The grass was getting high and I thought I would mow the yard to help my uncle out. I didn't know that his mower was off limitscause he never said anything about it to me. I don't guess his son Brax ever mowed the yard. Anyway, when he got home from work, he blew up on me. He cussed me like a dog. He grabbed my arm like he was gonna give me a whipping. That didn't work so well for him. He had a piece of wood in his hand and drew it back like he was gonna hit me on the butt with it. I had drew back with my fist and he looked me in the eye and knew that I was not playing. He let go and told me to never touch any of the stuff in the shed. So that is how it's going right now.
But the worst part of it is I miss my parents just being around. They know me and know how to deal with me. I wish either of my mom's brothers lived closer. Both of them have kids my age and they are alot more layed back. I wish my sister was here, then it wouldn't be so bad. She would be able to tell them how I am alot better than anybody else. But I get the feeling that my uncle just wants to have something to be mad about and me being here is perfect for him.
It's finally cleared up from Hurricane Rita (it wasn't a hurricane by the time it got here). It was a wild ride, almost as wild as Kat. There's alot of damage to houses south of here but there were just a few trees down in the yard here. But the wind howled louder from Rita than it did from Kat. I don't know if it was because there was alot of noise in the shelter when Kat hit or that my aunt's house doesn't have the thick walls that the shelter had. But Rita just seemed worse than Katrina. The windows rattled all night and there was a few time I thought they were gonna be sucked out. And we were under a tornado warning almost all night but we didn't get any here. That was ok with me. I really wasn't ready for another hurricane this soon. And I can do without all of the storm damage, I really don't want to look for a place to live this soon even with my uncle being a shithead. I think I can deal with him till June as long as the house is standing.

Read My Mind or just check out my page on __________

2011-05-13T14:52:00.003-05:00

Some days it seems weird to make my daily life public and even weirder to post my almost every thought, but I’m not alone in doing this. Will people in 100 years think this as moronic or enlightened? Will we be seen in the same light as the Romans and Greeks, the Egyptians, or the Neanderthals? I don’t know but I have a sinking feeling it will be the Neanderthals. LOL. For one thing, to me it seems we give too much information and especially I do. There are too many ways now to post our moronic stuff instantly. There is My Space, Facebook, Twitter, etc. At least I have tried to keep it to just a token few places to post my insignificant thoughts and daily moronic brain farts. But the places I do post, I’ve written about almost everything and especially every embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I even write about things that happen to people around me. I guess I have no shame.
So here I go again……
Today Jake and Cody got into a fight. And it was a real fight: one of the best I’ve seen. It started over Jake going on a date and Cody wanted to get a ride into town to hang out. Jake wasn’t going that way and Cody was being a little brat (it would have been like 40 miles out of the way). Anyway Cody threw a shoe at him and the fight was on. They fought all over my room till their dad broke it up. I will give it up to Cody. He acts like a brat but he’s tough. I don’t think Jake was really trying to hurt him as much as just defending his self, but he left Cody with a few token marks to remember the occasion. For me (of course this has to be about me), I got to watch a good fight, got a new air purifier, and a new TV out of it. Now I can listen to music thru the TV in surround sound in my very clean smelling room. I think they should fight more often. Kidding.
I really think that my aunt and uncle have this thing about me. They act like if anything happens to anything that belongs to me, it’s gonna make me sicker or something. They didn’t have to buy that big tv cause I don’t really watch tv. And I told them that, as did my parents. Just a little tv that I can run the sound thru my stereo is all I need. But we really did need a new air purifier. It really gets rank in here (it smelt like 3 wankers, smelly socks, dirty underwear, bad farts, old sweat, and death). I guess you could say it kinda smelt like one of those service station mens rooms on the interstate in the middle of the summer that has 2-day-old floaters stewing in almost pure piss in the toilet, diarrheal in the urinal, pea and other stickey stuff on the floor, and vomit in the garbage can. Ummmm. LOL.
Yep, I’m evil and should be destroyed.

Come On Jake, Drive My Truck

2011-05-09T22:06:00.002-05:00

This is another entry that I wasn't going to post.

I will have to think about going anywhere when Jake is driving. This afternoon, we went to town in my truck. He hasn't driven it before and wasn't used to the power. We got to town and went to Wal Mart and then got some burgers. After we had eaten, we went to a couple of other stores. So on the way home, Jake decided to punch it on a narrow back road. The 4-barrel kicked in and it started smoking the rear tires. That caused the ass end to whip around and he wasn't ready for it. Then he panicked and forgot to let off the gas. We ended up tearing up a big section of fence and got stuck in a muddy field. Luckly nobody was hurt. But my truck has a bunch of dents and scratches that kinda hurt my feelings. LOL. And I hit Jake in the stomach for being such a bad driver. I was actually aiming for his nuts but I missed. After a few minutes, we were both laughing about it cause it could have been alot worse especially if we had met another car while we were out of control. I think Jake is real upset over it. I played like I was but I really didn't care after that first 2-3 minutes after the truck came to a stop. He keeps telling me that he will take it to get the body fixed but I actually think it adds character to my work truck. It looks like it should. I think I'm going to have to give him driving lessons for my truck. Then he wouldn't be such a wuss. Man he was so upset and frightened that when he got out of the truck, he had to piss. He said that he almost pissed his pants. I didn't tell him that I kinda dribbled a little pee in my briefs during the ride. LOL. We got home and his mom flew all over him. I felt sorry for him cause it wasn't nothing. He atleast didn't hit a tree or another car. He didn't roll it. Come to think of it, he actually did good cause he got it stopped out of any dangerous areas. And to be truthful, it was very exciting and fun.

Stormy Night

2011-05-08T22:01:00.000-05:00

I woke up about about 2 this morning because of a real loud thunder crash. It rattled the windows it was so loud. I don't usually wake up for storms lately cause of the meds but it had the potential to be a good one. I went to the sliding glass doors in the living room/dining room that faces the west and pulled up a chair. Man it was lightening and thundering like crazy. And there was no one else awake, so I just sat here and enjoyed the show. I really hope that there was no one in the apartments across from me looking in my direction cause I was doing the redneck thing (walking around in my tighty whities). I can see for a long way and it's so cool watching the lightening streak across the sky. I could watch it for days and days. To me, it's better than any movie and it's best when Pink Floyd is playing (I didn't want to wake my dad or brother us, so I didn't put on any music). I was looking out when lightening struck one of the antenas on top of one of the tall buildings downtown (I think it probably struck a lightening rod or something cause I figure they get struck alot). And then the rain started and I couldn't see anything but just the flash of light after that. But I didn't want to go back to bed. So I put on a pair of shorts and went up to the top floor and watched the storm for a few minutes in the passage way. The wind was blowing the rain in on me so I couldn't stay for long. I was hoping maybe a tornado would pull me into it or maybe I would get struck by lightening (what a way to go) but all I got was wet. O'well, maybe I'll get pneumonia or something. LOL.
Man I must have looked like some creepy perv sitting in front of the sliding glass doors with no shirt, pants, shoes, socks and no lights. Probably every time the lightening flashes, all anybody could see was some weird dude sitting there in his briefs. LOL.
Last Friday, I was here by myself till Dad and Mom came up about 2 am. I was watching tv about 8 that night when I heard a lot of noise from the apartment across the yard from mine. The woman and 2 kids were there and her boyfriend was drunk and acting crazy. I went out on the patio and I saw him hit the woman and push the boy down on the floor. Then he knocked the tv over and threw a lamp against the wall. The woman picked up the phone and he ran out the patio door and right past me toward the parking lot in from of our apartment. I don't know what happened after that but I told Dad the next morning. Mom and Dad went over to see if they could do anything to help. I don't know how things turned out cause a couple days later, the woman and kids moved. It was probably the best thing cause they guy is scary and very disturbed.

CLEANING YOUR PIPES

2011-05-08T10:00:00.007-05:00

I wasn't going to post this entry because it has some stuff about me and Cody that isn't for the public. There are a few entries that are like that but I decided that it isn't that big of a deal.

I had a very depressing night last night. First I had to listen to Cody jerk off and then later it was Jake's turn to jerk off. I went to bed first and I guess Cody thought I was asleep but I wasn't. He has got to be the noisiest masturbator on the planet. He grunted and groaned till he finally finished. Then he just went to sleep. He didn't clean up or anything. Man that is sick. Then when Jake got back from taking his girl home, he came up and went into the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that he thought we were asleep. But again I wasn't and I could hear him. But at least when he was done, he cleaned up. It's weird. I miss doing that. I can't remember the last time I did it and it's depressing. Since I got sick the last time, I can't hardly get a hard on anymore. I think my pecker is broke. Maybe I need to get me some little blue pills. But even if I get a boner, most of the time I don't have the energy. I think that this is the last straw. I'm ready for this to be over. Everything hurts, I'm always depressed, I don't like anybody to be around me, nothing is fun, and now I can't even beat my meat: I'm ready for the great beyond.....

The Future

2011-04-30T18:10:00.001-05:00

I have been looking for this entry for about 2 months. I remember reading it last year but I forgot where it was. He had a very depressing view of the world.

I woke up the other day from a nap thinking about the dream I had just had. I take alot of naps lately cause of meds and stuff. The dream isn't what I am thinking about right now, it's what I got to thinking about after that. My dream was about using the iphone, 3 G phones, and stuff like that. In my dream, I was able to watch tv, movies, baseball games, and video chat no matter where I was. It got me to thinking about just what life will be like in 10 years. I really think that by that time there will be so many restrictions on technology and the use of said technology, I think it will be a very controlled society. The more technologically dependant we become the fewer freedoms, less real capital, and fewer actual jobs producing a product (most jobs will be in some form of policing our society, policing our thoughts, and moving around the virtual capital that our world has become so dependent upon) we will have. But there will be more toys (anything from TVs, flying personal planes, trips to the bottom of the ocean, trips to space, new drugs, or whatever comes along that can keep people from seeing what they have become) to occupy our time on Earth. I really don't think I would like it. To me it just seems depressing that our society has evolved into what it is now. We have almost become a drone state. In 10 years, it will be 1000 times worse.

Feeling Down

2011-02-05T00:01:00.003-06:00

I found this in one of Kieran's online documents. It was in a folder titled, Jokes. Go Figure.....

I go through spells where I'm very depressed. It's not something that is constant or even worth medication. I do see a therapist but that doesn't help. And I don't think it's something mis-firing in my brain. I think it's just the situation and maybe the constant pressure to try to make everybody else feel better because of our situation. But when I'm down, the normal things that people say to me makes me feel bad. Just about everything makes things worse (sunny days, cloudy days, windy days, rainy days, tv, food, family, strangers, myself, talking, not talking, walking, sitting, thinking, opening my eyes, etc...... Just about the only thing that doesn't make it worse is sleeping. But when you are down (depressed), everybody in the family feels the need to constantly come into my room and ask me if I'm alright, if I need anything, or just to see that I'm still breathing. It's been like this since I did my little stunt and got put into the hospital cause I took too many of my meds. What everybody doesn't know is I was just having a bad day cause I found out that The New Kids on the Block had broken up. I was completely destroyed about that. LOL. But what nobody knows is that when I'm down, it physically hurts to do things like walking around, talking, eating, thinking, or even opening my eyes in a room with light. Sure I know that it really worries my family but I get over it quicker if I'm just left alone as much as possible to deal with it myself.
It's kinda funny that my parents ask me what is wrong and I can't tell them. It's more that just one thing. It's a combination of many different things. Some things I know and some I can't explain. But the one thing I do know is that I really don't think they can help me when I'm down like that. The time I had my little incident, it was because I was constantly being harassed by everybody. I couldn't just work through the things in peace. It felt like someone was constantly pressuring (pushing) me to feel better. But it just doesn't work that way. The only one that didn't really do that was Cody. He would be a smart ass and pick at me, which actually made me feel better. But everybody else was so scared to talk and act normal, that it just made me worse.

And asking me questions to find an answer was the worst. My therapist was the horrible. Besides not having a clue how to deal with me, he asked me questions and wanted me to tell him situations using a fictional person ( Bob doesn't get out of bed because he feels that there is nothing worth living for or Sam believes that nobody understands him or the pain he goes through, etc). Yeah that's brilliant. I spend most of the time in therapy just sitting in a chair looking out the window. Man this guy is completely out of touch and really has no clue how to deal with someone my age. He actually asked me to draw a picture with markers about how I saw the world. I just used a black marker and covered the whole thing with black with a red dot in the middle of the page. I thought it would give him something to write about in his note book but the bad side of that was he kept asking me what the red dot signified. Hell, I don't know. I was just trying to confuse him or really get him going. But it kinda backfired on me. Finally I told him it was the world. Then he asked me what the black part was. I told him that was me. That really got him.
I guess what I really wish I could do is to explain that when I am like that it's because everything just builds up (family, friends, neighbors, docs, always being sick, not being able to do anything, feeling like an anchor on my family, the way I look when I'm sick, daytime tv, Yahoo getting rid of 360, and just the absolute nastiness of the world). I have always been able to deal with my problems myself. I go into my room and spend however long it takes to do it. Sometimes I write in my journal and then read what I've written. Then I think about it. It helps to actually read it especially out loud. After awhile, I can work through it. But when everybody is constantly interrupting me, it works against what I'm trying to do. I don't know if I am actually fixing the problem or just maybe understanding it a little better but it always helps. But it could be that my family and other people doing the things that they do is a major part of me being able to cope when I'm depressed. I know that people with no or little support from family/friends seem to be the ones that usually commit suicide. So I don't know what is the right or wrong way to deal with depression. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I think right now at this point in my life, there are things that I need to work through just like everybody else in the world. Everybody has problems and for the most part they deal with them in their own way. There is no cookie cutter formula to fix every body's problems. I know that there are people that need help with their problems but I think in most cases, the person with the problem can deal with it in their own way if given the chance with support if asked for.

Short Entries #2

2010-09-14T22:04:00.008-05:00

Last May we were at a neighbor's house for a cook out. Some of the moms were in the kitchen cooking the food that wasn't cooked on the grills and getting everything set up for the stampede. Me, Josh, and Jeremy were in the den watching something on TV. For the most part, we were just there cause we wanted to be the first in line cause we were hungry. I don't think the moms knew we were there or that we were listening to them cause they were talking about us. Anyway, one of them told my mom that I was the most beautiful boy that she had ever seen. And one of the other moms (a teacher at my school) said that she agreed. The second one said that I was the most popular kid in my class and that I could get away with murder at school. She said that all the girls were in love with me and that there was no one that didn't like me. About that time, one of the men came in with some of the hamburgers, chicken, and ribs. So they told everybody that it was time to start eating. So we fixed our plates and went out under a tree that had a few lawn chairs and a little table. My butt wasn't in the chair 10 seconds when Josh and Jeremy started in with the beautiful stuff. "You're so beautiful". "I love you, Kieran''. Blah blah blah. Man. Adults really don't have a clue. They don't understand that stuff like that can and will be used against me. And what does "beautiful boy" actually mean? Is it my looks? Is it that I'm a great person and have this irresistible personality? Do I just look good in my jeans? I still don't understand that crap. I'm sorry but there must have been some alcohol or major drugs being used in that kitchen cause anybody that thinks I'm the most beautiful boy they have ever seen has some major problems. And the mom that was a teacher has a warped view of that school and me. I wasn't the most popular kid in my class. I wasn't being chased by all of the girls. There were plenty of kids that didn't like me. I didn't have but 3 friends. I was probably the least popular kid in my class. Jeremy and Josh were very popular. I was just there hanging around with them. I may have gotten away with some stuff at school but I got into trouble sometimes. I was probably in trouble more than Josh and Jeremy, and everything that I got into trouble for they were involved in also. So I think maybe I got away with less than they did.
But it still bothers me. I don't like the idea that people see me as a pretty boy or anything like that. I think I look all right but I'm not beautiful. Man Josh and Jeremy didn't let me forget about that either. They started calling me BB (Beautiful Boy) for a few months after that. They were definitely assholes at times.
This asshole 11th grader was walking in the hallway with his little group of friends. When they went by me, he reached out and knocked my books out of my hands. They all started laughing and calling me a klutz. It really pissed me off. I went after him but a couple of teachers stopped anything from happening. But I told him that I would get him back. Maybe piss through the vent in his locker or something. I'm not gonna do that but I was so mad at that moment that I was capable of doing just about anything. I will get him back in someway. I don't forget.
But I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Most kids my age just put up with this stuff from the older guys. It's like part of being in high school but I don't go along with that stuff. I think I have a wire crossed or something. Even if I get my ass whooped I will keep at it till I get even.
It’s getting close to Christmas. It’s probably gonna be a crappy Christmas and I will be by myself mostly. I don’t want to be involved with my Aunt and Uncle’s Christmas crap. My cousins will be in and it will feel like I’m the odd person out in the whole situation. Plus they are really starting to be weird. My uncle hasn’t been very friendly since I got here and now my aunt is starting to be flaky when I’m around. I have to stay in the attic while my cousins are here. That is gonna suck. Maybe they will just ignore me and just leave me out of the whole thing. That will be too much to wish for. My uncle will be pissed at me if I’m involved and he will be pissed if I’m not involved. So it’s gonna be a lose/lose situation. I wish mom and dad could be here but I don’t think it will happen. Oh well, live sucks and then it sucks a little more.
My English teacher is really great. Man I wish all teachers were like her. She has been the only person that has acted like I was a real person since I got here. She even likes my blog. It's weird having somebody that I know irl looking at my blog but she is cool. I really need to be careful about what I write about. Somethings should stay private.
We went to Shiloh National Battlefield today. It was AWESOME. There probably wasn't 5 kids out of the 30-40 that went that actually cared about it. But to me it was one of the best times I have had on a school trip. There was so much death and unbelievable amount of violence that it's crazy that I find it cool. But the history was everywhere. The tactical part of the battle and the way it was fought on such a large area. It was great. It's not the first time I've been to it but this was the first time we had a guide that explained things to us. There were some guys in the back that kept making stupid remarks and asking even stupider questions, but even with that it was great. The only part of it that I didn't like was the cheesy stuff that they sell there. To me it makes it cheap with that many Americans buried all around the place. There was no way I was going to buy any of that crap even if it, from what they said, was to help support the park. I'm not that dumb.
My teacher still follows me into the bathroom even after all of the crap that went on. Every time I go in and he follows or is in there, I just turn around and leave. I've also seen him walking by my aunt and uncle's house a few times. Yesterday was the second time in the last week that I've seen him out on the road in front of the house. If he thinks I'm going to have anything to do with him, he's crazy. I should get my uncle's shotgun and fire off a few shots over his head, or maybe throw a couple of rocks at him. But I'm not going to do that. I went out and told him to leave me alone. I'm not blaming him for any of the stuff that happened because I'm a big boy, I just think he's a scumbag and I don't want to be around him outside of class. So today his pervert cop buddy came by when I was at the end of the drive. He told me that my teacher was his friend and that it was best if I didn't talk about things. He said that he could really cause me alot of trouble if I started telling lies about them, so I should really be careful what I say and do. He was touching his gun when he was talking so I completely understood but I thought it was a little over the top with the gun stuff.
Can't wait till school is out and I am out of here. This whole place can kiss my ass especially the 2 assholes that are my aunt and uncle. Hope they rot in hell.
I got into a argument with Sissy today. It started out as nothing. I was trying to be supportive. I was telling her that she should go back and get her degree and stop letting her husband tell her what she can and can’t do. Mom and Dad told her that they would help her with Shea. They would pay everything that a grant wouldn’t cover. They would also take care of her car, books, food, and whatever else she would need. I was just trying to tell her that it can't get any better than that. It would still be a major thing cause it would mean alot of traveling which would mean alot of time away from the fam. Then when she was at home, she would need time to study. She was really freaking out cause she felt like we were pushing her too hard and maybe she was right. But she didn't need to start in on me. I think I'll survive but she can really cut you up when she gets pissed at you. Man.....I’m gonna stop being a nice guy cause it doesn’t cause anything but trouble.
I thought I was going to jail today and it wasn't something I did. I went with Mom to Walmart. We were doing the grocery thing which is a big pain cause I could really care less about shopping. We were in the isle that has candy and there was a lady with a couple of little boys right in front of us. Anyway, the kids were going crazy and the lady was one of those constantly pissed-off people and was yelling at the kids. Then she started grabbing the kids and being really psychotic. She grabbed the older boy by the arm and jerked real hard, hard enough that he was flying thru the air and hit his head on the cart. My mom went off on the lady. I'm being serious, she went off like a Meryl Streep/Clint Eastwood/Carrot Top combo. The store security got involved and didn't help at all. Then a couple of cops showed up and made it worse. Mom got even madder when one of the cops asked the other lady if she was alright. Mom told them to check if the kids were alright cause the lady was throwing them around the isle like dolls. They finally looked at the security cameras and saw that mom wasn't the one that was the problem. But we were told that it was best if we went home. Man we were thrown out of Walmart. I didn't know you could be thrown out of a Walmart until you were out of money. You know, there has to be a joke in there somewhere.

You know you're a redneck when you are thrown out of a Walmart.
What do you give to someone that has been thrown out of a Walmart? You give them the "White Trash Of The Year" award.

For a week, there has been this drama going on over this coach/teacher near home. He was at a school close to Kieran's last school for like 28 years. There has been a big thing because he was so respected and was such a big part of the town and school. I read about it in the newspaper and the first thing that hit me was that he was a math teacher and he liked teen aged boys. The first thought that went thru my head is Kieran. But that teacher was never at Kieran's school. But it's weird. Something must be in the water or something with so many math teachers/coachs doing this.

Some Of Kieran's Shorter Entries

2010-09-10T16:06:00.003-05:00

I decided to put some of his short entries on here. They are just a sentence or a short paragraph but you get what was going on with him at that time. They are from different times and are mixed up in order. I messed up when I was writing them down and there are so many that I can't go back to a certain entry.

Last night was sex night for my aunt and uncle. I knew it was gonna be a bad night when my uncle came home early. As soon as he pulled into the drive way, I went to my room to hide. Every time they have one of their “special” nights, it’s the same thing. He comes home early. He takes a shower. Then he takes one of his hard on pills. They eat dinner. Then they go into the den and make out till his pill takes effect (I made the mistake of coming out of my room one night when he was walking from the den to their bedroom, he was walking thru the hallway with a boner). Since then, I always stay in my room from the time he gets home till the next morning. Usually I have earphones on so I don’t have to hear the old people sex sounds. I can’t wait to get out of here. I hate it. I’ve actually thought about stealing something like a car or breaking into somebodies house, so I could get sent somewhere, anywhere.
I'm in trouble again. I went to this place overlooking the highway this morning. It's on a hill on the edge of a field. I was just killing time. I didn't want to be here cause my aunt and uncle are home all day. But I layed back and was looking at the clouds. I accidently fell asleep. I didn't come back till dark and the uncle was mad cause my parents called while I was gone. So I missed being able to talk to my parents but I get to sit around being looked at like a criminal by this asshole after he yelled at me for like an hour. Hate the old bastard. Really Really hate him.
Will has been acting weird lately. I don’t know what is up with him. I’m glad that he’s got friends and that things have really got better for them. I think it’s better that he hangs with kids his own age but it’s still weird the way he avoids me now. I don’t know……
I really don't like living here with these people. My uncle is strange and sometimes I think he's got some real mental issues. It's not that bad during the week but on the weekends, it's bad. It's like he blames me for everything that happens that he doesn't like during that time. And he has some weird ways of making a point. He really likes to make me uncomfortable. He says things and does things that isn't a threat but they just don't fit the situation. He was complaining all day that they couldn't go away for the weekend because of me. So what does he do to show that I am the cause of this? He goes into the bathroom while I'm taking a shower. He takes my clothes, the towels and everything out of the bathroom. Then he sits down on the toilet with a knife, and acts like he's scraping the dirt out from under his finger nails. I have to get out of the shower and walk to hall closet next to my room to get a towel. Maybe he just wanted to see what a real guy or a real good looking guy looks like naked. He got a good look at the whole package and I probably had half a stiffy cause of the hot water and all. Hope he enjoyed the show.
I hate my history teacher and his dumb class. He’s such a moron. I don’t mind that some people have a different view of history. I don’t mind that they try to teach it. I do mind when they dismiss somebody’s view just because it is from a kid especially when the kid backs it up. Everybody has an opinion on Vietnam but I have a major problem when a teacher has a simplistic view (this side is wrong, this side is right). I tried to explain that it was never as simple as that. Nobody was right and everybody was wrong. There was so much wrong about the whole thing that there could never be anything right about it. I layed out my examples and explained why I said that everybody was wrong. He told me that I was wrong and then said that America was on the right side because we were there to help the democratic government hold on to power from the Soviet backed Chinese Communist. I understood then that there was no way I could ever discuss anything with him cause he’s a moron. I was about to get mad and really start argueing but my nose started bleeding. I hate it when that happens cause everybody thinks I’ve been picking my nose in class. I went to the bathroom and then went to see the nurse. I got to miss my next class, which was a plus. But the bad part is that the nurse is gonna call mom and dad cause of all the nose bleeds I’ve had lately. Oh well.
Man I hate being wrong. I got into an argument on line yesterday and I couldn’t quit. I know that I was wrrrrrrrong but I wasn’t gonna give in. Ever….. Yeah, I’m a dumbass. That sounds like a great song title.
I quit drinking Mountain Dew. I noticed when I drink one before school, I have to pee atleast 2 times before 1st break. Same with tea on Sundays. It's a mistake to drink tea before church services. That stuff works thru you way too fast. And no more beans on Sundays. They really start popping Monday and last all day long. Nahhhh. I'm not quitting beans, they're too much fun and I like them. Everybody else will just have to deal with it.

Beans Beans, good for your heart;

The more you eat 'em, the more you fart.

Cody, Jake, the moms, and me were eating lunch today. Mom was talking about how I would sometimes start preaching to her about things even when I was like 8-9-10 years old. She said that one day I was preaching about her speeding and driving without a seatbelt on. She told me that I should stop acting like an adult and start acting like a 12 year old. She said I said that I hadn’t been a 12 year old since I was 5. LOL. I can be a real smartass sometimes.

Dangerous Kids

2010-08-28T23:38:00.004-05:00

I’ve seen a lot of stuff about kids sailing solo around the world or flying great distances in airplanes without adult supervision. I’ve also noticed that a lot have had to be rescued. There was some stuff on CNN about it and there were a lot of experts that were against it. There was some talk about the parent’s responsibility to the safety of the kids and that there should be laws against this type of activity with kids that young. I know that I don’t have the answers but I have an opinion. And as it happens, I have Kieran’s opinion. I found something he wrote about this. So I thought I would write a blog and include his thoughts as well.
For me, I don’t have a problem with it. I think most parents have more than enough information to understand the risks to their children without our politicians getting involved. In every case, the family involved had put year into this activity and the kids were well trained. I’m not saying that every parent is capable of this but for the most part, parents will do the right thing for their children. As opposed to these so-called experts, that talk about kids in generalities and are usually pushing a book or something when they are talking on any subject.
The kids that attempt this stuff are usually very capable and are more mature than most kids their ages. They usually have extensive training and have the background for it. It’s not something new to them. But for the rest of the world where parents can’t allow their kids to be out of their eyesight for 20 minutes (this applied to my parents), this would be dangerous. These are parents that for the most part, raise kids that are ill equipped to function in the world because they never have any responsibility. The kids have no freedom to learn and usually spend most of their free time in front of a TV or video game. There are actually parents that use childhood to prepare their kids for life.
I’m not saying that some of these things are not dangerous, but what in life isn’t dangerous. Being alive is dangerous. Everything is dangerous. But what most people miss in this is that there are people that raise their children to be self-reliant strong persons able to deal with hardships. They raise their children to be outgoing and to live life to the fullest. These kids are alive. They work, study, learn, and know what they are doing but they are getting everything out of life that they can. They are not sitting on the couch waiting to die.
These attempts to sail around the world are not something that is done on a whim. They are extensively planned and have safety measures set up for emergencies. I know that every emergency cannot be anticipated but they can be mitigated. And because the kids have been involved in this for years, it’s something that can be less dangerous than riding a bike on neighborhood streets. So for me, if the kid has the right training, the right support, and the right parents: I don’t see why anyone has a standing to say anything about it.
(Kieran)
If I have any kids, they will be allowed to do anything as long as they show they are mature enough to do them. I’ll raise them like my parents raised me. Me, my sister, and brother were never allowed to watch tv till 8 pm except for special occasions. Me and my brother was almost never in the house. I spent almost all of my day light hours in childhood playing ball, going on hikes into the woods, riding 4wheelers or dirt bikes to the river to swim or just riding trails, or working for whoever needed some help. When I was 11-12 years old, my parents let me go camping by my self for a weekend for the first time. Since then, I've gone a lot. Matter of fact, I just got back from 3 days and nights camping out on the river by myself. It was great. My parents made it so any extra money we needed, we had to earn it ourselves. So we were always responsible with money because we had worked for it. We are capable to make decisions for ourselves because we were raised like that.
Yesterday there was a story on the news and in the newspapers about a kid who became the youngest to sail around the world. There was a lot of bad comments about this, mostly about his parents. There was some loudmouth on tv that said it shouldn’t be allowed to happen. He said that no kid at 15 has the knowledge and skill that is required if there had been a major storm or a mechanical failure. I thought it was funny that this guy was saying this after the kid had done it and he showed he had the knowledge and skill that was required. LOL. I asked my dad if he would have let any of us do something like that if we had the background and the knowledge to do it. He said that he would have let me and my sis do it because he thought we had the strength and mental toughness to do it. He said that he wouldn’t have let William do it because of his lack of follow thru and he just wasn’t strong enough mentally. But (with my dad there is always a but it seems), there would have been a lot of years before something like that would have been attempted because it’s not something you go into halfassed. He said that he’s never held us back from anything because of what anybody else thought, and I agree with what he said. He said that a lot of people only see the worst in kids or the lack of follow thru. Most people say that kids today just sit around the house playing video games, talking on their cell phones, on the computer, and watching tv. A lot of them do but it's not all kids, there are plenty of adults do this too. With this I completely agree with dad. Maybe it’s true of some but it’s a bad generalization to say this of all kids because I have only played a computer game maybe 10 times in my life, I just don't have time for that stuff. Almost the only tv I watch is sports. During the school term, I usually work till dark everyday (I live on a farm now). If I work away from the farm, then I still have to come home and do my work on the farm.
I don’t know if it’s right for every kid to do what ever he/she wants to do but for certain kids that have shown they can do these things, they should be allowed to do them. As with every thing in life, it’s up to the individual. Banning a group of people for any reason (including age) is just wrong. But maybe it's just example of age discrimination and the underlying fear of youth by adults. It seems every generation, the biggest threat of the adult world is from the youth of the world. LOL.

Sailing Along In Texas

2010-08-25T22:48:00.003-05:00

I haven't been on much lately and trying to put together any of Kieran's journal entries is a pain. But I think I am through them now. I don't think there are anymore entries that are like this in his journals or in his on-line stashes. If I find anymore, I will post them. This was dated April 05/Jan 06.

I went with my dad on a trip a few years ago during spring break. It was one of those trips that he wanted to talk to me about some things. I had gotten into trouble at school a couple of times and I had a couple of bad grades in class. I also got into a fight with William over something stupid. So dad decided that I needed to go with him on this trip for an attitude adjustment (it was probably mom's idea). We drove all over Texas over 5 days and nights. So we had a lot of time to talk.
And the talking started about 5 miles down the road. He laid into me about what was expected of me and what was not expected of me. He really laid down the law as much as he could. This area is more my mom’s job. But I got the message. It only took about 30 miles and he was thru with his “laying down the law” part. So we had the next 5 days and nights to talk about other stuff. This is one of those great memories that I will have with me forever. I found out so much about my dad during those 5 days. The conversations went into things that he never talks about, with me anyway.
About noon, we stopped to eat somewhere close to the La/Tx state line. While we were in the restaurant, he said something about a woman at one of the other tables. I asked him who she was and he told me she was just a woman that looks like a girlfriend of his when he was in high school. He told me that he was ready to marry her as soon as they graduated from high school. I didn’t know about her at all. He told me a lot about her, things I guess most kids don’t hear about from their dads. But it was cool. They dated for like 2 years and really loved each other he said. They broke up during his jr. year because she didn’t want to become a military wife that had to follow her husband around all over the world. So my dad met my mom later that year and they got married instead.
He didn't talk about anything major the rest of the way to Tyler, Tx. We spent the night there cause he had a business meeting the next morning. After his meeting, we started for Houston and he started talking to me about what I planned to do after high school and college. What was I going to study in college? What were my plans for the future? Blah blah blah..... I told him that I really didn’t have a plan. I had some things that I was interested in but at that moment, I still hadn’t made up my mind. Then I asked him how did he go about that when he was my age? What were his plans at 12/13 years old? He told me that he was really into racing motorcycles at a track close to where he lived. He was also hanging around this guys garage that raced stock cars around the area, learning how to work on cars and to listen to the guys in there talk racing. He said that the next year, he had to start working on the farm more and didn’t have time to do that any more. He said then he wanted to join the forestry service and work in places like Yellowstone or The Grand Canyon Park. He also wanted to have a horse ranch out west. He’s always wanted horses. Then when he was 16, he decided that he would join the military so he would be able to go to college (either to be a veterinarian or get a business degree). When he broke up with his girl friend, he then planned to join up and make it his career. Then he met my mom and things changed again. And before he was out of the Army, William was born, so that put a big crimp in his plans for a career in the military. We talked a lot about the Army and college the rest of the day. It was an interesting day. I got to hear about my dad’s dreams and disappointments. But he wasn’t bitter or down about it, he was kinda happy telling me this stuff. It was probably the first time I realized my dad was 12 years old once upon a time. LOL.
When we got to Houston, we went to his buddy Dale’s house. It was awesome there. I really had a good time. He had a pool and that was great. And another thing was the next day; we went sailing on Dale’s sailboat in the Gulf. That was super cool. Dad had 2 meetings to go to but for the most part, it was just a vacation. I even tried to surf. LOL. I'm a huge dork cause I couldn't even get 20 yards from the beach on that thing to start with. The waves just pushed me in. Then when I did get out, I couldn't get up on it. I almost drank the gulf dry trying. When I finally got up but I had to have looked like the biggest loser on the planet. And to make it even worse, Texas doesn't have huge waves so it should have been easier for me to get up. I think I will leave surfing to people that can look cool riding a board on a wave cause I will never look cool doing it.
On the ride home, he got serious again. I think he was worried about the stuff he told me, and that I would take it wrong or not understand it. And he really wanted me to get his point about decisions. He kept at me, talking about making decisions and making the right decisions. He told me that as an adult, you have to make decisions about life everyday. But that Life decisions are the big ones. Those are decisions that shape where you go in life: marriage, college, work, family, etc. He told me that with a life decision, you should never regret those decisions. They should be decisions made with a lot of thought and if possible, imput from the people that you trust; your family and friends. When you make one of those decisions, you have nothing to regret because you have made the right decision. He said that he would always look back at his memories but he never looks back to see if he could have done something different. He said that his life turned out just how it was supposed to with the people that he was supposed to be with. He talked about me making decisions and how I go about making them. So when we got home, I was wiped out by the stress of the amount of stuff he had pounded into my head. But the things he said to me really stuck with me. I got to thinking about if his other girlfriend had married him I wouldn’t have been born or I wouldn't have been born Me. What if he hadn’t decided to talk to my mom? What if he decided to stay in the military instead of going on to college? What if's are a bitch! They can really mess you up. But I got one thing out of it: All the things that he did in his life and all the things that my mom did in her life, added up to me being on this earth. To me that’s a lot of major life decisions.

The Talk

2010-05-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

I don't know how we got on the subject but last Saturday night I had the talk with mom and dad. I've thought about this for months and I know that they didn't want to talk about it, but I felt I needed to talk to them. After the last visit to the doctor, it was all but said that I wasn't gonna get better. No one would say it to me but I could see it on their faces and in how they talked. Mom and dad spent alot of time with the doctor after the exam. It was a funny day as far as days go. Everything was different. The ride to the doctors office felt different. Mom and dad were the same but I think I was different. Things just seemed clear. Final. And this was before I saw the doctor and got the results of the test. It wasn't like I gave up or anything like that, it was like suddenly I had the answer to the question. Don't ask me what the question is cause it's more than just a simple question, it's my life. I have been going through life not only without the answer but I didn't even have the right question. But I think I finally realized that morning that it wasn't about me. My life is because of those that were part of it. I know that it probably sounds dumb or lame to say that, but it's true. Without the people in my life, my life would have been meaningless: Nothing. Every person that came into my life, good or bad, gave meaning to my life (hopefully the good was more important than the bad). All those days that I spent trying to understand life, was just a waste of time. Instead of sitting around bitching about things that were not that great in my life, I should have been enjoying the things that were great. I look at things now and I know that I had probably the greatest life ever because of the people that was part of my life. My family couldn't have been better. Even Will was probably better than most brothers. I had some of the best friends on the planet in real life and on line (I don't like that real life and on line thing cause I think it makes friendships that are on line seem less than other friendships). I got to spend more time with my family than most people cause of home schooling the last few years. I was able to go on trips with my mom and/or dad. I was able to spend time with Shea and hopefully he will remember me. I was able to be around my sister and brother, and really get to know them. I was able to really become close to Cody and Jake, which made the last year great.
So that morning was different for me. I've heard that phrase,"At Peace". I don't know if that is the description of how I felt, but it's close. I think "I understand it know", is more how I felt. Then the doctor's visit and everything else that day, was more along the line of, comfortable. I know that mom and dad were straining to hold it together and I knew it wasn't the right time to talk. So I waited till it was the right time and it happened Saturday night. Cody, Jake and the rest of the fam were gone to the movies, so it was just us; me, mom and dad. We were just sitting at the table eating dinner and talking. And somewhere in the conversation, I got the chance to swing the conversation to what happens when I die. It wasn't the huge thing that I thought it would be. I had tried to talk about this before but they were not ready for it. They were ready for it this time. I think they had been trying to figure out how to talk to me and I was trying to figure out how to talk to them about it. The main thing was to tell them what I wanted and to hear what they thought about it. It was a really weird conversation. It was one of those things that you only want to do once in your lifetime. joke....... But it was something that really needed to be done. I wanted them to know somethings. I wanted them to do certain things. I had a list of the things that I wanted other people to have. I explained about how I felt about a wake, viewing, and funeral. I told them I wanted to be cremated (I told Cody the next day that I wanted him to pour some of that white glue in with my ashes and make a ashtray or something) and my ashes thrown off of a mountain in Colorado. And then we talked about some other stuff that they thought should be discussed. But by then we had pretty much made peace with everything. It seemed to make them feel a little better and it made me feel alot better cause they didn't make it hard. We went into the den and started watching a movie. All 3 of us were laying in the floor with all of the pillows laying around and under us. I woke up about 6 and they were still there next to me. It was a great night. I really love my parents. I know that I will miss them.
I know that I have always felt that I was grown up and able to take care of myself, but I think that day I actually felt like an adult. It was one of those defining days that you only have maybe once or twice in a lifetime. And my parents looked at me and talked to me as a man instead of a boy. That was a big thing to me. I think you can be 50 years old but if your parents don't see you as an adult, your still a child. So that day was a very special day to me. It could have been sad and real messy, but it turned out to be a day to remember. I'll tell you a little secret, I've had a few days to remember lately. I want to remember every day and I want every day to be the longest day of my life cause I don't want to die. I know that I will and it will be soon, but I'm not gonna just go out quietly.
I decided that I wanted to put this song with this blog. I don't know if I will get to post it or if anybody will ever read this, but this song is awesome and it's what I'm listening to right now. It's "Wave Of Mutilation" by The Pixies. Hope you enjoy........

Punishment(s)

2010-05-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

This is from 7/08

Yesterday I was with mom coming back from Barnes Crossing Mall in Tupelo. She was listening to this talk radio station. I wasn't really paying attention to the radio, I was thinking how nice it would be if I was laying in my bed right at that moment. But I started paying attention when she started shaking her head and mumbling in her "I hate people like this" voice. We had just got on the highway in front of the mall when she turned the radio down and got her phone out. She called the station to talk to a guest on the radio show. I turned the radio back up a little so I could hear what was going on. The guest was some woman talking about alternatives to corporal punishment. She was really throwing out alot of "facts" and "statistics", but without explaining any of them. And every time the lady said beating instead of paddling/whipping/whatever, my mom would mumble more and shake her head harder. She said that it was a scientific fact that CP was harmful to children's learning, and Psychiatrist and Pediatricians were against CP. She went so far as to practically say that the whole scientific community believed CP was harmful to child development and is detrimental to learning. And now she was on the radio show to promote her beliefs with a picket outside of the capital building in a couple of weeks. She wants to as many people as she can but she was really hoping that she could get alot of kids to show up for the picket because they were the ones with the most to gain or lose. I knew there was going to be a throw down over the radio and I wasn't gonna miss it. Matter of fact, I had a front row seat to the show. LOL.
It didn't take long for them to get mom on the air. My mom told them that she was a professor of English and Political Science at a university. She no longer taught Political Science but was still teaching English at a local community college. And she told them that she did not agree with what their guest was saying on the air and would like to discuss it with her. So I think they probably bypassed the other callers so my mom could get on the air to argue with her. I don't think the guys that host the show liked the guest, her attitude, or what she was saying (she was in her early 20's and was on a crusade to rid the world of corporal punishment in schools and private homes). And my mom really hates people that throw out statistics as proof because she says that there are any number of ways to shade them to (make them) fit a certain belief or stance.
Anyway my mom right off the bat, told the lady that she was making judgements on something that she probably had very little first hand knowledge of. The lady then said that she had done extensive studies on the subject and that it's a fact that CP is a detriment in the school setting. She said that comparing schools that have CP to schools without CP, students that go to schools without CP have a higher IQ, significant higher graduation rate, and more college education. So my mom countered with a few questions:

Who did these studies?
Was this a study of prep schools, military schools, religious schools, performing arts schools, etc?
Was it a study of public schools?
Was it a combination of both (comparing private schools without CP to public schools with Cp)?

The lady said that there was alot of studies on her web site, which I don't remember what the name is. But she never would say who they were done by. The types of schools that were studied, she didn't know. But she said that it wouldn't matter because children are still just children. My mom told her that she was in for a big surprise because there is no typical person and especially there is not a typical child. And the schools do matter because in a private school, the children want to be there are at least their parents want them to be there. They pay a tuition to go to those private schools and for the most part, won't jeopardize it by bad acts. The corporal punishment in those schools is being thrown out of those schools. In a public school, it's not the same. It's extremely hard to dismiss a student from a public school and the students know it. Public schools without CP, have no way to control the students that want to cause trouble. That is why you see police officers patrolling the halls of some public schools where you don't see that at private schools. She was still talking to the lady on the radio when she said that "you keep referring CP to beatings. I'm sorry if you were beaten when you were a child but true CP is not beatings. It is a punishment for an offence perpetrated by a student. Just like in real life, there are punishments for certain behaviours. And since schools are a time for learning, why not learn that lesson as well as math, English, History, and Biology. Maybe that is what is wrong with our society now. We have a whole generation of children that are taught that there is no punishment for bad behaviour. Then they become adults and suddenly they are in trouble with the law because they never learned that important lesson. My mom told her that none of her children have been paddled at school without her knowledge, and I can say that is true. Every time me and/or my sibs got into trouble the school called my mom or dad. They came to the school to here about what happened. If we deserved the punishment, we got it with my parents blessings. Then we probably got it again when we got home. The thing is, we knew what we had done, we knew what the possible consequences were, and we had no one to blame but ourselves. I never saw it as a beating. I never saw it as an assault. I knew it was punishment for something that I had done that was possibly very dangerous but at least disruptive and disrespectful to my teachers and other classmates. My parents never punished me for anything without first I knew and understood the reason for the punishment. My mom told her that a beating was for the most part an anger driven act of violence, an act of revenge, or an act of a sociopath. A paddling is none of those. It's a small measure of punishment compared to adults who go thru childhood without any measure of punishment and then have to face a world that will punish you to the extreme. Then mom told the lady that it was time to take back our public schools. It was time to teach and without some form of authority, punishment, and safety there is no way this can happen. We will just have the same or worse public schools.

She then told the woman that she knows that there are cases where punishments were turned into something that wasn't punishment. But just like everything else in life, there are people that will abuse situations. Then she told the lady that she was doing the same thing. She was abusing the listeners of this show to gain notoriety. She was giving false statistics, using double talk, and fudged facts to get people visit her web site. And the reason she thought that was because every chance the lady had to answer a question, she would refer (mention) her web site instead of answer the question. She was doing this radio interview and call in show to get hits on her web page (my mom called her a sick lady with a perverted morality to use this discussion to promote her web site).

After that the lady didn't say alot. She kinda stammered, huffed and puffed about being treated so badly by the callers and host of the show, and ended up having to leave the interview early cause of something (I think it was cause every caller was really giving her hell about her lack of personal knowledge on the discussion). After she left, the callers got even worse and I kinda felt bad for her. But I'll tell you a little secret, if your not from Mississippi or you lack a southern accent, don't talk to us like we are retarded. It's a sure way of getting punched right in the face. Or in her case, somebody will show you just how stupid you are. Just because we talk slow doesn't mean we're stupid. And just because we are from the south doesn't mean we're not educated. Alot of times, we just don't need the validation from a loudmouthed outsider to feel good about who we are.

Recycling

2010-04-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

This is from 5/07. I should have posted this awhile back but I've been real busy and it just slipped my mind.

There was a rally at my mom's college that was about the environment and global warming. I thought it would be fun to go to it and maybe "get involved". There were a couple of people that were invited to speak and along with some of the faculty and students. There was a couple of local bands that played at it. My mom is part of the college community, so she went but wasn't a speaker (it was like she had to go but it wasn't an official "you have to go" if you know what I mean). I went along with her. I didn't go to be one of those people that shout sarcastic crap from the back, I went because I wanted to hear more about things. I want to know what other people think and do. I like to hear what people stand for, especially very outspoken people.
So we got there early. We went by my mom's office. She stayed there while I went to the football stadium. I got to see alot of the people get there. It was on the outside of the stadium but the stadium was open for bathroom usage. I went into the stands and sat on the top. I watched all of the people arrive. It was cool to watch all the people just filter in. You can see alot of stuff from there and it was behind the stage, so I was like a peeping tom.
But I noticed a few things as I was up there. The students that put it on were running around getting things organized. I watched them for awhile cause I knew a couple of them. First thing was some of them were drinking from plastic water/coke bottles. There was a older guy (he turned out to be one of the guest speakers) that got there just before the rally started. He actually had a Styrofoam cup from the Exxon station from up the street. I just thought it was funny and not what I expected (I promise I was not going to this thing to see how I could see bad aspects of these people).
Just before it started, I went out to the area in front of the stage. I got up kinda close to the stage and listened to the speakers. It wasn't a big "You got to change your ways or we die" kind of thing. I actually enjoyed it alot. The main speakers talked about things that individual people can do to make a difference and stuff like that. I mainly got the message that I wanted to hear. We need to change our own way of life. We need to do things ourselves and not rely on other people or the government(s) to do it. Then a few of the more prominent students did their thing. I didn't like that as much. To me, it seemed they wanted to get applause and stuff like that, more than actually make a difference or say anything worth listening to. Their main message was let's blame it on somebody (mainly the government, our parents, grandparents, and the republicans), which got me irritated and nosey. I know a couple of them from my mom's office and classes, and they are anything but environmentally friendly.
So then the bands played and after that, some of the faculty spoke. I liked a couple of them but a couple of them I didn't like. The one's I didn't like was because they were so pompous and self-righteous. I don't like that. And it wasn't something that sounded like it was important to them but it was like they had a script that they had to follow. The one's that I liked spoke and acted like they were speaking from the heart. It was something that they cared about and it wasn't token lame-assed blame fests. I may not agree with some people but if they are honest and sincere, I will at least listen to them. I like people that are like that. So it ended with the students that set it up going on stage and getting credit/recognition for it from the crowd.
I went to the football stadium and watched the crowd leave and the cleaning crew start their part (there was a ton of trash which I didn't expect). I knew mom was in her office by then, waiting for things to clear out and for me to show up. But I was feeling good (I didn't get sick the whole time or even feel tired) and I was waiting for the couple of students that I knew that had spoke during the rally to leave. I wanted to see what they were driving. I was pretty sure what 2 of them drove. One had a BMW convertible. She was a rich Dad's girl that got everything she wanted. The 2 guys that I knew from mom's office and classes were in big gas hog extended cab trucks. And the other girl was in a big SUV. And one of the prof's that I liked got into a big double cab truck which kinda irritated me. I expected him to drive a VW or a Prius, but not that.
But I did like the rally even if no one else actually cared what it was about. I know that things are hardly ever what they appear to be but I got something out of it. We had almost stopped drinking from plastic bottles but after that we did stop. We got real glass pictures and a water filter on our cold water line that goes to the kitchen sink and fridge. We have metal containers lined with glass to use when we are away from home. At home we drink from real glasses. We stopped getting stuff in plastic bags if possible (alot of times we will carry stuff out of the store if they only have plastic bags). My dad has started using a big 50 gallon drum to drain used oil into so we can take it to a recycling center. We recycle everything we can even if it cost us a little bit. We found a couple of different places that recycles. Some are just standard recycle centers but there are places that will take cardboard, paper, plastic, oil, etc. We have 2 5 gallon buckets that we pour our used vegetable oil into and we give it to this guy that converted his diesel car to where it runs on veg oil (it's smells like a french fry when it goes past you).
I'm not saying we are radical environmentalist or anything like that, but we have changed how we do alot of things. And it just feels like the right thing to do and it's got to be healthier to drink from glass containers. I don't know where the water in stores comes from but I do know where the water I drink comes from. It's for the most part, from our filtered kitchen faucet. I know that instead of throwing out all of that stuff, we are better off dealing with it in the right way instead of adding to the every growing problem. I feel better and I think we all do. My dad is driving a company car now, which gets very good gas mileage instead of his truck. My mom's car gets good gas mileage but she is thinking about getting a hybrid. She has been on that kick for a couple of months and she also wants dad to get rid of his truck, but he's not going to give up his truck without a fight. But he has started going "green" at the office and stuff. Both of my parents try to do the right thing and I think it's cool.
Man if dad comes home with solar panels and expects me to help put them up, he's out of his mind. I'm not going on the roof for any reason except for real high water. lol

An Interesting Opportunity

2010-04-18T19:56:00.004-05:00

My mom and dad have been talking to me since we moved up here about college. My college fund is set. I have enough to go to college and not have to work unless I want to. But they have been talking to me lately about buying some properties inside and/or outside of the town where I go to college and have me manage them. The business will be in my mom's name cause of some financial reasons but I will own half of it. What we want to do is to get into the black on the books as soon as possible (I won't need a real salary because I already have my college fund set and it is more than I ill need so I will probably just put my money back into the company) and then start putting our profits back into other properties. But this will be a way for me to make real a real step toward being independent and get real experience running a business. I didn't know that my parents made the same offer to both my sister and brother. Both didn't want to do it for different reasons. My sister didn't want to do it because she thought it would be more than she could handle. I know she could have done it but it would probably have been really physically hard for her to do some of the things that would have to be done. My brother didn't want to do it because he is just lazy. He had his college fund and had enough money to do the things he wanted to do without having to do this. But I like it. And I said yes right off the bat.
The way they told me it would be is that they would buy the properties with their money, from government grants, and the rest from loans (we think that it will be a small loan maybe on the property that I own or on the business it's self). At first he wanted to set up an office space in his office building to handle the financial part of it but we talked about it for a few days and decided to have that done where ever we have our office. Then we thought about it for a few more days and decided that it would be too big of an expense to have that many people on full time employment for such a small venture. We do plan to expand as we can but to start off, it was just too many people. After we get more properties we will hire somebody to do that locally and try to be completely independent of his company. But in the mean time, he will have someone in his office handle the financial part of it (take care of the taxes, pay bills, do payroll, etc, and just have a Realtor/office manager and Secretary at the office. My part of it will be to collect the rent from overdue renters (both of my parents said that I will always have at least one other guy with me when I do that), in bad cases I would be the one to tell renters that they have to move out and start the eviction process, oversee the properties, do the things that I can do as far as repairs, and to have reliable bonded people to call in to do the repairs that I can't do myself.
One of the properties will be mine. We will have a small office in the town I'm living in. My dad will help me set up my part of it so things will be set up right and he will hire the realtor/office manager to set it up. He will use his lawyers to handle the legal part of it and they will be our lawyers also. We will be linked to his office thru the Internet and phones. I will have to get and use a cell phone (I can't wait for that), have a reliable car (a new car) and have a work truck or van, have and use credit cards, set up accounts in the town at the places that I will have to do alot of business (he will help me with that) and have a few guys (probably other college students) that will be able to work part time for us (which means that I will have to have a good office set up in my house cause I don't want to be part of the main office). He told me that I will have to find those people to work with me because I need to find people that I can work with and rely on to do what I need done.
We talked about how much we are willing to put into this and what kind of properties we want to get (he had already done the research for all of this and had it all in a folder). Like I said, they have been wanting to do this for years. We all agreed that one of the properties should be a storage place (like a rental storage place) because we will need a place to store things that are not needed in the apartments and houses (we will use one of the units to store stuff and rent the rest), plus people are always leaving furniture and things like that when they move out. If we can find a small type building like a small store, we may just use it for storage. And if we need to have a furnished apartment, it would be nice to have the things on hand. My mom said that we will be going to alot of yard sales that spring and summer to find living room sets, dining room sets, and bedroom sets to keep from spending a fortune on new stuff. I will have to have a very good set of tools (everything from screwdrivers to saws to a portable air compressor, to screw guns/nail guns, to lawnmowers and weed eaters, to carpet cleaners, ....). Besides the little things like unclogging sinks and toilets, fixing broken water pipes, changing locks, and stuff like that; I will be responsible for mowing the properties, minor landscaping, minor carpentry repairs, cleaning vacant units, painting the inside after people move out, fixing holes in the walls and stuff like that, replacing appliances, inspecting rented units monthly at least, and being the person that tells renters that they are doing something wrong. I will also be the person that is on call when renters call about problems but they will also be able to call or go to the office.
I guess that it's a good thing that I have always been in the middle of everything my dad has done around the house. I've got the experience to do this I think. The only thing I don't have that much experience with is electrical. But that is what electricians are for. I know that I will have to have 2 reliable bonded electricians, plumbers, and carpenters. The reason for 2 of each is that in an emergency, it's a better chance of getting the work done if you have a backup. My dad will help me set up contracts with them and with other businesses like pest control, hardware stores, office supplies, locksmiths, advertising in realtor guides and newspapers, insurance, a printing company for company stationary: letter heads with the company logo and name, business cards, etc, heating and air contractors, small engine repair, etc. It's alot of stuff that I would never be able to do without help: alot of help.
We decided that the house that I will live in will have an out building/shop on the property even if we have to build it, and use it store my all of the tools and stuff (we decided it needed to be very accessible to me so the closer the better). He said that he would have one of the guys that works for him at his main office come down and help me set it up with the things that I will need, and set up the shop and work vehicle (this guy is awesome and knows what he is doing). We decided that we would try for 10 to 15 units (some houses, some duplexes, and some apartments with multiple units).
We talked about this for days. They both really pressed me hard to make sure that I wanted to do this. They kept telling me that if I didn't want to or think that I wouldn't be able to do it or handle it, that it was ok for me to tell them no. But I'm all for it. It sounds great. I'm at least 2 years away from this but now is the time to make the decision. But if at some point before we buy the properties that any of us decide not to do it, we can just stop. And we are not going to buy the properties till the spring/summer before I start college. So things can change before then. But as of now, it is on. I've been really excited about this since we started talking about it. It just seems too good to be true and such a great way to start my adult life.
I know it will make things that a little harder as far as class work and social life, but man it's great that my parents are willing to invest in me and trust me will that responsibility. I told them that if we do this, I don't want anybody (people outside of the our little company) to know that I am the boss. I don't want the people living in our apartments/houses to know that I'm their landlord or anything like that. The only person there that will know that is the people in the office. I want everybody else to think I just work there.
Man I'm excited. This is so great. I know that I will have to deal with people but it really feels good that my parents see me as a person who can do this. But it's also scary cause it is alot of responsibility. I know that I can't mess up. I can't let them down. It's not just letting them down either but it will effect them financially if I mess this up. It could really hurt my dad's standing in his other businesses. It's not a small thing they are doing. But I'm still excited and ready to do it NOW. If I could get done with my treatments, take my GED, SAT/ACT, and then try to get into the school that I want to go to (Ole Miss); we would start this spring. But I have to get done with my treatments and get into full remission before we can start any of this.
Right after this came up, I talked to William. I didn't know that he had turned this down then. He acted like I had slapped him in the face. It was weird. And I don't understand it. He was offered it and turned it down.

After Kieran died I guess Uncle James and dad talked about this (or it could have been before he died). They decided to go ahead with it. I really don't own part of it like Kieran would have. But for the most part, I am doing what he would have done with Cody helping me. They set it up just like he wrote about. And it's been a very interesting term for me. Some of it has been very unpleasant but for the most part, it's been just a job. I didn't have the college fund Kieran had but I do have enough to take care of things. I have a rent free house. I have a new car. I have credit cards: company and personal. I am the boss here but dad and Uncle James are the real bosses but they haven't been that involved in how things are run. Both me and Cody get paid well. And in a way, we are part owners through my dad. I know that Kieran would have probably had everything running like a Swiss clock but we have been doing alright. We haven't had any major problems, and by next summer, we will be looking for some more properties. I ran an ad in the local paper and posted on the board in the quad about part time work. Me and Cody interviewed everybody that answered the wanted ads and hired 5 guys that have been great. 2 of them actually live in one of the apartments and another lives in the house down the street from where I live. So it's great having them close at hand and all of them have been great workers. But I keep thinking that if he had lived, I think Kieran would have doubled the size of the units in 2 years. He just had a way of willing things to happen. Man I miss him. It's hard to not think of him because everything I do is what he was supposed to be doing right now. Maybe I would have been involved but I know that he would have been running this thing like a business man who had been doing it for 25 years.
By the way, I don't think he was finished with this entry but that was all he had written down. I'm still working through his journals but I'm still not close to the end. And I'm still finding online accounts where he has stuck his writing. I will be reading along and find a new web site with his id and password in the margins. How he kept up with them, I will never know?

2/06

2010-04-11T22:38:00.000-05:00

My aunt has been talking to my parents about me. She is worried that I don't have any friends and I spend too much time by myself in my on world. She is worried that there is something wrong with me because I never interact with them or anybody. Plus over the last couple of weeks, some of my teachers have called my aunt about how I am at school and they think I need counseling. They say the same thing, that I'm not involved in anything or anybody. My mom asked me if anything was wrong and I said no. I don't like it here and I miss home. I don't like living with my aunt and uncle. I miss my friends and my old school. But there isn't anything wrong that I know of. So they came up Friday and stayed till Monday afternoon, so they can go to my school and talk to my teachers. Yeahhhhhhhhhh. That was all I needed.
It was nice having them here for the weekend. We spent alot of time together cause my aunt and uncle went to Tunica till Sunday night. So it was great. We talked about some things but I think they knew that things were ok with me. I wasn't gonna go and shoot up the school, or burn the house down in the middle of the night. I just really don't like it here. I think school would be ok if it wasn't for living in this house with these people. I can't tell them that they don't want me here or that they think I'm a freak. So I just have to deal with it till things get cleared up at home. As soon as school is over, I'm going back home so I can help and also get away from here.
Monday we had a meeting with the principle (who is a friend of my parents from high school). My parents also talked to my teachers and told them that I am just quiet. They told them that I had rather be outside doing something and not being part of some superficial social group. They asked if my grades were bad or some other sign of trouble, and the answer was a big no. My lowest grade in any class is a 94 and I don't cause trouble in class or at school. So my parents asked why they were worried about me. Mom said they didn't have much of an answer. They just said that I didn't act like the other kids in my class. Big Whoop. So in the eyes of my teachers, any kid that is different is a threat. So my parents and the principle were really unhappy with the way the teachers are dealing with me. I don't know if that is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. They may be out for me now but I don't think there will be any problems. It's funny the way this went. My mom is really down on public education right now. If she really got going with her views when she was talking to those teachers, she would have really layed into them. She has the educational background to tear them apart. They should be really happy that she didn't get going. But I'm sure that she made it very clear that she wasn't happy that they had to come up here to explain to them that her son who didn't cause any trouble, had one of the highest GPAs in my class, was troubling them because I didn't talk enough for them. Sometimes I really wonder about the complete stupidity in some people.
But man it was great having them up here for the weekend. Saturday we got up and went out for breakfast. Then we went shopping for some clothes and new shoes. We got some McDonalds for lunch and ate at the park. Then we got some movies and just stayed in Saturday night. Sunday morning, I woke up to the smell of breakfast. A real breakfast. A real breakfast with my parents. It wasn't a pop tart standing on the porch or a microwaved cheese sandwich. It was eggs, bacon, biscuits, hash brown potatoes, sliced tomatoes, and gravy. We didn't do anything Sunday but just sat around. They needed some rest and it was great just knowing they were there. I hated it when my aunt and uncle finally came back. Then Monday, after they did the stuff at school, they headed back home. I barely got to see them or say goodbye. It was great having them here but now it's back to sucking big time. I really hate this place.

It's Called Work

2010-04-09T23:27:00.005-05:00

My second day at work. Yesterday was mostly just learning what to do, where to go, how to do things, who to listen to, and who was the boss. I had to watch a stupid work movie and then take a test on it (I shit you not). I spent some of the time learning how to put the groceries in sacks (the does and dont's). I spent some of the day learning where everything was and how to stock the shelves. I learned to front the shelves. I got to listen to the manager tell me how to deal with customers and what I should wear. Today I start the real work. I know it's just working a grocery store but it's my first real job, so it's gonna be different. I'll tell ya how it went later.
Well my first day was long, hard, hectic, erratic, confusing, boring, and somewhat fun.
First thing was to clock in and then to start stocking shelves. Trying to figure out where stuff went (what aisle and shelve) was a bitch. I probably spent more time searching and asking where things belong than actually stocking the shelves. After about an hour, I got called up front to sack some groceries. I did that for about 15-20 minutes and then went back to stocking. About 9 o'clock the truck came in with the new stock. I helped unload it. Then went back to stocking the shelves till my flat was empty. I took a 10 minute break and then had to sack groceries for a little while. Then I went back to stocking. For the next 3 hours, I went back and forth from stocking to sacking groceries. I took my lunch at the deli, then went outside for about 5 minutes to just get some air. Man it sucks to only have 30 minutes for lunch. Then I went back to work. At 2, some more people came in and there were more people up front to handle that part most of the time for the afternoon rush. So I went back to stocking. It was ok. Once I figured out how things are grouped, it wasn't that bad. But in almost every flat that I did, there would be a couple of items that were not put where I thought they should be. But who am I to question the inter working of the grocery business? lol.
I like what I am doing. I like stocking and working in the back. I don't like working upfront. The people up there seem to spend too much time just standing around talking. It's irritating. And the 2 younger girls that were working the registers, are pure sluts. I think they would hump anybody between 12-90 as long as they have a penis. When I was up front, they talked about who they were doing and who they had done. I think both have done the manager. That's probably why they can just stand around and talk all day without getting in trouble. And I really don't like messing with people's groceries, especially putting them in their car/van. Some of the people that come in during the day, really need to think about cleaning their car and maybe taking a shower before being out in public cause there was one car that gagged me when I opened the door. After I put the groceries in, the woman walked real close to me and she was as bad. Man I felt like taking a shower just because I had touched the car.
I got to help the produce guy. I don't think I want to work there much. Some of the produce is nasty and smells horrible when it is ruined. But I had rather work with produce that in the meat department. I don't want to have any part of that. I don't want to cut meat, handle meat, or any of that. I would probably loose a finger or hand the first day working back there. And plus, it's too easy to really make a mistake and cause somebody to get real sick with that stuff. The guy that runs the meat department is like crazy with how things are done back there and I don't blame him. The girls up front make fun of him but if he doesn't keep things clean and do his work by high standards, it could cause somebody to actually die. I asked him some stuff cause I wondered about it. He has to clean every thing in there probably between 5-10 times a day depending on what he is doing. He has to clean every time he switches from a type of meat because it could cause the meat to be contaminated with alot of different germs and stuff. And handling chicken has to be worst. It's so easy to get food poisoning from bad chicken. I just didn't know how much there was to that.
I told the manager that I didn't want to work on a register. I just don't want to mess with money (I didn't tell him that I didn't want to have that much contact with customers). I told him that I wasn't comfortable with handling money and having that much responsibility (he told me that I wasn't going to be doing that anyway cause it's mainly for employees that have been there for awhile). He told me that I would mainly be doing what I am doing right now. I told him that was good.
So I think I'm gonna like working there. It's not rocket science but it's not digging ditches either. It's something I can do without having to do extreme physical labor. I only work 2 full days and 2 evenings a week, so it's not real bad. And the manager knows that there will be somedays that I won't be able to work but for the most part, I'll know ahead of time.

Class Assignment for Freshman English Class

2010-04-05T20:16:00.004-05:00

What Do I Want To Do With My Life?

I feel that this is a meaningless question because at this moment in time what I want to do probably has nothing to do with what I will end up doing. I could say that I want to be a professional athlete but that is very unrealistic. I could say that I want to be the President of The United States but again it is very unrealistic. On the realistic side of things, I could say that I want to matter in the world so I want to be a doctor. I could say that I want to make a difference so I want to be a teacher. I could be all into myself and say that I want to become rich and famous. Or I could say that I want to get out of school, get a decent paying job, get married to my high school sweetheart, and pump out a few little one's. But none of that matters at this point because I have very little knowledge of the world and have even less knowledge of what my life's calling will be. And even if I have a life's calling it doesn't mean anything because from what I have seen, few follow through on those. But for the assignment I will complete it as you asked.
For myself, I have little use for fame, wealth, and power. I want to make a difference in at least one person's life; hopefully more than one person. I want to live my life true to myself. If I an true to myself, I will be a good person. If I am a good person, I will be a difference maker in the world even if it's only in my small part of the world. As for an occupation, that doesn't matter. Any person doing even the most menial job can make a difference in the world if they are honest, trustworthy, and dependable. So as far as what I want to do with my life, I don't know. I have no clue what occupation I want or will have the chance to do. But what I want from my life is that I want to be a person that people look at and say,"That's Kieran, he's a good, honest, and dependable guy". That's enough for me.

Is becoming an adult when you have to do things that you don't want to do?

2010-04-04T21:40:00.003-05:00

This is from 7/07.

There are some things that I find very hard to do. Among these things it killing something. I don't hunt for sport or for any reason. It's because I just never had that need to kill something. I never had that need to prove myself and I never had to put food on the table by that means. I don't have a problem with people that hunt. It's just not my thing. For the most part, I enjoy all animals, even the pest and predators that exist here. But that doesn't mean that I won't kill something that I feel needs to be killed for the safety of my animals, or even myself or my family.
Awhile back we had some problems with predators. We have been losing chickens to something. At first it was happening in the yard during times when we were not here. Then we lost some in the coop, where they were supposedly safe. So I found myself having to find out what was doing this and taking care of the situation. One day after everybody had left the house, I wasn't feeling that great so I stayed home. I didn't go outside or anything. About 10 in the morning, I heard the chickens in an uproar. I grabbed the shotgun out of the closet and went out on the porch. I then ran to the fenced in part of the coop. When I got there, I found a dog with about 4 dead chickens laying around and he was after another that was in the coop. So I shot him. I can't let that go on. The chickens run about 5-10 dollars apiece and we had lost about 20 in the last month, so I did what I had to do. I really hated doing what I did but it was what had to be done. It was a wild dog that was not gonna stop raiding our chickens till we had no more or I shot him. So I shot him.
About 2 nights later, I heard the chickens again in an uproar. I grabbed the shot gun and ran to the coop. When I got there, there was a mink climbing out of a hole in the top of the coop. It was trying to put a dead chicken thru the hole but the hole was too small for the chicken. I shot the mink. The next day, I worked all day on the coop to make sure there was no more places where a predator could get into the coop.
Then the other day, I was outside with Plato and his cats. The cats were laying around the chair where I was sitting and Plato was playing fetch with a tennis ball. I was home by myself, so I had my little 22 rifle with me. I just happened to see something move where the goats were. I had them staked out clearing a part of underbrush. They are like the greatest thing in the world to clear underbrush. It doesn't matter what it is, they will eat it. Anyway, I grabbed the rifle and went toward the barn so I could see better. It wasn't toward the goats but it was higher up and I could see better. It was also the way to where the goats were. You had to go around 2 different fenced in areas to get to where they were. But when I got to the barn, I could see that it was a coyote. They are a menace to everybody around here. They will kill your dogs, cats, chickens, small animals of any kind (like baby goats and lambs), so I killed it. That same day, I killed a raccoon cause it was on the chicken coop. They will attack and kill your chickens if they can.
It has just been a really hard couple of days. I know that it was something that I had to do and it needed to be done. I would have loved to have caught them in live traps but with all the animals we have, we would only catch our dogs, cats, and chickens. But every time I killed one of those predators, it hurt me. It kinda felt like I was a murderer or at least some hard hearted person that kills first before thinking things thru. I know that I did the right thing but it still feels wrong. I hate things like that. I know that I probably shouldn't write about this because alot of people will see it and think the same thing that I do: that I was wrong in how I went about it. But I have an obligation to my animals to protect them. I don't torture them. Matter of fact, all of my animals are mostly pets that I have almost raised from an early age (they are all still young animals anyway). But if I don't protect them, they will be all killed by something because there are just too many predators here.
Maybe it's part of growing up when you have to do things that are distasteful but necessary. Who know? But I do know that I got no pleasure out of killing any of those animals. I wish they had never came around.

12/07

2010-04-03T22:06:00.001-05:00

When I first started meeting people on the internet, it was something different and for me a great thing because it gave me a place to be me. For what seemed a long time it was just a couple of friends, mainly Liam and D. They helped me survive (and I do mean survive) when it was really hard just to get thru the day. Then I found 360 and I got what I would call a Voice. It was a place where I could write and sometimes chat about my days and other people's days. I met more people but still kept just a few friends. People come and go so easily on here that I think it's a miracle to find a couple people that you can trust. I think I was very very luck. I found more that just a couple but still not a large amount. I don't think anybody can have more than just a few friends that you can trust. And even with these friends it wasn't just a hello and they were my most trusted friends. I have always been friendly but I always hold back my trust till I know I can trust someone. And even with them, I have kept some things from them because somethings don't always need to be talked about or even known.
I got to meet one friend, Liam. It was great to meet him but it wasn't what I thought it would be like. We had kind of grown apart. He felt that I had done something to him and he quit everything for awhile. He got a Facebook page I think but he has new friends now and I don't know his Id or anything. But the meeting was alot different than when we chatted online. He was alot like he was online. He talked constantly. He was hyper and constantly moving around. And I was almost mute. I don't think I said 25 words. It was just so different from 360 that it was hard to believe we were friends. To tell you the truth, I kinda hated that we had met in person because, it was like I was a liar. I wasn't like I am online but he was. I felt like a fake but I don't know if I was fake online or in person. Maybe it was both. Maybe I'm just not a real person anywhere. Some of my other friends have asked if we could meet and I've thought about it alot. I would really like to meet my trusted friends. But there is always that thought in the back of my head that it will be horrible. Who knows, maybe I'll outgrow being that way. Maybe not.
I talked to a couple of friends that were my age on the phone when I first started on yahoo. My mom and dad was very upset over that, maybe I shouldn't have told them. LOL. But I had the same thing happen on the phone. I don't say much on the phone even to my family members, so why did I think it would be different with anybody else. I don't think I have ever had a long conversation on the phone in my life. I've been on the phone for a long time but it's always the other person doing all the talking. I just mainly listen. But both of those friends that I talked to on the phone, kind of went away. They stopped chatting with me or anything. I think it was because of the complete difference between how I am online and how I am in real life. Like I have heard before from people talking about me when they didn't think I could hear what they were saying, I'm spooky. I'm weird.
But in the end the person everybody likes isn't the person they meet or talk to when they get me. I'm the great disappointment. And it bothers me because I don't know why I'm like that. I've had some close friends online give me their phone numbers and I always say that I can't because it would come up on the phone bill or some other excuse. But it's mainly because they don't want to meet or talk to me, they want The Dark One. They want the guy that is outspoken, opinionated enought to argue over just about anything. They want the internet Kieran. The bad thing about that is that he only exist on the internet. Talking to the real me, is like talking to a tree or a rock, but the tree or rock probably has more personality than I do in real life. How's that for a glowing description of myself? And the mom and dad thing also was a big part in not talking on the phone with anybody online. It wasn't the main reason as stated before, but it was part of it especially after the thing with the guy sending me pictures of my house and stuff. That had all of us really upset but especially my parents. And there were a few time when people gave me their phone numbers that it was creepy. This one dude, kept at it for about a month, then I just quit having anything to do with him. He came off as some really messed up dude and it just didn't feel right. Another guy wanted me to call and he was always sending me weird nasty stuff. Again I finally just stopped having anything to do with him. But there were some close friends that gave me their numbers and I knew it was because they wanted to keep in touch when I wasn't able to be online. I never had any doubts about those friends because I knew they were real friends. But it always came back to the fact that I didn't want them to know just how different I was from The Dark One. And I didn't want to lose them as friends. I have a great ability to make people want to be anywhere as long as it's away from me.
So to my friends, I want to thank you because it is a comfort knowing that I do have that option. I want you all to know that I would love to met you and to talk to you in person. It would fill one of my greatest wishes but I do think I would have disappointed if we had done that.
This is from the real Kieran not The Dark One.

Kyle, Chuck, some ghost, a dose of reality, and cops

2010-04-01T21:42:00.003-05:00

I really don't understand the way tv executives pick what shows stay and which are cancelled. I understand that ratings have something to do with it but there are times that ratings don't matter. I'm not attempting to include reality shows in this discussion. This is about television shows with scripts and actors playing comedic/dramatic parts. I do think there is something mentally wrong with some people in the industry. That is the only way that I can except that Medium, Kyle XY, NCIS, the CSIs, Las Vegas, Ghost Whisperer, Chuck, etc are on our tv sets, and The Riches and Surface are not. I just don't understand it. There are some shows in the first category that I think are unique but for the most part, they are badly written/acted/directed (take your pick). Medium and Ghost Whisperer are unique but they are just lamely made with bad story lines. Las Vegas is only on because of all of the beautiful women on the show. NCIS and the CSIs are law shows, so they are usually very predictable and the new thing is forensics (nothing like seeing more blood and gore). And please don't get me started on Kyle XY or Chuck. These are absolutely the most ignorant and both are horribly made. None of those shows stand out to me in any good way.
Now The Riches and Surface are different. There was something different with them.

The Riches blurred the lines between what is seen as right and wrong, but not in a bad way. The show was about a family that had lived a different life from the normal but was trying to become a normal family. It was, to me, a very compelling story and with great characters. Their flaws were shown in a upfront way so it was always part of the story line. The family takes the IDs of a couple that was killed in a car accident (no one knows they were killed and the family covers it up so that no one will ever know anything happened to them) and this couple was in the process of moving to a different part of the country into a very upscale neighborhood in Florida where no one knows them.

The father was a con man and leader of a family of Travelers. His wife is a con artist and thief, who has just gotten out of prison and was addicted to drugs (she started using in prison). The oldest son and the daughter are accomplished thieves and con artists trying to adapt to a private high school. The youngest son is very good at playing just about any part in the families cons (playing a little girl or little boy) but likes to wear girls clothes (which makes things really complicated in a very their new very conservative neighborhood). The whole series was well made, well written, and had a great cast. It was completely crazy to cancel it but shit happens.

Surface was a very good science fiction series. It was mainly about creatures that lived deep in the ocean that no one had ever seen till now. It was sometimes hard to keep up with everything because it wasn't based on a single location but all over the U.S. But the story was very interesting and the characters were great. It wasn't over the top scify and it had alot of different subplots that always kept it interesting. I don't know if it would have kept on being interesting after the first year but as it stands right now, we will never know because it was cancelled even though it had a good rating (go figure).

It just makes me wonder who is in charge of these networks. Instead of keeping these 2 very good shows, they give us shows like Kyle XY, Chuck, or they give us another cop show to go with the hundred we have on tv already. I'm just lost on all of this. Now you know why I don't watch tv that much. Anything that has any intelligence with quality production and coherent story lines is thrown out to make room for something cheap, cheesy, and made for dimwits. Instead of a well thought out series, we get another cop-u-drama, medical series, or even better maybe another reality show. A new reality show is just what we need. Maybe it could be about who can yell, cry, scream, pout, argue and/or whine the best while doing some ignorant tasks or maybe a reality show about who can squeeze out the largest turd while Yoko Ono or Björk sing live in the bathroom with the contestant. There is always enough C class celebs hanging around L.A. for judges. Wow, that last one would probably be one of the better reality shows on the air. But having to listen to Yoko Ono or Björk in person would cause my bodily functions to stop completely. I probably wouldn't be able to squeeze out a molecule thru my sphincter with that noise going on. LOL

Brothers

2010-03-30T23:04:00.003-05:00

This is another I found in Google Documents and it is from 3/07.

It's nice being around my brother for a change. We've never been close and I still don't understand why we don't get along with each other. He's been telling me about the stuff that happened when we were kids and I understand him a little better. But I'm still clueless in understanding me. LOL. I'm such a weirdo.
I asked him why he was always so mean to me when we were kids. I told him that he tormented me at every turn and he did the same to my friends when they were around. He said that when I was real little, I followed him around and we were close. But when I got to be around 6-7-8 years old, things changed. He said that I turned evil. LOL. Who, ME? He said that when ever something happened between us, he didn't know what I would do and I didn't care about punishment. He said that they (him and my sister) were scared of me. I kinda thought that but I didn't know for sure. But I always told anybody that did something to me that I would get them back and something I would tell them how I would do it. But he said that when he got older he didn't want me around and he always had to watch me for my parents. Then it got to be I was just irritating to him. He thought I was weird cause of the stuff I liked to do (like reading and writing in my journals) and that I was always so quiet. But he didn't think he did that much to me. He didn't think it was a bad thing to trick me into taking all of my clothes off and then getting locked out of the house or for him to hit me every time I got close enough for him to hit me. And on and on and on.......
But we talked mostly about the things I did to him. One of the things I remember the best is when I peed on him. I had peed my bed one night when I was little and he showed all of his friends, my sisters friends, and my friends everything. He showed them my underwear, my pjs, and my sheets. So I got back at him in the way I thought was most appropriate. I got up in the middle of the night and stood on a chair next to his bed, and peed all over him while he was asleep. I didn't know that when I peed my bed, he was the one that had to change my sheets and stuff. He told me that the reason he did what he did was to try to stop me from peeing my bed. RIGHT! He was just trying to help me. Again, RIGHT! Well it worked. I didn't pee my bed ever again. I peed his bed though. LOL.
Here's some more things we talked about that I did to him (I would list the things he did to me but there is just so much room on the web and I don't know if there is enough to cover everything he did to me):

I threw one of his baseball cleats in the creek a couple of hours before he had to be at a game. He actually didn't get to play because he couldn't get traction in regular running shoes.
For about a week, I made sure his tires on his bike were flat. He had to walk it down to the station to air the tires back up. He finally caught me doing that.
When I was like 9, I woke him up one morning with a very special "Good Morning". I got my little souvenir Cardinals bat that they give away at some Cardinals games. I snuck over to his bed and I hit him in the stomach with it. Then when he moved to protect his stomach, I hit him in the head a couple of times. He yelled for mom and dad, so I jumped back into my bed and acted like I was asleep. He had 2 knots on his head so it was really hard to act innocent. LOL.
When he was a senior, I told him that I was gonna get Dad's shaver ahold of his head when he was asleep and shave a strip right down the middle. He said that he didn't sleep much for about a week after that.
One morning after he had used mom's car the night before, I got 2 empty beer cans from my friends house, 1 full can, and 2 empty wine coolers I found sitting outside a convince store (I had actually gotten that stuff a couple of days before but had to wait till he used mom's car and came home late). I put them in the back floorboard behind the drivers seat early in the morning. One of the empties wasn't completely empty (it had a little beer still in it) so I poured it out in the floor under the steering wheel. You could smell beer real good. My parents were not pleased. He was grounded for 3 months. It really put a crimp in his senior year activities.

But for my part, I was only doing what I thought was the best way to stop him from torturing me. If he knew there would be a price to pay for doing something to me, it made him think before he did something. Who knows how bad it would have been if I didn't do the stuff that I did? Who knows what hell I would have went thru if he hadn't been scared of me?

Yep I'm evil and should be destroyed!

A Friend In Need?

2010-03-30T21:53:00.001-05:00

This if from 2/06. He posted it before but I thought I would repost it because it is a great example of just how different Kieran looked at the world and the things that went on around him. Sometimes he saw things so different that it got him in trouble or at least made people think there was something wrong with him mentally. But I think he was one of those special people that could see almost everything from every angle. He also loved to freak people out with some of the things he would say.

I was talking to a friend about his dog. It was humping his leg. We discussed this for a minute. I've never had a pet and I don't know how I would act if my pet did that to my leg. It's kind of a weird subject to spend much time on. I got to thinking about it and came up with some things that I think are important. These are my arguments.
First is that it is your pet. He is, alot of time, your best friend and he is in need. Sorry. It's kinda hard not to smile and snicker when I think about letting him do that. But back to the point I was making: if it was another friend you would try anything to help him , right. With in reason. I mean, it's not really hurting anybody. It's just a little embarrassing.
Second is that he has no other form of relief. He can't make a fist. He is stuck in the house, with nothing but your leg. Hey, if that was me, I'd be humping everything that moved and some stuff that didn't.
Third is, what is the alternative. Don't let him do that and the next time your Aunt ______ comes over, he's humping her at Thanksgiving dinner. You know. Or your boss comes over and he goes for the knee. Stop that boy; yeah right. Let him get it out of his system and maybe everybody gets a little peace. Remember that he is your friend and he is hurting.
Fourth is, do you think he would mind if the roles were reversed. He would probably think it an honor to be the subject of your affection.
Ok, I can't say anymore. It's too much already. I do think I'm twisted and to write this blog just proves I'm right. I'm really bored and I hate it when I can't get on line much.

The Pecan Tree

2010-03-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

This was from 4/06.

Living here is the worst place I have ever been. For the most part I am here by myself which is a good thing. But they always come home. And on weekends, it's hard being around them. I really don't like my uncle. My aunt is ok somedays but most of the time, she is just there. I try to stay out of their way. I do the stuff that I am supposed to do. I clean up after my self. I do all of my own laundry. I try to cook most of my meals and I clean up after. I even clean up after their meals sometimes. I buy alot of my food and stuff so they don't have to. I do all the yard work. I don't use his riding mower cause he is crazy about that thing. Only he can use it. So I use the push mower. On days when they are at home, I try to be somewhere else. But on rainy days, it's tough to go outside or stay out of their way in the house. If the weather is real bad, I just stay in my room as much as possible. But that doesn't always work. It just seems my uncle looks for things that he can start a fight over.
Usually when we are in close contact, it's very uncomfortable. He is always glaring at me like I have done something to him. And he loves to yell at me when he is having a bad day. A couple of weeks ago, my aunt made dinner. For some reason, he expected me to eat with them. I haven't eaten with them but just a few time when I first came here. Since then, I don't eat with them. But that night, he thought I was eating with them and got mad when I wasn't sitting at the table. He came up to my room and asked me to come down for dinner. I told him thanks but I wasn't hungry. I knew something was wrong. He just had that look. But anyway, I had a plastic ole miss cup from a game that I use to hold pens and stuff. He grabbed it and threw it at me, then told me that they would no longer cook meals for me you little freak. It's not the first time he's done stuff like that or said something like people like me should be put on an island somewhere away from good honest normal people. And today, I accidentally mowed down a little tree (it was like an inch high). When he came home I was still mowing. He came up behind me and hit me in the back of the legs with a stick. I turned around with my fist clinched. He called me a weirdo and pointed at where the little tree was supposed to be. He said that it was a pecan tree that he wanted to grow into a big tree to go along with his other pecan trees. I told him I didn't know it was anything and that I was sorry. He looked at my fist and asked me if I wanted to fight. I told him that if he ever touched me again, one night he would wake up looking at me grinning cause I would have slit his fucking throat. He just stormed off toward the house yelling for my aunt. I finished mowing and went to my room. I took a quick shower, turned out the lights, and layed on my bed till I went to sleep. It's getting to the point where I'm not in the house when they are except at night. During the day if I'm not at school, I stay outside or go walking somewhere/anywhere. These people can't be normal. And I understand why my cousins don't visit much. And if that old man wants to fight, I will fight him. I think he has the weight on me but I think I can take him. I know one thing, if we fight, he will most definitely be hurting when it's over.
Just a couple of more months and I can go home. I can make it, I can make it, I can make it,.......
I've been going to that hill that looks over a bunch of houses again. I like just sitting up there watching the people that live there go about their lives. I still imagine me being part of the family. I know it's kinda creepy and very weird, but it makes things in my life less of a horror show if only for a little while. I don't know anybody that lives there but I have names for all of them according to which family I imagine I am in at the time. I still think they are all part of the same family. They do so much together. They are always grilling out on the weekends with all or almost all of the families there. They have parties alot. It just looks like a great family and extended family. I found an old metal thing (it's one of those things that people use for a closet because they don't have a closet) that doesn't have any holes in it and it makes it perfect to lay under it if its raining. And this is the same hill that looks over the 4-way stop that I like. I have to go about 1/4 of a mile north of that spot and there is the spot that looks over the highway. I sometimes do that too. I can spend hours watching the stuff that goes on at that one intersection. On good days, there is a cop that is using it take care of his quota of tickets. Actually I think it's the same cop that does that stuff. I really need a camcorder with a real good telescopic lens on it. I think I could bust a cop with ease if I just had the equipment.
But most rainy days, I usually just sit in the old shed or sit under the bridge on the highway. The shed is ok. But it's too close to the house for me. The bridge is noisy but it's dry. And I don't have to worry about the shit that goes on at the place I am having to stay.

The Fight

2010-03-23T22:01:00.001-05:00

My friend Will was sitting outside when the school bully in training, Stefen, decided he would start up with Will. Will's dad is not a well liked person around here. Everybody knows him and he's done something to just about everybody it seems. The family name is like a curse word here. So most of the crap his dad should get, lands on Will, his little sister, and their mom. The way I look at it is that they have no control over what he did but these people around here are determined to make Will, his sister, and mom's lives as horrible as possible. I just can't go along with that. So when he started his crap, I told him to leave him alone. So Stefen decided I was asking for a fight. I told him that I didn't want to fight but if he was dead set on a fight, I would oblige him. He started telling me everything he was gonna do, so I hit him square in the mouth. Then when he raised up and started toward me, I hit him again, right in the nose. And then followed that with a punch to the stomach. He went down like a sack of bricks. He didn't get up after that for a few minutes. After I was taken to the principles office, he went to see the nurse. I got 3 days of suspension but the principle is a good friend of my dads, so that was the end of it.
But things are so confusing now. Since I got into the fight, I am kinda popular. I'm still the guy that doesn't talk but now it's a cool thing where before it was creepy. I talked before the fight but no one ever noticed it. Now when I say something, other kids actually listen. And people are talking to me now and everybody knows my name.
And I've liked this girl since I got here. She is smart and real good looking. But she's one of those girls that doesn't try to look good, she just does. And I found out that she likes me. Which is cool. I sat with her during 1st break. I bought her a coke. We just talked for a few minutes on the steps outside the side door. It's weird liking a girl. Even weirder is that she really likes me for me. She said that she liked me since the first day but was afraid I wouldn't like her. I also found out that everybody was always talking about me because no one knew anything about me except for I was in Katrina and I was living with my aunt and uncle. They didn't know where my family was, if I had any family, or anything. I just showed up one day almost a month into the school year with clothes that didn't fit and out of style. My aunt and uncle's church was gonna do a money drive for me but I told them not to do that (like I wanted everybody to know any of the stuff about me and my family's situation). But she told me that most everybody just wanted to know who I was and where I was from.
The guy I got into a fight with is the cousin of my online friend Pony. He thought it was funny that I beat up his cousin and didn't know it. But since the fight, he hasn't been that bad of a person. I guess we've kinda got an understanding now. He knows that I won't allow him to do that stuff to someone 2-3 years younger than he is. Now if he wants to try bullying someone his own age and size, he can have at it. I really think his bullying days are over. He wasn't much of one to start with but now that he's been taken down a notch in the school hierarchy, he can't afford to take another beating.
So for about a week I was popular. Then as with everything, it died away. Basketball season is in full swing and our team is supposed to be good this year. And baseball season will be starting up soon and I'm gonna try out for the high school team. I probably won't get on the team but I'm gonna try. The coach usually only chooses Jr's and Sr's, so a freshman has no chance. But I like those odds. I think I can beat them. But being serious, we don't have a underclassman team (B team) so there will be alot of us available for early summer league practices.

Tryouts

2010-03-23T22:00:00.006-05:00

This was from 3/06

What a great day? I wrote before that I was thinking about trying out for the baseball team, well I did. There's not that many freshmen that are trying out for the team, there's just 3. Me, this dude names Wayne, (his brother is a Sr), and then the coach's son is trying out at catcher. There has only been 2 Freshmen that has made the team since this coach started here, which has been like 10 years.
The last 2 days have been great. We played 2 intra squad games so the coaches could see us in action. There wasn't a single ball got passed me at 1st base that I could touch, absolutely nothing. Coach even said something about it. When I was in right field, I was perfect. I threw out a couple of base runners that tried to stretch a single into a double. I backed up a play at first base and threw out the runner at second. I made a diving catch and almost threw out the runner trying to get back to second. I even played 3rd for a little while. It's not my best position but the more places I can play, the better chance I have to make the team. And the Coach is known for almost always picking Sr's and Jr's.
I hit good. I didn't hit with much power. I had a couple of doubles and 3 singles during the 2 days. I had 3 rbi's. It was a good average but 1st base and RF are power hitter positions for the most part. And I'm going up against guys that have been here their whole lives and there are 2 Sr's, a Jr, and a Soph trying out for 1st base. And there are 2 Jr's and 2 Sophs trying out for RF, so it's going to be tough to make the team. Cuts are tomorrow, so I will find out then. Wish me luck........

This was the next entry.

I really don't like this place. I didn't make the team even though I was the best 1st baseman on the team. I can hit and I play hard. The coach said that I was the best at that position but I was too young and he couldn't depend on me because I was new. And I didn't have the power that the other (older) players at that position has. Atleast he is consistent. None of the freshmen made the team, even his son. At my old school, I wouldn't have made the team either. But it would have been because I wasn't as good as the others. My old school has alot more players and it would have been probably next year or the next before I would have been able to make the team there. It just makes me mad that I was cut because I wasn't an upperclassman. This place sucks.
Well there's always summer league.

Fire Pit

2010-03-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

We finally finished the outside kitchen/party room/spring and fall sleep zone. It's been great. Some nights I watch tv till I fall asleep. We have a couple of hammocks along with a bunch of other seating with some folding tables. Most of the stuff can be put away where it's just an open space. The tv is in a protected cabinet and during the winter we put it away in the house. But now I've been thinking about having a fire pit. We have a place behind the outside kitchen that we build fires with big rocks around the fire. But I want to build a fire pit with rock walls to sit on and have it all covered with a metal roof.
I talked it over with mom and dad. They liked the idea. So me and dad made a plan. We really want to do it right. We are gonna build a rock wall about 2.5 ft high in a circle. Only there will be 3 openings to walk thru. We want the pit where it can be cleaned easier than the other one was. We looked up a lot of different designs but none were what we wanted. So my dad went to work and came back with the design we wanted. Then we went to this guy dad knows that does welding work and we watched him make it. It's like a big square box with a door that opens in the side toward the bottom to get the ashed out. There is a square tray that is welded where the opening is that is big and long enough to use a little shovel to scoop the ashes out. It has a metal top on it so there won't be an opening in the ground. All I will have to do to empty the ashes is open the top of the tray, open the door, and then scoop the ashes out. On the inside, almost at the bottom is a place where grates will go that holds the wood while it's burning. It was cool watching it being built. The bad thing is that we will have to have somebody with some kind of machinery to place it where we are going to put it. It's going to be partially in the ground so we will have to dig everything so it is in the ground at just the right depth.
So first thing was to level the whole place. Then we dug the hole where the fire pit will go. Then we dug the trench for the clean out box (it wasn't that deep). Then the guy used a backhoe to put the thing in place. We filled in around it while we kept it level. When we finished that part, we started on the poles and roof. My dad had gotten 3 12 ft 4x4 poles and 6 8ft 4x4 poles. A neighbor who has a auger on his tractor, drilled the holes. Then we rented a concrete mixer and started pouring the footers. After we had done all 9 footers and put the bolts in the top, we had to let the concrete set up for 2 days.
After the concrete was cured, we put the poles on them using metal brackets. We used 2x4's to keep them in place and level, while we started on the roof. We put on headers on the outside ones. Then we did the headers on the inside ones. Then we put slats that ran opposite to the headers and is what we had to screw the metal to. Then we started putting the metal on. It was hard to do because it was slick and the metal was hard to get the screws to go thru. But we got that done and we even put up gutters on the one side that is next to the outside kitchen. The top of the roof was made to be a round opening about as big as a basketball. There were brackets that stood about a foot above the top of the hole. We put a funnel like thing that didn't have an opening in the top. The bottom was about 2-3 feet across and fit so there was no way it would leak but smoke can get out.
Then we started on the rock walls/seating and the rocks around the pit. This is where the fun became un-fun. We did the rocks around the pit in about 1/2 day. It looks great. It makes it where you can't accidentally touch metal. But the rock wall part wasn't that easy. It took us almost a whole day to do the wall/bench and it was with rocks that were already made to fit in place. Man they were heavy. But when we got it finished, we decided that we didn't like the way the top was. So we took off the top of the wall and got smooth fitted stones to go on top. It made it level and alot easier on the butt. Then we got fitted stones that interlock to make a circle on the ground that went around the whole thing at the edge of the roof like a perimeter. We had to dig all around the thing to put the rocks into it so only about 2 inches of the stone was above the ground. Then we put pea gravel on the ground inside of the whole thing. And it was finished. It only took us a week of hard work but now we have a great looking fire pit that can be used anytime, even while it's raining.
The next night we tried it out. We invited my aunt and uncle and, our neighbor and his family over for dinner. My brother, sister, her husband and Shea came over. We had BBQ ribs, hamburgers, hot dogs, baked beans, slaw, rolls, It was a pretty cool night but with the fire going real good, it was very comfortable. I think I'm gonna like this and we will use it alot. There's nothing like having a fire on cool nights.
So while we were sitting around talking after dinner, my mom said it would be nice if we had actually finished the outdoor kitchen. And I knew that was aimed right at me. I talked my dad out of the plexiglas panes that we were gonna use during the winter. They would fit inside the screen to make it like a sun room for cold days. I thought it would be money spent for something that we would probably never use or if we used them, we would never take them back out (and I like it the way it is now). We talked about it with everybody there giving their opinions. So we ended up agreeing to finish it like we said we would (which in Dad-speak means we start Monday evening).
So let me tell you about this little project. It seems so simple. But it's not. First thing is that we had to have wood trim (like picture frames) on the inside of the screen. They had to be miter cut so they fit perfectly. Then we put weather stripping against that. Then we put the plexiglas against that and then used miter cut 2x2's to hold it in place. Ofcourse we had to use wood sealant cause mom wanted it to look like the rest of the wood (that natural wood look). We had to get 2 new doors to use during the winter. The screen doors were not strong enough to use plexiglas on and they didn't seal good enough. When we got the new doors put up and working right. Then we had to build a rack inside of a closet where all of the panels and 2x2's will be stored when we take them out. That was a pain in the ass. We worked every evening during the week and finally finished Saturday evening. And mom was right, it's nice with all of the windows during a sunny day. It's almost too much sun. But now we can use it year round for just about anything.
And I have decided that we don't need to build anything else for atleast 2 years. Man I'm tired.

11/05

2010-02-28T20:08:00.006-06:00

I don't know if this was posted on his other blog but I thought it was a good entry about how he felt during that time. It was just after Hurricane Katrina and I know from when we talked about that time and what I have read in his journals that he felt very alone.

The day before yesterday I got into a little scuffle with this guy. He's a Junior and is real popular. He was just playing around but he picked the wrong person on the wrong day to mess with. He tried to pull my shorts and underwear down in front of everybody in the hallway. I jerked away from him and dropped my books, Then I turned around and pushed him real hard. He tripped over somebodys foot and hit his head on the corner of the doorway. He had to get stitches cause it busted his head open. Everybody likes him and I'm just this weird kid that doesn't talk to anybody. So it was all my fault.
So yesterday was the longest day of school I have ever had. I didn't say a single word the whole day to anybody. No one said a single word to me except for 1 teacher which was kind of weird cause it was in the boys bathroom. I was peeing and he came in, and stood next to me. He asked me if I understood the word problems we went over during class. I just shrugged my shoulders, zipped up and left. He's the only teacher that ever says anything more than just the minimum to me, but it's kinda weird when he uses our bathroom and especially when he talks to me when I'm peeing. But he's mostly cool for a teacher and I think he is trying to help me adjust to living here. He doesn't ignore me and he is always friendly.
But for the most part, I am invisible and a huge loser. I've been here 3 months and I don't think anybody knows my name except for my teachers. I think if I jumped off the building or was in some kind of a horrible accident, there would be no one at this school that would even think anything of it.
But to start the next day off right, my aunt and uncle left that morning at like 5 am so they could drive to Memphis. So when I got up I was all alone. Then when I got on the bus, there were just a couple of other kids on it. I sat down and rode that way to school. No one sat by me, said anything to me or even looked at me. I sat in homeroom, 1st period, and 2nd period like I was the only person in the room. During 1st break, I got a coke and sat on the steps outside of the side door. Then 3rd period and 4th period were the same as the first. During lunch, I got a coke and a bag of chips, and went to the computer lab. I sat by the windows watching everybody outside. The rest of the day was the same. In studyhall, it was like I was a leper or something. No one got within 10 feet of me. Then on the bus ride home, I sat by myself again. When I got home, no one was there which wasn't a bad thing. I don't really like my uncle that much cause he makes it plain that he doesn't like me being around him. My aunt is dumb as dirt most of the time. Her beliefs are what my uncles are. She acts like him and does whatever my uncle says. So I guess there was one thing that went right for me even though I would have really liked to have had someone just to talk to me (that wasn't while I was using the bathroom).
I went online, but no one was on (I was really hoping Pony or D would be on but they weren't). I even tried to call my parents just to talk but I didn't get an answer. I ate dinner and sat in my room listening to music till about 10, then finally just went to bed. I heard my aunt and uncle come home about midnight, but didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want to ruin their perfect day by reminding them I was here and still alive.
Actually yesterday wasn't any different than any day I have had since I got here. Man I hate this school and I really hate living in this house with these people. I don't think death could be worse than this.
I want to go home.........

Seth

2010-02-26T12:25:00.006-06:00

He had a heading on this to not post it till the right time. I guess it's the right time.

I hardly ever get online anymore. It's hard to joke around and act like everything is great. And I don't want to talk about how bad I feel constantly cause it's not something anybody wants to hear. I think some know how sick I am most of the time or they have an idea. But I hate answering "How are you feeling" or "How's things going with your treatments". I really don't want them to know how bad things are. I don't want them to know how sick I am from the treatments. I guess I need to write about it more in mu blog but it's hard to do that without making everybody feel bad. Plus it gets old when someone who is sick always talks about being sick. It's not like I'm the only person having problems in the world or like none of my friends don't have their own problems to deal with. I guess I need to write a little more but I just don't want to over do it.

For the most part, I spend my time hanging with Seth when I'm able. Seth is so funny sometimes. I thought I was the person with the least amount of world experience but he is worse than I am. Pretty much all he knows is his house and the hospital stuff. He knows almost nothing about music. He knows nothing about any good movies cause all he ever sees are family movies. I don't think he's ever seen a R rated movie and probably very few PG movies. He used to watch alot of tv but since I got here, he doesn't watch that much. We are able to be out of bed, we are usually trying to cause trouble.
We talk alot and about everything. He is always asking me about stuff especially sex (like I have so much experience). But he just doesn't know anything much. Sometimes we actually talk about beating off which I can't think of ever talking about that with another person beyond what I have had to say to my docs. But it's not like a weird talk but just us talking about things that is kinda important to us right now. I told him about liking guys and stuff cause he likes to see other guys naked (he told me that he didn't accidentally walk in when he saw me naked the first time, he didn't cause he wanted to see me naked to see what I looked like). I also told him that I think I like girls too. He said that he likes girls but he thinks he likes guys too. I told him that I think most guys like both girls and guys, but just won't admit it because of it being such a horrible thing in this uptight world we live in.

And let me tell you, Seth is one good looking dude even as sick as he is. He's smart and has a great sense of humor. He's always ready to cause trouble. He's like 4 inches shorter than me and like a year younger than me, but he is hung like a horse. He's looks like he's 10 but he's 14 (almost 15). But his wiener is like huge. He almost has that old guy dangle to it, where it kinda points downward (I guess mine doesn't weigh enough to do that). But I am very intimidated by him. He's seen me naked before and I know he probably laughed about how little mine is compared to his. And now I know why the nurses like giving him sponge baths (kidding). He told me about getting in the whirlpool tub and when he got out, he had a boner (he had trunks on). And the dude that was helping him out of the tub, saw it too. He said that it was poking out big time. Then when they went to where you dress and he was really not wanting to take his trunks off cause he was embarrassed about it. But the dude told him that it happens to just about every guy that gets into real warm water with it swirling around. He told him not to be embarrassed about it. The guy's name is Rob and he's helped me alot. He's helped me shower and in the whirlpool. I don't like most of the others that do that stuff. Some of them are real creepy. But Rob is cool.

It's funny but I have found out that most of the kids here don't get embarrassed about being naked in front of other people. It has to be because of the constant flow of medical people having to do this or that. And for me it's easier for me if it's not like my mom or sister. I hate it when my mom would stay with me when I had to have something done where I had to undress. My dad finally told her that she should stay out of the room when I had to have stuff like that done cause it was bothering me (yeah I mentioned it to my dad). It's funny when a new kid comes here and has to go thru all of this (it's not funny that they are sick but it's funny that they are not used to so many people being around when you do everything even use the toilet). That is something that I have not gotten used to. I actually threw a roll of toilet paper at a nurse that walked into the bathroom when I was on the toilet. I said, "You damn bitch, if I wanted company in here, I would have left the damn door open". But it gets to a point where just about nothing bothers you anymore. I think it's like being a prisoner in prison and having to shower, use the toilet, etc with guards watching everything you do. Last week a new kid was here and he had this shocked look on his face. He's our age but I don't think he was ready for all of this. The staff has to be careful with all of the patience cause of falls and stuff. And some of the exams and test are pretty much you being naked in front of at least one person and sometimes 2-3-4 people. They always give you stuff to wear or if your naked on a exam table, they cover you privates. But please, that is little comfort cause you know that everybody can see everything. And sometimes the treatments cause rashes and it's better to just be naked. I've walked into Seth's room and he would be walking around butt naked with his parents and some hospital staff in the room. When I get rashes, I sleep with nothing on. The sheets don't bother the rashes for some reason.

And this one nurse seems to always come into my room at the worst times and never takes the hint to leave and come back later. So me and Seth waited till she went to the bathroom. I went into bathroom just after she did. I stood on the toilet in the stall next to the one she was using. I stuck my head over and asked her if I was invading her privacy. She kinda screamed for me to get out of there and I did. She was squeezing out a real smelly one and wow I couldn't get out of there fast enough. She reported me to the administration, which called my parents. We had a meeting about my behaviour. I told them that I had no problems with any of the other nurses or staff but this one nurse was very pushy. She needlessly comes into my room and into the bathroom when I am using the bathroom. She's always doing stuff like that and I decided that I would see how she liked it when someone invaded her privacy. I told them that I wasn't the only one that she does this to. I told them that Seth mentioned that she would do the same thing to him. I told them that we have very little privacy as it is and what little we have is very special to us. And it really bothers me that the few moments when I forget that I'm sick and in the hospital, she barges into the room to stomp that moment out of my head. And I gave them the one example that really bothered me was when I was sitting on the toilet and she opened the door and came in. She didn't knock on the door or say anything to say she was going to come in, she just opened the door and walked in. I haven't seen her since that day. I hope she didn't get fired but she just didn't have the attitude to be working here.

I worry about Seth. He won't say anything but he isn't getting better. I asked his mom and she said that it wasn't looking good right now. The treatments were not doing anything for him and he can't have another surgery because it's has gotten where it's inoperable. He went home last weekend and his mom took a ton of pictures. His home is awesome. And his mom gave me a picture of him laying in the backyard with his puppy. He got a black lab and named him Plato. They showed me a video of Seth, his brothers, and Plato playing in the yard. Man, his brothers are awesome. His whole family is great. They have some beautiful horses, cows, Llamas, a pond with ducks, chickens, goats, in one of the back pastures there's a bunch of wild turkeys, and a couple of beautiful mules. I think if I ever went to visit them, I would never leave. Our place looks good but compared to theirs, it's a dump. But when he came back, he didn't get leave his room for 2 days cause he was so tired. It was a long 5 days till he was back to being Seth.

This Is My Mom

2010-02-25T22:22:00.003-06:00

I found this in one of his Google Document Folders.

Today me and mom went by a neighbor’s house to get a cantaloupe. I didn’t get out of the care when we stopped, it was cool in the car cause of the air conditioning and it was real hot outside. Mom got out and went to the door. The lady walked out and they went down to the field. I sat in the car for it seemed hours but it was only like 15 minutes. So I decided to go check out what was taking so long. When I got close to the field, I could hear the old lady talking real loud. So I went down to the field and just before I got to where I could see them, I stopped so I could listen.
The old woman was cussing like a mad woman. I was thinking that maybe they had gotten into an argument but it was just the old lady talking about her family (she was telling my mom about all of her family troubles very loudly and was very good with her use of some very visual language). I listened to her for a few minutes. It was the funniest thing I have ever heard. His lady about 70 years old was cussing like a sailor about her family. She was mad at everybody it seemed like. She was mad at her sister that lived the next house down and at her cousin that lived across from her.
I decided to walk on over to where they were cause mom was probably ready for a break from the woman’s ranting and she was probably really ready to get home out of the heat. When the old lady saw me, she stopped cussing and acting crazy. We went back to the car and mom gave her some money for the cantaloupe and we left.
As soon as we got on the road, I said to my mom,” So that’s what you girls do when there are no guys around. You stand around cussing, bitching and gripping about everything. I looked over at her with a little smile to show her that I was kidding.
But the bad thing is, that is how that old lady is. She fights with everybody about everything. So does her husband. They don’t take any shit from anybody. But when they are not mad at you, they are great people to be around.
It was funny thinking about my mom listening to this old woman dropping the F-bomb in just about every sentence. My parents don’t talk like that. Sure they have dropped a few four-letter words here and there, but it was because of the situation. It’s just not something that they do on a regular basis. For the most part, it takes an extreme act of stupidity on somebody’s part for my parents to use vulgar language and even then it’s not a barrage of those words but just a token few to show how upset they were.
They reason I decided to write about this is how my mom handled her self in a very uncomfortable situation. She could have been rude and just walked away but she knew the woman just needed somebody to listen to her. She just needed a friend that wouldn’t judge her by her language.
Another reason I wrote about this is because how easy it is to throw those words around and how it isn’t a shock to hear someone use vulgarities in a conversation. My parents are never pleased when I use cuss words but they are especially unpleased when I drop the F-bomb. But I guess they know if I do use that word, it isn’t used lightly. I don’t talk like that and I especially don’t use that word for fun. It takes a lot to get me upset enough to use that word. Maybe that’s why they don’t get mad when I use it. They may be upset but I think they were more upset about what caused me to use that word or similar words. I’ve always thought if you use words like that too much, it looses its bite. It becomes just another bad word instead of showing that someone is very upset.
I can only think of 1 time that I have heard my mom use that word. My brother was dating this girl and they broke up. They were just teenagers being teenagers mostly. But her dad was upset over it and started yelling crap at my brother at a basketball game. My mom and dad were sitting on the bottom bleachers and William was sitting on the end at the top where the older kids always sat. Anyway, the girl’s dad was yelling at William. My mom and dad went up there to see what was going on. And the guy turned around and started yelling at my mom. Anyway, my mom was holding my dad back while this guy was yelling every obscenity you can think of at William, my mom and my dad. Finally mom had heard enough and turned on him. She told him that this wasn’t the place for this but since he wanted to play this out in public so be it. She told him that everybody at the school and actually everybody at a school with in an hour of here knew she was a slut. She would screw anything that stood still long enough for her to mount it. And the reason William broke up with her is because she was messing around with at least 2 other guys at the same time. Then she told him to stop yelling at William for not screwing his daughter and start yelling at his daughter for screwing everybody but him. Then she said that he probably didn’t like hearing this but it was his on f-ing fault because he was the one that wanted to make this public in front of most of the school. Then she told him that he should get his f-ing daughter some help and maybe get some help for him while he was at it. Then the cop that was at the game came up to see what was going on. He helped the guy leave and told my parents to calm down or they would have to leave. I just knew that mom or dad was about to go off on him but they didn’t. They just went back to their seats. Man that guy is so lucky that my dad didn’t push my mom out of the way, cause if my dad had gotten to him it would have been a brutal beating. My dad isn’t the baddest guy on the planet but he has the training to really hurt someone in a fight.
This is another story about my mom and how she reacts during stressful situations. I remember how my mom acted at a car wreck. She was hit by a car on the driver’s side rear and it turned her car into another car. The first thing after checking to see if me and my sister were alright, was to check on everybody else. The woman that hit us was really messed up. My mom helped her out of the car and then sent me to get a blanket out of our trunk (which was no easy thing because the wreck messed up that part of the car). But I finally got the trunk open, got the blanket out, and our emergency kit. By this time the guy that was in the other car was over by where my mom was. He had a real bad cut on his head and I think his arm was broke. She looked after them till the ambulance got there. The man was cussing the woman (he kept talking about how women don’t know how to drive). The woman was cussing my mom (for some reason I still can’t figure out). But my mom just ignored it and tried to make them as comfortable as possible. How she kept from going off on both of them is beyond me but she did.
Some days I think she is a curse on me. But then I remember all the things that she does. I remember the person she is and the person that she made me into (maybe that’s not such a good thing). And I remember that no matter what, she is the rock our family is based on. She controls everything in our lives. She gathers all of our strengths and weaknesses, and makes them into something that can’t be destroyed by anybody or anything. She has 2 very strong willed children, which probably takes every bit of her strength just to cope with us. Then she has my brother who has no idea what to do with his life. My dad is super strong willed but she has his number at all times. Without her, we would be just some people. But with her, we are the family invincible.

Memphis Blues

2010-02-17T13:10:00.004-06:00

After we moved here, Uncle James told me that if I went anywhere with Kieran in the car with me, I should be real careful around the police because Kieran could get us into trouble. He told me that Kieran probably wouldn't get into trouble but he could cause me to get into trouble cause he won't let things go. Thankfully, I never had any problems when Kieran was with me. But I heard all about his run-ins with cops. He may have posted this story before but I thought it was funny in one way but serious in other ways. The funny part of this story is picturing Kieran preaching to this cop about how he wasn't doing his job right. When he thought he was right, he could really lay it on thick.

My mom got a ticket about a month ago for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We were going thru this little part of this town in Tennessee that is like a speed trap for out of state cars. This cop was sitting in a parking lot behind a big sign but you could see the lights on top of the car, but mom wasn't speeding. And as we got to that part of the drive, my mom was actually talking about watching her speed. The speed limit was 35 and she was doing 35 when we went by him. He pulled out and sped up to get right behind us. I leaned over to look at her speed and she was doing 35 mph. He stayed right on our bumper for about a minute, then he put on his blue lights. He came up to her window and asked for her drivers license and proof of insurance. He walked back to his car and sat in it for a few minutes. Then he came back and asked her if she knew she was doing 43 mph in a 35 mph speed zone. My mom told him that she was doing 35 and that I even looked at her speed to make sure she wasn't speeding . He told her that she was speeding and she could contest it in court if she felt he was wrong. So he wrote her a ticket, which turned out to be like 285 dollars.
So this afternoon, we were on our way back home again when we went thru that town. We decided to stop for lunch at a little Mexican restaurant. As we were sitting in the booth waiting for our food, I looked over at a table by the front window and the cop was sitting there with I think his family (2 little boys and a woman). I don't think my mom remembered what he looked like and I didn't say anything to her when I noticed him. When the waitress came with our drinks, chips, salsa, and cheese dip, my mom went to the bathroom. I decided to say Hi to Mr. Serve and Protect. I walked up to him and said "Hi, I'm Kieran. Do you remember me, we met last month? " He said that he didn't remember me. I said "well it could be because I have a cap on now and when we met before I had a bogging on". So I took my cap off. Of course I was bald. He said he still didn't remember me and I knew he wouldn't cause he never really looked at me when he was writing my mom that stupid ticket. I told him that my me and my mom were on our way back home last month from St. Jude's when he pulled us over for speeding just up the street. I said, "You told my mom that she was going 43 mph in a 35 mph speed zone, but she wasn't speeding". I told him that I looked over to see how fast she was driving because we saw him pull out when we went by where he was parked. I told him that we were actually talking about the speed limit at that moment because "you target out of state cars especially if they are women". I told him that he told my mom that she could contest the ticket in court if she felt she was wrongly ticketed. I then said, "but she has too much going on with teaching her classes, taking me to doctors, staying with me when I'm in the hospital, driving back and forth to doctors and the hospital, keeping our house in order, and the hundreds of other things that comes first before she does anything for herself. So contesting that ticket was the last thing on a long list of things and let's not even mention the money that it cost us because of his bad judgement." Then I told him that he was a corrupt coward that targeted people that would probably never contest his tickets because they had other things in their lives that made it impossible to waste that time in a court room just to lose the case and then be charged extra for court cost. I looked at his kids and then back to him and said "Do you tell your family how you make your living or do you just go with the old standard of ' I protect and serve." Then I said, "But I personally want to thank you for everything you do to make this world a better place for the murderers, rapist, and drug dealers because you are out harassing people who are doing nothing wrong except being out of state while driving the speed limit thru your little hole in the road. You are the reason most people who are law abiding citizens distrust or detest cops". Then my mom came over to see what was going on. She told me to get back to our booth and to shut my mouth. So we went back to our food. I looked over at the cop a couple of times and he wasn't happy (as in unhappy enough to shot me if he could). Mom told me to never do that stuff (that wasn't the exact word she used) again and, that we need to hurry up and leave. We ended up getting our main orders to go. We wasn't that hungry anymore anyway. We had kinda filled up on chips, dip, and salsa.
Man one of these days, somebody is gonna hurt me bad if I don't learn to control my mouth. And of course I heard about it all the way home. Mom even called dad on her cell phone so he could tell me what a completely dumb ass I was for doing that. Yes it was fun fun fun, till my daddy took the T-Bird away.
So I guess the older I get the more I stay the same. The bad thing about this is if I wasn't sick I would probably be in jail or in the hospital. But I didn't speak loud or act in an aggressive way. I was very calm and I think I spoke in an almost pleasant tone. But I did want him to understand that what he did was something that I think should be classified as a crime.
I don't know if I have ever mentioned that I have this thing about cops, or should I say I have this thing about bad cops. I think it's sick that people with no concept of right or wrong, can have that authority. This crap just pisses me off cause it's at least 3 tickets (that I know of) that my parents have gotten that I know were bogus. I really don't trust cops for anything.

Remembering Lost Friends

2010-02-16T18:40:00.005-06:00

I found this yesterday. Kieran wrote it in January 08. I think he was going to add some more to it but this is how he left it.

Some days I spend almost all day thinking about friends that have passed away. It's not a bad day. Sometimes it makes me sad but most of the time it feels good to remember them. I don't remember the dumb stuff (arguments, fights, and things like that). It's actually hard to remember any of the bad times. The fun times and the great times we had always seem the easiest to remember. But it also seems that the longer since I was with them, the harder it is to remember them. That makes me feel real bad. So on days that I get like that, I try to write in my journal about them. I try to remember anything and everything no matter what it is. Just something that reminds me of them.
The J's was what my friend Josh's mom called us. When I lived on gulf coast, there were 3 of us that hung around together (me, Josh, and Jeremy). Josh died a month after a bad car wreck. His family moved to Ohio after Katrina and was in a car wreck in 06. He was my best friend most of my life. From the day he moved into our neighborhood, we were friends. I still miss him and I miss having that person that you knew always had your back. Then there was Jeremy who lived on the next street behind my house. He moved away like a year before Katrina. He got into drugs and partying after they moved to Dallas. Mom told me he died from alcohol and drugs (I guess an overdose or something like that). I wasn't as close to him as Josh but he was a very good friend. There was other kids that hung around with us some but they were never gonna be one of us. None of their names start with J so they were never gonna be one of the J's. LOL
I was in the hospital with Seth. I can say that he was as close as you can get to being a "best friend". We were friends for less than a year but we had some great times in a very un-great place. And I guess that being around each other so much at such a bad time, it made it easier to be friends. I sometimes think if he had been cured and if we lived closer, we could have been the greatest of friends. He was just a great person.
Mr. Charles was somebody I never really thought of as a friend till he died. He was always telling me stories about his life. He was also teaching me how to grow a garden (when to plant stuff, when to gather it, how to fertilize it, what to use to kill pest, what to use to kill pest plants). He sometimes tried to act grumpy and like he didn't like having me around, but then he would start telling me some story, show me pictures of something or somebody in his family, walk around his land pointing out some plant or tree that could be used for this or that, or just talk about The Cardinals. He was a huge Stan "The Man" Musial fan. He was fun to be around.
I guess it would be easy to feel bad when I think of them but I don't feel bad. I guess I feel grateful that I got to know them. It was my privilege and honor that they shared their lives with me cause I'm not easy to be around.
Sometimes I feel angry. Josh was so smart, strong, and such a great athlete. I think if he hadn't died, we would maybe be hearing his name in a few years playing for some baseball team. He was fun to be around and always had people wanting to be his friend. But he was alot like me in that he didn't trust easily. And he couldn't stand superficial people or fake people. My mom talked him into writing stories because she happened to read a story he wrote for our English class. He had a way of making his stories come to life. He would write stories and give them to my mom to read, so she would critique them for him. And he was one person that my brother didn't mess with too much cause he was like me in his need for revenge. He would do stuff that made you remember for days/weeks later. And sometimes his revenge left marks. LOL.
I feel angry that Seth never had a best friend but me. He lived his whole life and I was his best friend, and I only knew him for about a year. I feel angry that most of his life was spent in the hospital or at home in bed because he was so sick he couldn't do anything else.
I feel angry that Jeremy will never be able to do the stuff that he was so good at and meant to do. He was so artistic in alot of different ways. He could play drums, piano, and guitar. He was great at writing poems. I think with that combination, he could have been a great in the music business. And he could sit with a pencil and a notebook, and draw such great drawings. Me and Josh could sit around with him and watch him draw for hours. It was such a cool ability.
And Mr Charles was great just to be around. He like me cause I didn't mind working with him. And I didn't interrupt when he was talking. He would talk for hours and I would just sit and listen. He was a wise old man and I hope some of his wisdom found it's way into my head cause he knew so much stuff and had lived a long time. I felt bad that his family spent so little time with him and I think just thought of him as a burden. If they just let him tell them about his life, he had the knowledge that would help them in their lives. People shouldn't ignore the elderly. Most of the elderly are only elderly because they were very intelligent and worked hard. Dumb, lazy people tend not to make it to the age where they can be called elderly.
So I guess you can tell that I have been thinking about them today. It has been a pretty good day but I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to each one of them.

William

2010-02-13T12:35:00.000-06:00

I was asked by a couple of people about William. I found 2 journal entries and just put them together. They are from a couple months apart but they fit together good. So this is a good description of William. It's not Kieran being nasty toward him, it's how William is/was. He's changed some since Kieran died. Maybe he has finally realized that he isn't the center of the universe.

William has been here for about a week and he's acting ok for a change. Maybe it's the woman in the next building. He's been talking her up a lot the last couple of days which is good for me. Anything to keep him out of my hair. I get real tired of hearing how he's only here to help me (blah blah blah). I found out that every time he stays here with me, mom and dad are paying him to lay around and do nothing, but it makes them feel better that there is somebody here (he gets low on money and suddenly he wants to take care of me).
It has been nice outside the last couple of days. If I sit on one side of the patio, I'm in the sun and the wall shields me from any wind. It's nice. Yesterday, I was sitting out there and watched a kid (like 10-11-12 year old) play on the patio across from me. He was close enough to hear what he was saying. He had a little basketball goal set up on the side of the wall with a little foam ball. He was playing like he was in a basketball game on tv. He kept saying "and Anderson slams over 2 players" or "Anderson shoots and hits a 3 with 1 second left on the clock". He played for about an hour and he was having a great time. Most nice days he's out there playing or his sister is out there with her dolls playing. She has a lot of parties with her dolls. A couple of times she's been out there with a friend dressing up the dolls and having tea parties or something. It was fun and funny watching it. I remember a few years ago when I was doing the same thing as the boy and I remember my sister having tea parties and stuff like that with her dolls.
I've been watching the stuff that happens there cause he comes home from school with his little sister and they are by themselves till their mother comes in about 5 o'clock. And the mom is dating this guy who comes over a lot and sits on the patio drinking beer. He sits out there and gets drunk and when he is over, the 2 kids are almost always inside. I think they try to stay away from him as much as possible. I haven't seen anything like him hurting them or anything like that but I've seen and heard the mom and the boyfriend arguing a few times. To me he seems like a bully especially when he is drunk. I don't know the guy but I don't like him and I'm not really sure about the mom. There just seems to be something off with her if she will let that guy act like that around her kids.
Zek came over the other day and we took off for the day in dad's truck. Zek isn't the best driver in the world but he's better than me I guess (you don't want me driving cause I drift, swerve a lot, miss stop signs, miss red lights and my depth perception isn't that great either). And on top of that, I get dizzy concentrating on the road ahead of me. It's like everything gets fuzzy and things look like I'm in a tunnel (I'm not for sure but I think it's like tunnel vision), so I get sick at my stomach. So Zek always drives if we go anywhere. We went to Wolf Chase mall for a little while. Zek pushed me around in a wheelchair. A dumb security guard got on our case cause he thought we were playing. He didn't act nasty or anything, he just saw 2 kids messing around in the mall with one in a wheelchair. It stopped us but it only took about 5 seconds to figure out that we weren't playing.
After that we went over to the sportsplex just off of the Nonconnah. Zek has a cousin that was playing there. We watched the match and then hung around with his cousin and his friends. A bunch of us ended up going to a McDonald's for some FOODDDDDDdddddd. I ate 2 large orders of fries and a lemonade (I still can't eat meat or any kind of dressings so burgers are a no no). But it was great just hanging out with people my age for a change. We stayed there for about an hour then we went home. Zek can't be out past 8 and it was 7:30 before we left McDonalds. We got to the apartment and dad drove Zek home. He was about 45 minutes late. So it may be awhile before we get to run around again. His dad is very strict. I told dad to explain that it was my fault that he was late. Maybe with my dad talking to him and me taking the blame, he won't get into any trouble.
Funny thing is that when I got home, William was still in his room asleep. I had been gone probably 4-5 hours and he didn't know I had left or anything. He's a great help. I'm so lucky I have him around in case of an emergency. LOL
This afternoon, me and William went with dad. He wanted to go us to go with him to one of his employees house. Over the weekend he, his wife, and his daughter were in a car wreck in Arkansas. So we went by the mall and got some stuff for them (a doll for the little girl, flowers for the mom and little girl, and some chocolates for the mom). He was taking a card from the other people in the office and a card from us. We went to the office and dad wrote a check for $5,000 for the guy to use for whatever they needed it for. He said that no matter what the situation, they will need money right now. He has an emergency fund for things like that so if anybody needs help, he has the funds to cover just about anything (I think he told William that the emergency fund was over $50,000). William was behind us in one of the company cars that my dad was leaving for them to use till they got on their feet. He wanted me and William to go cause he wanted us to understand how you treat people that work for you (another life lesson). But the people that work for him absolutely love him. They will do anything for him and he will do anything for them.
It's funny that my dad owns his own company and he's a partner in 2 others, but William can't find a job. He worked for my dad the summer after he graduated from high school but things just didn't go good. I think William expected to be treated special or something, but dad and the people that work for him don't see things that way. Everyone that works for my dad knows how to act. They know who is the boss but for the most part, they don't worry about titles. Everybody does their job as best as they can, people help each other, and they know that dad works as hard as anybody there. I don't think he has ever had to fire a person that has gotten past their probation period. I don't think anybody has quit because of something at the office. I may be wrong but I don't remember ever hearing about any problems there. And I hear a lot of stuff from there cause I get emails from just about everybody in the office. They email me all day long just to tell me jokes or stories or send me a funny picture. I just don't think William will ever be able to work for my dad cause he just isn't the kind of person that my dad would like to have there. The bad thing is that at one time dad wanted to expand the company into another city and have William run that office after he graduated from college. But he's graduated and he's not working. I don't think dad wants William to have authority over people's livelihoods. And I think it really hurts dad that he can't help William, but sometimes you can't help somebody that doesn't want to be helped. THe main thing is that William doesn't care about other people enough to worry about things like if they need help after a car wreck or if they need help after a illness. Sometimes I wonder if he is really my mom and dad's kid. Maybe he was switched at birth or something.

6/07

2010-02-08T22:17:00.004-06:00

This entry is dated 6/07.

There's only maybe 5 people know this story and 4 are my family members. Right after Katrina, we were stuck for almost a week on the coast. The first 3 days, we spent alot of time checking houses around town for people who might have needed help. There were alot of houses that were completely demolished, some partly demolished, and some that didn't seem to have any damage at all. But me, dad, and a couple of other people would go house to house checking. The first day we helped a couple of people who were injured but didn't need major help. The second day, we started going futher out. About 1 in the afternoon, we went to this house that was almost completely gone. The walls had fallen in and the roof was on top of that. There was a place on one side that I could squeeze into. So I crawled into the hole and got into the house far enough that there was enough room for me to sit up but not stand up. I was able to move around inside. When I got about half way to the other side of the house, I found a man with the roof pinning him to the floor. His head had been crushed by the house falling on him. I looked around the rest of the house as much as I could to make sure there wasn't someone alive in there injured and then I crawled out. We marked the house and the went on to the next one. The next day, we went to a house that was partly destroyed. It was a 2 story house. Me, my dad and another guy went into the house. We went into the house and found 2 bodies. The outside wall and roof had fallen in on this older couple. The wife was crushed and my dad thinks the man had a heartattack trying to help her. After that, we were told not to check anymore houses cause there were finally some "official" searchers and we were no longer needed. And there was a problem with looting (how anybody can do that stuff during something like that is beyond me) so we didn't really need to be going into houses after help arrived.

The reason I'm writing this is because I still dream of those people. It's not a bad dream or a good dream. It's more like a dream where we just have a casual conversation between friends/neighbors. I have had some real bad nightmares about different things that are associated with Katrina but none of them were about finding those people. Most of the bad dreams were about my family and close friends. And those really bother me. And there is one dream where I walk out of the shelter during Katrina and rattlesnakes are being blown all over me. That is the one that really scares the crap out of me. But for the most part, my bad dreams of Katrina is about what could have happened not what did happen. I know, I'm weird.

I've had a lot of people ask me what I remember the most about that time during and after. Well beyond the great storm (wind, rain, thunder, lightening), I remember:

The smell. everything smelled dead or of death. There was dead fish, dogs, cat, people, etc.

The heat. It felt like it was 120 degrees and there was no where to go. There was no shelter, no airconditioning, on wind,..... There were just destruction everywhere you looked and nothing else.

There was no water, food, bathrooms, showers, tv, radio, cars, and especially no help. And at night, there was no light anywhere.

The way everybody was helpful. No one was nasty about things. Everybody was willing to help each other in anyway they could cause we were all there was. To me it proved that in those situations, people will for the most part, do the right thing.
Just how great a can of tuna, pork n beans, vienna sausages taste when there is nothing else to eat.

I don't have any bad memories. There are some truely sad things (the lost of life and the helplessness), but for me it was a great time in my life. It helped me to understand my parents in a way most kids never do. It made me grow up at a time I think every kid should but most don't. It made me appreciate the small things that most people overlook. And I think it made me a good person. I guess instead of Katrina defining my life, it helped me to defind my life (if that makes sense).

Food and stuff

2010-01-28T21:26:00.004-06:00

There was no date on this one but it mentioned me so I thought I would post it. It's all good stuff.

2 places that everybody should visit if they ever have the chance is Big Bob Gibson's Bar-B-Q in Decatur, Al and Ellie's Place in Iuka, Ms.

Mom, Cody, Jake, and me went to the space thing in Huntsville, Al. On the way back we stopped at Big Bobs BBQ. It's not the first time I've been there but it was the first time with Cody and Jake. I don't think they have ever had food like that in Idaho or Colorado. Big Bob's is like the greatest BBQ in the world. I've eaten at BBQ places in Memphis, Birmingham, Atlanta, Nashville, and all over Mississippi. But no place compares to Big Bob's. The last time I had a regular BBQ but this time I wanted their Baked Potato BBQ. It's like this huge potato that they bake. Then they load it with everything (sour cream, chives, cheese, real butter, etc) but at Big Bob's they put what ever meat you want in the potato also. So you can have bbq chicken, pork, or beef in your potato. Then they have their special BBQ sauce. It's not like regular bbq sauce. It's as different as you can get from regular bbq sauce but man it's great. It's white. You put that over whatever you get and it's the best in the world.
Ellie's place reminds me of places you would see in New Orleans. It's in this little town, in the like downtown part. It's a little building in the middle of the town that can hold 10 people if they all stand up. They have coke, dr.pepper, sprite, diet coke in the little bottles. But it's the burgers that is so great. They are called slug burgers. They are like 2 bite burgers (like the size of a Krystal's burger) and have like 2 slices of pickle, a ring of onion, and a couple of rings of mustard. But man they are fantastic. No burger in the world can get close. It's a special blend of meat. It has pork and beef both. It's from a local burcher shop and it's their recipe, so it's this place or nowhere for this burger. Everytime we would go to Pickwick Lake during the summer, we would always stop at Ellie's place for those slug burgers if we could. But they are only open at certain times and certain days.
I was gonna put in about the resturant that has all of the fried vegies that I like but it burned down. But if you go anywhere in the South, you can get what they had. Some of the fried foods you should try if you ever get the chance is okra, corn on the cob, cream corn (it's cream corn frozen into balls then coated with breading), sliced jelopena peppers, squash, whole jelopenas with cheese inside of the pepper, dill pickle slices (this is a must), and of course fried green tomatoes. I remember eating at a resturant in South Carolina and they had some of the best fried green tomatoes. So you can find this all over the South and probably even all over if you really look.
Enjoy....

Lets Rant

2010-01-28T13:11:00.004-06:00

This is from 3/07. I think this may be the last one that I will be posting. Everything else isn't even close to being finished. I'm still looking thru his stuff. He had some stuff in Google Document and in his gmail folders. I'm looking thru his yahoo stuff and maybe I'll find something in there. Just about anywhere he could write something and get it stored, he has something stored. Man I never realized how much time he spent writing and thinking about things going on in the world. He didn't talk about politics or celebs that much. I know he wouldn't watch a movie with Tom Cruise or any of the Scientoligists in it. He wouldn't listen to Greenday, Dixie Chicks, or U2. He truely hated them but he never really said much about why to me. Now I know.

I have this affinity for hating on celebs. I absolutely love the crocodile tears, the fake outrage at the injustice of the world, and the typically hypocritical lives they live. I know that there's alot of people that do this kind of crap but it really tweaks my butt hair when these fake people try to tell me about anything. I have a real life. I don't play a real person in front of the camera, I am a real person. I don't view the world thru drug and alcohol tempered eyes. My brain isn't warped from substance abuse (it's just warped). I don't hold myself up to the world as a pied piper: I say and you follow. I may not be world traveled but I'm not comatose either. I have a view of the world, probably one that is more realistic that any celeb has.

I did a search for a few of the more outspoken celebs just to see the things that they have done. It's surprising the things that these celebs support. See I must be missing something. I must be in a coma, because there are some crazy things that these people support.

Susan Sarandon was one of the supporters of John Henry Abbot. He wrote a book from prison and gained the admiration of alot of people from the entertainment community. With their help, he was granted parole. 6 months after he was paroled, he stabbed a man to death because he wouldn't let Abbot use the bathroom in his families restaurant. Sarandon actually named one of her sons after this person. What is with that?

I saw a video of Colin Ferrell at some awards show. It was like a few years ago. He was at the microphone crying about the war in Iraqi. Then he went to the parties after the show and I doubt there was any crying there. If I was so disturbed by something that I cried on national tv, I wouldn't be partying right after. But that's just me, my conscience wouldn't let me be that shallow. Maybe I'm just not adult enough to understand the subtleties of this profound act. Maybe in a few years I can be so moved that I cry about the injustices of the world one moment and then party like it's the end of the world a few minutes later. Wouldn't it be great to have a conscience you can turn on and off at your own convenience, but still hold yourself up as An Enlightened One?

Mel Gibson. He seems so down to earth. He plays these characters that seem likeable in a human way. But then he shows his true self, a drunk bigot. But he's still a money maker with the ability to make people see things his way. How can this person still be seen as a person of substance? Money, money, money talks!

Alec Baldwin and the brothers DIM. Wow. These are my role models. How could I go wrong modeling my life after any of them? LOL. These morons could support me and I would still not agree with them. That's how much I think of them. Alec in one of his little angry fits, called his 11 year old daughter a "thoughtless little pig" in a phone message. What is up with that?

Billy Joe Armstrong is another one. How can someone who has lived the life he's lived, have the stones to write songs about anybody else? Hypocrisy. He's lived a life of excess and violence, but is morally against violence and excess. Wow. Mixed signals there. Typical glory hound. It's way too easy to stand on a stage in front of a bunch of kids and yell "down with authority".

All of the drug and alcohol induced whiners that get on tv and tell me how something is horrible, I say look at yourself. Most of them have repeated driving under the influence charges (no telling how many people they put at risk by driving like that), repeated stays in rehab clinics (to keep from going to jail), but still tell us what is good and bad in the world. To me it's the same as Saturday Night Sinners/Sunday Morning Christians telling me how to live. It's hypocritical as hell. Someone who can't control their own behavior shouldn't go around telling other people how to do anything.

And I don't buy into the fame weighs on them, excuse. No one has to live in the media eye that has that much money. There are plenty of famous people that don't play the celeb. They live outside of the Hollywood limelight. They don't feel the need to be in front of a camera except when they are paid to. The tabloids partner with certain celebs. The tabloids get the pictures, and the celeb gets the attention. Publicity in any form is still publicity.

There are plenty of politicians that jump to mind that are/were different from what they showed in public that I would put in with these BEE_YOU_TEE_FULL people.

Senator Craig. Step up to the plate. Stop hiding behind stall doors. You are who you are, so except it and go on with your life. So you probably won't be popular with the Right but hey at least your being honest with yourself.

The Kennedy's. I do think they were involved in some great things. I just don't know if it was actually something that was meant. To me just about everything that was accomplished by them was by accident. They were spoiled elitists with more money than the family knew what to do with. They were alcoholics, drug abusers, and couldn't keep their peckers in their pants long enough to actually do any good on purpose. So this myth that they were this family of Great leaders to me is wrong. They were just there. Right time, right place, with the right connections, and of course the looks.

President George Bush needs to stop acting like the know-all Savior of this country. He along with most of the Republicans are loosing touch with reality. Nothing seems too unconstitutional for him to say is in our "National Interest" or for the "Safety" of Americans. REALLY! If we keep going with the "Safety" theme, soon it will be against the law to leave our homes, except to pay taxes and vote Republican.

Maybe I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I don't understand why politicians don't get it. They are our Representatives. They should reflect our beliefs. How can they represent us and lead us without representing all of us? And at what point did politicians get the idea that they can act in anyway because they are who they are? They are suppose to be the elite of our society. They are suppose to be the best of the best. They are suppose to safeguard our lively hoods but instead they are the dregs of society. Not the best of the best, but the best con artist.

Maybe I missed something along the way but why is Russ Limbaugh still around. Is it completely crazy for someone to spout all of his conservative venom before, during, and after his affair with drugs? I guess if your loud enough and say the right things, you can gain forgiveness from the Right for just about anything. Hey Russ, can you say, OXY?

Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, and the rest of the biased News agencies that base their programming on biased news commentary; are Morally Retarded and Morally Corrupt. Everything is shaded to fit their target audience. They shade news (what little news they put on the air) to fit a belief or promote fears. It's just political commentary. I've started getting my news from the changing seasons. It's just as reliable and at least I don't get lied to as often, plus it's more accessible for me to bitch at. LOL. Damn weather. I was gonna get my news from the insects, plants, and animals in the woods; but now there are TOO many of them foreign insects, plants, and animal. I can't understand 'em. LOL.

Well I can't stop there. Some of you may be thinking, "What about You"? Welllllllll, I think I'm sick of my ranting. I do hate whinny know-it-all teenagers that have practically no life experiences. I think I need to grow up and learn that the world isn't perfect. Life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect (I'll have to think that one over later on). I need to get tougher. I think I let too much of the dumb shit get to me, like celebrities, politicians, and churches. I need to spend more time out in the world and less time barricaded in my room. It's too easy for me to stand on the sidelines and yell at the world. I need to be involved with the world to be able to bitch about it.

Maybe I just need to get layed. LOL.

Who doesn't?

Well that's my rant for today. Did I leave anybody out? LOL.

Man, I was all over the place with this one.

Justified

2010-01-25T23:27:00.001-06:00

This is from 9/07.

I'm not always so sensitive to other people. I try to be but I can't relate to certain behaviors. When someone over comes great odds to make a good life, I admire that. I'm not talking about making alot of money or becoming famous. I mean the people who live, work, and raise their families without the attitude that they are owed something. They don't need to justify their life because their accomplishment wasn't that they lived but that they made society better just by being in it. There are people in this country that don't play into the role of victim and I admire that.

Then I see the other side, the people that are always a victim. These are the people that spend their lives taking from society and never giving anything back. They prey on us like vampires, sucking the life out of us. Nothing is accomplished because they do nothing that helps society. The roles they play are many and very diverse, and it has nothing to do with how rich or poor they are. It has nothing to do with race. It has nothing to do with what sex they are. It has nothing to do with where they are from. It's simply an amoral person(s) at the right moment in time with a society guilted into submission by every form of media, religious group, ant-religious group, and political party over injustices from decades/centuries ago. At this time in our evolution, we need those victims to save/help. We need that jolt that goes with helping someone. We need that feel-good feeling to over come the guilt of personal accomplishments especially financial. We need to alleviate that guilt from our sometimes horrid history of injustice. But please be aware that these victims are not always real victims. There are too many people in this world who feel they are owed something from society. They feel that any action on their part is justified because they are alive (birth = entitlement).

Playing the victim is almost the perfect life right now. It must be because every day you see something or hear about somebody that needs your help. There is always somebody with their hand out. But every time somebody is found out to be a fraud, it takes away from the real victims (people who actually can't help themselves for whatever reason). Most of these people know how to play the system and to play us. For me, I had rather be dead than live that way. And it seems that everybody has been molested, physically abused, mentally abused, racially abused, religiously abused, etc......... And they all want to get paid for it. There is truly a price on almost everything now.

It's kinda sickening to hear what some of these victims call abuse. It's even more sickening to hear that alot of the time, our society agrees. I don't like most big companies. But not liking them doesn't mean I think they are the problem. Some examples of these are:

The people that sued McDonald's because their fries tasted too good. The most exercise these people got was the actual motion of putting the fries into their mouth and chewing. Am I the only person that doesn't understand this?
The tobacco companies being blamed for smoking. I'm sorry. I don't understand it.
Gun companies being sued for people using them. Stupidity.
Drug companies being sued cause the medication worked. Maybe I'm slow but What? There was an ad on tv for a law firm looking for people who had used a certain pain medication and became addicted to it. And I'm sure there were people that were shopping for doctors that will be involved in that lawsuit.

I went to my local doc awhile back. I listened to a woman talking to another woman and man in the waiting room (the first woman was sitting with her back to me so it was hard not to hear the conversation). They were talking about going to this doctor in Alabama that gives out alot of pain medications. The woman was telling them the stuff to say to the doctor and how get alot of stuff without really being hurt. She said it was easy. She goes to a couple of different doctors and her husband does the same thing. All 3 of them were there that day not because they were sick or hurt, but because they were playing the system. But in the process, they were clogging up the system. I ended up having to wait almost 1 1/2 hours past my appointment time just to get a stupid checkup and have blood drawn. I hope they enjoyed their medications and I hope that one day they are actually sick but have to wait because there are people playing sick that is in front of them.
All of this makes me leery of anybody that claims abuse. I question everything about victimization now because even some of the real victims of abuse played into the act. And in my view, most of the claims are crap. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I'm too judgemental. Maybe I'm just plain wrong. But maybe I'm right and people need to step up and help themselves before proclaiming themselves victims. Because no matter what, every time somebody gets away with these bogus claims, we pay for it. Not the big companies or the government: we do. One way or the other, we pay for everything.

Favre Gate

2010-01-21T23:40:00.000-06:00

This is from 8/08.

Maybe I look at things wrong. Maybe. But I don’t look at things from just one side. From what I can see, Favre and the Packers are both right and wrong. To start with, I think there was something going on from awhile back when McCarthy, Murphy, and Thompson decided to almost push Favre out. And I don't understand it. If you like him or not, he has been a great player for the Packers. But from his perch on top of the Green Bay Packers history, he was given little support from the higher ups the last few years. To me it seems that for whatever reason, there was resentment from the front office for Favre. Maybe they felt the fans gave Favre too much power over them. Maybe he was just too Favre for Thompson, Murphy, and McCarthy. But from what I can see, there is something screwy in Green Bay.
Sure Favre was wrong to retire. Maybe he was really wrong by not informing the coaching staff and management ahead of time that he was coming back. But is that reason enough to make this much of a drama in Green Bay. If Thompson and McCarthy were really being honest, they would say that the best QB and the person who would give them the best chance to win would be Brett Favre. If they were honest, they would have been upfront with everything. If they didn't want him on the team, release him. It's a simple thing. See as soon as Favre started talking about coming back to Green Bay to play, the organization and coaching staff should have been setting up meeting between them and Favre. It should have been the main thing on their minds. McCarthy and Thompson should have been traveling to Kiln, MS, so they could get things rolling. But they didn’t do that. Instead they acted as if nothing was going on until things were beyond fixing. There is something screwy in Green Bay.
If Favre wasn't good enough to play for Green Bay, then he shouldn't be good enough to play for anybody else. If Thompson and McCarthy didn't think Favre was able to lead the Packers, then they shouldn't care where he plays. But for some reason, they did care. If Favre was such a distraction to the team, then why not send him to a rival. Wouldn’t he be a distraction to that team? If he wasn’t a good team mate, again why not send him to a rival so he would be a bad team mate there. But Green Bay wouldn’t do this for some reason mainly cause he is a good team mate and can lead the team. See they say one thing, but their actions say another. There is something screwy in Green Bay.
I don't know if half of the stuff that has been reported is true, but I don't believe that stuff about Favre not being ready to play. McCarthy kept bring that up about his meeting with Brett, that he didn’t feel Favre was mentally ready to play. I think he will be able to play and play well. He is too competitive to not give his all. And I think he would have played for Green Bay if there was anybody in the coaching staff or front office that wanted him there. I think there was a lot of stuff said on both sides that was meant to hurt the other side. But from what I know of Favre, he is nothing but straight forward and honest. Maybe a little too honest at times. From Thompson and McCarthy, I heard a lot of double talk. For the most part, they were trying to sway fans away from Favre instead of trying to find a solution. They kept painting him as a turncoat and trying to make him look dishonest. Maybe I'm wrong but it's what I hear and see from them. To me, Thompson and McCarthy looked sleazy. Sure they were in a tough spot but I think it's a spot they mostly caused by their ineptness. It would have been an easy thing to have ended this before it started but there was no leadership from the management. It's like they were waiting to see if this would just go away without them having to do anything. Instead of thinking about the team, the fans, and the organization; they did nothing. They spent their time postering before the cameras like innocent bystanders instead of being the leaders of the organization. There is something screwy in Green Bay.

So with all the different solutions to Favre-gate, Green Bay came up with the trade with The Jets which is better than most of the other options available (Should Favre just go away? Should Green Bay let him go somewhere in the NFC? Should Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy be fired and Brett continue as QB for Green Bay?) I don’t know what all was said between Brett and The Packers but I think that Favre wants to play football and if Green Bay was the real football town that they claim to be, then Favre should be playing football for them. If there was real football people in the Green Bay organization, it should have been a great day when Brett Favre decided to un-retire. But the screwy people in charge of the organization made it a sad day for everybody concerned. There is something screwy in Green Bay and it’s the people in charge……….Wow there are some great QBs playing in NY now.

Wild TIgers I Have Known

2010-01-21T23:30:00.001-06:00

This is from Jan 08.

I saw this movie on some movie channel awhile back, I think it was IFC. It was a real bizarre movie. I think it was made by a crazy person. The movie wasn't that good and it was poorly made with too much dumb crap thrown in to fill in for the lack of substance. But the kid playing the main role was awesome. It was the only reason I watched the whole movie. It was like watching this kid from a hidden camera. His expressions, the way he talked, and everything else was so well done: especially since it was not an easy role to play. He played a gay 13 year old outcast who is in love with a popular guy at school who isn't gay. He starts dressing like a girl and calling this guy on the phone as a girl. He ends up setting up a meeting with the popular guy to have sex only the other guy thought it was going to be with a girl. Like I said it was a hard role to play. But this kid did well. The movie sucked but his acting was worth putting up with the movie. I know that probably only the Punk would enjoy this movie cause he is a movie buff, but I hope some of my other readers would give this film a chance.

FRI END SHIP

2010-01-21T22:15:00.002-06:00

This is one of his last drafts. It was from August 09. If anybody thinks I shouldn't publish these, please tell me. He was having a real hard time with alot of stuff and he was going on trips that made him so tired that I think he just forgot to post alot of things he meant to publish. I think he would have wanted them seen by his friends so I'm going to keep posting them unless somebody thinks I shouldn't.

I've been thinking about this for along time. It's something I really want to understand better so I can be a better friend. Heck, it's something I need to understand so I will have a friend.

It's tough to trust someone not in your immediate family, or it is for me. I usually do it in stages and very slowly. I don't just jump into situations easily where I have to trust. So it's kinda like dating I guess. There's stages you have to go thru: Friends, Good Friends, and Best Friends. Best friends being the person that is the most trustworthy and responsible. The person you count on in tough situations. The person that you ask important questions of and listen.

It's all about give and take. Good friends always seem to have a certain amount of it, it may not be equal but it's exceptable. I think this is where I go wrong in friendships. Friends need to feel needed and I'm not good at that. It's not that I wouldn't trust a friend to help me. If I'm friends with someone, I really trust them. I guess I have something broken in me because I don't ask for help from anybody (except maybe my family). Maybe it's some long ago and long forgotten betrayal, but I just can't do things like that. Maybe I don't want to burden friends with real personal stuff or maybe I just think I can find my own way without bothering someone else. Or it could be I think I will feel ashamed that I can't figure out things for myself. Who knows? But I think it keeps me from having close friends.

Another thing that bothers me is that it's so hard to get a real best friend because I think it takes years to get there. At the point someone becomes a best friend is the point where that friend knows just about everything about you. The most guarded secret is usually no secret at all to a best friend. But if you don't have the time to have a history, a best friend is hard to find.

All of this has me wondering if I will even have a best friend again. I'm not that great of a person to be around. I'm not someone I would try to be friends with. I'm not big on doing stuff like hanging out with a bunch of other people. I don't like being around people I don't know. I'm out going but in a boring way. I like to be outside, not sitting on the porch and stuff like that. I mean out in the woods hiking, camping, riding 4 wheelers, working ( yeah it's weird ). I don't like riding around places with a bunch of idiots doing nothing, I don't want to get drunk or high, I don't need constant motion and stimulation, I don't need endless chatter about nothing, I don't crave attention (I've never had the urge to strutt around like a horny moron), or any of the other ignorant things that guys my age do (I wouldn't mind sex but that's another blog and another day). I think I need to start hanging with people as weird or weirder than I am (if there is anybody weirder than I am). Maybe it takes a weird person to be around me for more than a few minutes.
I have friends online (a few that I do tell almost everything to). But maybe it's easier to do that with somebody that I don't see eye to eye. I trust these trusted few more than anybody for some stuff that I can not talk about with my family. I think if we were neighbors we would be best friends but who knows. I'm such a hard person to be around sometimes. Somedays it's hard to figure out things without somebody to talk to. And since 360 is no more, it's really hard. I miss my friends. I miss my life. My cousins are living with us now and maybe things will change. I hope Jake can be that someone that can I can really talk to but he's so close to his brother than I don't know if I can really trust him. Only time will tell but somedays, it doesn't seem like I have alot of time left and things just seem to build up to the point where I think I'm losing my mind. I guess I need to find out some things about Jake. Man I miss 360. Yahoo can kiss my ass for the way things went. Bastards......

Strong/Weak

2010-01-21T21:45:00.001-06:00

I've been going thru Kieran's drafts for any that he finished but didn't publish. This is one that I have found so far. He has so many drafts to go thru and most were unfinished.

I'm not one of those people that expect a guy to act one way and a girl to act another way. I do fight that ignorant thinking. It's limiting and it makes people play parts that don't necessarily accomplish anything. Playing a part in life is never helpful but we all do it. We act weak, strong, smart, dumb, to fill the need at that moment.

I don't like to be seen as weak. But I don't think I would like to be seen as some kind of hero either. I don't know how I really am beyond the few experiences I have had. I think how I would do something in certain situations, and I hope I would do the "right" thing. But I know that until I'm in those situations, I don't know for sure. In a dangerous situation, will my brain shut down or will I stay in control: I don't know. If I need to react in a split second, will I have the mental capacity and ability to react quickly: I don't know. In a situation where I need to control my emotions, can I do that to help others thru that situation: I hope so. But I don't know until or unless I am in that situation.

When I got to my Aunt's house after Kat, I saw what was going on in New Orleans. It was all over the news. It was just about all the news. But I saw something that was easy to blow off as typical, even for me. I could have looked at the news conferences as typically shameless postering by city, state, and national officials. While all of the flooding was going on, our leaders were standing around pointing fingers at each other. I remember the Mayor of New Orleans using the race card, like a beacon of injustice pointed straight at everybody in earshot. Typically he didn't use the stupidity card and point it at his self, because he was the problem before anybody outside of New Orleans. He waited till after the storm to help anyone (actually he waited till after the storm to get somebody else to help). A person in his position should be better at organition, delegating authority, and fixing problems. But he completely lost his head and didn't do anything but point his finger at everybody else. He was a great help.

Then you had the Governer of Louisanna. I don't care what the situation but when the head of my state goes on TV, I don't want him/her crying. See, I don't need a politicial hack useing crocodile tears to get sympathy for something that she was partly to blame for allowing to happen. Her inablilty to function was horrible. Instead of trying to help the people of her state, she held news conferences. Instead of mobilizing the people in her state and the states around her, she held news conferences so she could point her finger and blame everybody else for everything. At the time the state needed a strong leader, there wasn't one. She was busy being a politician. Then she got into an arguement with the mayor of New Orleans about who did the least. It was so sad to see that crap.

There is no need to go into the national part of it. That has been written about by everybody for forever. As bad as the national government was and for all of the less than capable leadership, it first falls on local, city, and state officials to be leaders in a crisis, not becoming part of that crisis. It was horrible seeing all of that stupidity going on. In Mississippi, we didn't have it much better, but at least our leaders were on hand trying to be leaders (for what it was worth). But the leadership of Mississippi didn't become part of the crisis. They didn't make it worse. I'm not knocking them as people. It's not like I think I could have done better. I'm knocking them as responsible leaders. I'm calling them pathetic losers who let the people that elected them down in a very public way.

I think that's what is the biggest problem today. We elect people that are good at pointing out things but don't have a clue how to fix anything. They are just clueless.........

Leave a message

2010-01-12T22:36:00.000-06:00

I'm gonna leave this blog space open for messages for any reason, even if it's just to say hey. Just write your comment into the comment section of this blog. If you are not on blogger or do not have an open id, please sign your name at the end of the comment. I'm also trying to find friends of Kieran's from Yahoo 360. If you are a friend of Kieran's from 360 please leave a link or an email address so I can message with you (or if you do not want to make your email address public, you can email me at skidmard@gmail.com ). I have some message from Kieran to some of his friends and it's a very personal thing for me to deliver those messages. If you know someone who may have been his friend, please contact them and leave a link to this page. Please help me if you can.
Thank you so much,
Jake (Kieran's cousin)

What's Been Going On With Me

2010-01-05T21:10:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody. So it's been along time between post. I've been real busy and just haven't been able to get online. I had a relapse and kinda went thru alot of stuff. My treatments after the relapse didn't go the way everybody was hopeing and now I waiting for a BMT. The only problem with that is that my sister is pregs again and my brother has something wrong with his liver. And so far there has been no donor matches. Oh well.
I stopped the treatments for now since they are doing nothing for me except make me sick. We went to my uncle and aunts house in Idaho for a couple of weeks. My sister, brother, nephew, brother-in-law, aunt, uncle, and cousins were here for the last part over Thanksgiving. I got to ski alittle. It wasn't a huge mountain run or anything, but it was awesome. I couldn't do it but a couple of times cause it made me tired quick. But man I like snow. We went to this hot spring and I got into the pool for awhile. It was weird with snow on the ground and I was siting in a pool. But it was great. It was just a great time.
I got an early Christmas present, something that was completely mind blowing. I didn't have a clue and wouldn't have ever dreamed of it. My dad, mom, Jake and me went to London and then got on a train to Manchester. My Doc has a friend that lives in Manchester and he met us when we got there and to kinda check on me while I was there. When we got there, I thought we were going to a hospital to get another doc to see if they had different treatments. We went to the doc (who is American and working for a year in Mancherster) and got checked out and then went to our hotel room. The next morning, the doc came to our rooms to pick us up in this super cool Mercedes sedan. Wow. We went to this like interstate and he let me drive. Man I want 1 or 2 those. Driving that thing has got to be better than sex. I think I had a boner the whole time I was driving and I wasn't embarrassed at all. I drove for about 30 miles to this closed road course. It's like a testing ground and is like a big race track. He let me drive real fast. I got it over 193 kph (120 mph). It felt like 1000 mph. After that, we went to his house for lunch. We all got to rest and just sat around the talk. He has a super nice place. Completey British. It had a library, garden, a game room, sitting room, etc. I got to take a nap and then shower. When I went into this bedroom to dress, there was some packages on this bench thing at the end of the bed for me. The note on then said that these were the clothes I should wear for the rest of the day. So I opened them and they were super nice clothes like things you would never wear in Mississippi. Dress slacks, dress shirt, tie, dress socks and shoes. I put them on and then a pullover Manchester United sweater that was like probably the most British thing except for a dress coat that I could ever thought of. Then there was a Manchester United scarf and an over coat that had this thin lining in it that made it real warm. I was like WOW. I think I even had a British accent by then. So I dressed and went down to where everybody was. My dad and Jake were dressed similar. Mom was dressed up in new stuff and looked great. Doc asked me if I was ready to go sightseeing and I said ofcourse. He asked where I wanted to go and I said that I want to go to see Barnsley (because that is were one side of my Mom's family came from), Old Trafford (ofcourse), and the Mersey. So we took off for a day of adventure. I got to see alot of stuff over the next couple of days but that day we went to Old Trafford (The Theater Of Dreams). When we got there, there were a huge amount of people everywhere. The doc parked the car and we got out. Then he pulled an envolope out of his pocket and which had tickets to that days Carling cup match with Blackburn. I could have died right then and been the happiest person on the planet. Tevez scored 4 and Nani had 1 in a win. Man what a day, what an amazing place and what a great family. After the match, on the way back to the hotel, I lost it big time. I really don't think they knew what everything they have done for me has meant to me and especially this. I rested the next day, didn't even leave the room. Then the next day we went to Barnsley, and a few other places. We left the next day for Ireland. We went to Belfast (didnt like it), Limrick (loved it), Galway (want to live there for ever), and Cork (Awesome place). And wow, WOW. I could have died in Ireland and everything would have been prefect. And I could have stayed a hundred years and still not see everything I would have wanted to see. The most beautiful place on earth. Ireland is heaven. The people are the best. But it had to end. I hated to leave but it was time. I was getting tired so easy and the food didnt sit good with me at all. Even though, fish and chips are very good. But those meat pies and things are not for me though. So I came back home. So that is what I have been up to.
Well got to go.
TTYL
Kieran

My name is Jake and I'm a cousin of Kierans. This is not as easy as I thought it would it would be but he passed away in January. He wrote a letter and gave it to his mom to give to me. She didn't give it to me until Monday and it's taken me this long to do it. I couldnt find his yahoo page but this one is still here. He wanted this posted on his Yahoo profile and on here. So I guess this will have to do. There were a few messages he wanted to pass along to some of his friends but I don't know how to get into touch with them. So I'm gonna list them here and hope that you will leave a comment on here with a way I can pass along his messages.
Bri
Bry (Punk)
Sun Dog
Larry
Pierre
Derek
Stuart
Mark
Myra
Clumsy Ninja (K)
Luka
Please leave an email address.
If you are not part of blogger, please sign the bottom of your comment with a name that I can recognize. Thank you so much for helping me.
Jake

The St. Louis Cardinals, yep it's that time again.

2008-02-18T13:01:00.003-06:00

I'm not the cheery, glass half full kinda guy. Most of the time, in situations where most people see a glass half full or half empty, I just see another dirty glass. I do want to see things half full though. I like the optimism. But even more than that, I like to make fun of the negative point of view: even mine. Because at the end of the day, having a negative outlook is depressing and ugly. Always looking at the worst aspect of something will always leave the impression of something bad.

I enjoy sports but I love Ole Miss, baseball, and soccer. My love for these sports (mainly St. Louis Cardinals, Ole Miss everything, and Manchester United) is not something that I depend on to make my life meaningful or complete. It's more like "it is what it is". It's not something that can be explained easily or completely. I'm obsessed, very loyal, and stubborn. But only to a point. I don't care about management, governing bodies, owners, or anything else that goes with the normal sporting view of things. Those are meaningless things to me. That point of those things is business and it's not part of my life unless I let it. I don't have to have a championship every season. I don't have to have a win for my happiness or my enjoyment of my teams, but it's always a plus. LOL. I'm more than a win only fan. I'm loyal remember.

All winter I have been keeping up with a few of the Cardinal sights that I like and a few I can't stand (Cards Talk). I like reading fan blogs and keeping up with what other people think. I have never been one of those people that goes with the flow. Heck, I will sometimes change sides just to be a pain in the ass. I have been known to argue a point that I hate just because I felt it didn't have enough support. LOL. But that's not the case this time. This time, this is how I feel. The world will end March 31 of this year. It's all over. Bring on the angels, the burning in hell thing, and all of that eternal life stuff. Just kidding. But it's how things seem from what I read on alot of Cardinal sites. The gloom and doom. The overly pessimestic outlook on everything Cardinals. The "why me" complex. The "they owe me"crap. It's all way toooooooooooo freaking much whinning about a season that doesn't start for over a month. For the most part, it seems, for most people this season will be a postive season only if we lose a 100 games. It's like they have gotten so negative, that they will be happy to be right. Everything is a slap in the face. There is no judgement but theirs. They are the only people that have the ability to judge talent. They will look to places that have been wrong in the past in predictions about the Cards (and usually don't want to acknowledge anybody outside of the east coast), to show how right they are about this team. ESPN is saying this team is horrible. I was reading on this blog where they used this as an example of the state of the Cardinal Nation. ESPN has it's viewing audience and the people that make ESPN popular, and it's not any team from west of the Mississippi River. But it's sad to see things like this. This is just a game. Don't make it into more because then it will be a business, and I don't want my part of this to be a business. I want the game. Nothing more. The game is all I need or want.

The grass isn't greener over there. The grass is always the greenest in Cardinal Red. The Cardinals are always going to be the best. I don't look at another team and have wet dreams over their players. When a player is a Cardinal, he's like a part of my family (as long as he doesn't abuse my trust). The team doesn't owe me anything. I have gotten more from my teams that I will ever be able to repay. So I don't understand alot of the stuff I read. Alot of Cardinal fans feel they are owed. The Cosmos owes them. Everything owes them. I own them. Well they need to just get in line, cause it seems that everybody today feels like they are owed everything. I just don't feel that way.
I don't feel betrayed by the ownership cause I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THEM. They are not the Cardinals, they just have control over the money. That's such a small thing in my view. But for some people, it's all that matters. They live for the token word from ownership. It's more important that any game. It's more important that any player. It's the WORD. They then spend hours, days, weeks, months comming up with something to show the horrorfying ownership's lack of baseball etiquette. They live for the moment they can show that the owners are businessmen. Their daily motivation is to show us just how un-Cardinal the owners are (as if I gave a shit). It's beyond me but I guess that's life. I probably won't understand everything in life completely, even if I wanted to. But at the end of the day, I know that I am loyal, true, and will always support my teams: GOOD OR BAD.

It's Alive, oh no..........

2008-02-11T21:45:00.000-06:00

Yep, I'm still above ground. LOL.

I guess I just needed a break, get my head right (that sounds like something my Dad would say). Actually it kinda sounded like something from a movie where these stoners were talking about getting high. LOL. But it's true I guess. I got real depressed and just felt crappy all the time. Everything was so depressing and hard to deal with. I just kinda checked out for a little while. No big thing. LIFE, IT'S SOMETHING THAT IS FREE, BUT IF YOU TRY TO END IT, THEY LOCK YOUR BUTT UP. I'm not cheerful or anything now, but I'm better than I was. Maybe I should call Brian McNamee for a shot of some feel good stuff. Knowing my luck, I would get sicker or get busted. Then I would probably have to testify before Congress. And all of that. LOL.
Last week was kinda exciting around my part of the world. The Mall that we have to go by on our way out of Memphis (when or if I get to go home), was hit by a tornado. It was a pretty cool storm around here. I know that there was alot of people killed because of tornadoes that day, but it was still cool. It was pretty intense at home from what my Mom said. There was alot of tornadoes that hit south of my house. They kinda went over but didn't hit where I live. But all I know is that when the storms hit at the apartment, the wind was howling like crazy. And I know crazy howling wind. LOL.
Man it felt like spring the last couple of days. It feels like baseball. I can't wait till the games begin. My favorite time of the year. I wish I could play but that's life. I just hope I can catch a few Memphis Redbirds games while I'm stuck here. And now that my buddy Zek has a drivers license, he can drive me around. That will be a plus. He can drive my Dad's truck and we can get out and do stuff. Maybe.

FORE

2008-01-07T00:59:00.000-06:00

I want somebody that I can talk to about stuff. Somebody who is or has gone thru this. The information I get from the Docs and reading up on it on the internet isn't helping that much. I want to get first hand info from someone who doesn't mind talking about it with me. But again I don't want to go thru the hospital for that. I've thought about trying to find someone on here to discuss it with them. I want to know what the next steps are if this cycle doesn't work. I want to know the effects it will have on me. There are so many questions I want answered. I"m starting to get scared.

Year in Review

2008-01-04T15:12:00.000-06:00

OK, my 2007. It sucked. 07 started with nose bleeds, headaches, alot of aches and pains, sleeping alot, bruises, throwing up, etc. And the year ended with pretty much the same crap. Wow, it's been a great year. And 2008 isn't starting out that great. I fell out of my Dad's truck and bounced off of the car in the next parking space the other day (I wonder if insurance covers that cause I left a dent in the door of the other car). I opened the door and I just couldn't stop (it must have been my big head). Then yesterday I tripped over a painted line on the floor at the grocery store and did a head first slide on the floor (but I was SAFE, there was no tag). And just about everytime I walk for more than a few minute, I get sick at my stomach. Man am I pitiful or what? And I thought I was done with the dizziness. Typical. Just when things seem to be getting better, it doesn't last long. I'm really really tired of everything. Somedays I just want to quit. But I can't say that to my parents or to anybody around me. I've tried to talk to my parents about it but I don't think they want to hear it. I wouldn't mind telling them that I'm frustrated, tired, and tired of being sick all the time. It's not that I am going to quit or I would quit if I could, it's just I wouldn't mind talking to them about it like an adult. It's like I have a role to play: their baby boy. I guess I kinda just faded out in the information and decision part of all of this. I allowed them (my Mom mainly) to make all decisions without my input for too long. Now it's like I can't discuss any of it with them. I think they feel better with me just whining, bitching, and moaning like a brat.
This really sucks. I still think it would be better if the docs would put me in a coma while I'm taking treatments. Sleep thru it. LOL. Oh to dream it away. Maybe I would wake up with some mental ability other than being a dumbass. LOL. Nah, I'm not that lucky. I'd wake up being more of a dumbass.

Now for the muscial part of the program.
Someone finally made a video of Whale and Wasp. This song is too good, one of my favorites. I like to lay in bed and listen to it on repeat. But I like to do that with the whole CD.

Alice in Chains - Whale and Wasp

The Special One

2008-01-02T16:45:00.000-06:00

If you don't know who Jose Mourinho is or keep up with English soccer, you may not find this too funny. But these are well done and are way to close to real life. Hope ya'll enjoy...

The Whitest Kids U'Know

2008-01-01T22:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I got to watching these guys on IFC. I've seen these guys before on FUSE but never really payed attention. Not all of their stuff is that funny, just dumb in a real dumb way but they have some real funny stuff. And they are not politically correct in anyway. Hope ya'll enjoy.

New Year

2008-01-01T22:15:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my parents make me laugh. My Mom didn't throw a fit about not having Christmas at home. I know she wanted me to be home but it was ok. But to start the new year, I had to be at home: something about where you spend the night is where you will spend the next year. So we went home for the night. LOL. Today we had blackeyed peas and cornbread: to bring good luck for the new year. We are way too redneck sometimes.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T23:37:00.000-06:00

Well I got a bunch of clothes and a new pair of Cons. But the one present I didn't want I got. I have to wear glasses since my last eye exam. My Mom wrapped them up like a present and gave them to me today. WOW did I ever pick the wrong frames (John Lennon frames). When I got my boggin and my glasses on, I look like a nerdy dick wearing a dark blue condom.

There's no way I'll ever get layed now.

No Turkey Please..................

2007-12-24T15:04:00.000-06:00

I know things could be worse but that's no help. It seems there is always something worse. But I hate things the way they are now. My parents seem so tired. And sad. And worried. I knew I had that effect on everybody else but it's bad when I have that effect on my family. What a wonderful talent. LOL.
Well our Christmas dinner isn't gonna happen this year for a bunch of reasons.

I've been tired and sick, so it would have been a real pain to go home. Plus I probably wouldn't have been much fun when I got there.
My Uncle is in the hospital so that part of the family wouldn't have been there.
My sister, brother-in-law, and Shea went down to the coast to see his family (they got back today). My sister got the flu and Shea has a cold, so I couldn't be around them.
My brother has viral stupidity and I really don't want to catch that. I wish there was some way I could protect Shea from it but what can I do.
I don't think I could take the smell of turkey or ham being cooked anyway. I walked outside earlier and I could smell a neighbors turkey. They were having a Christmas dinner at their apartment and it was horrible smelling. It just about gagged me.

So it's just Mom, Dad, and me. I'm trying to get Mom and Dad to go home so they can be with my sister and Shea. It's Shea's first Christmas and it's also real important to my sister to have them around tomorrow. I hope they go in the morning so they can atleast do that. I feel bad enough as it is. Everything is messed up because of me and I don't like it. It sucks.

Boy can I suck the fun out of a holiday. Oh well................

PISS ON IT. LOL

A little confession: I miss 360. Things just don't seem the same. I go check my page but it's just not the same anymore (matter of fact, it's kinda depressing). I guess the moment I found out Yahoo was gonna shut 360 down, it lost the comfortable feel it had. My page was a safe place, a friendly place, and it was my place. It was as much home as my home. It's where my friends knew they could get in touch with me. It was a place that people could see who I was because my page came from me. It was part of me. I've looked at other sites but none come close to what 360 was. I think my brainfart page is getting there. I'm liking it more and more everyday. It's hard to show individuality on blogger but it can be done with a little work and time.I always take my time doing most stuff like this anyway. So it's a work in progress.....

"I'm not a smart man"

2007-12-22T16:41:00.000-06:00

It's funny how that line stuck with me because I truly hated the movie. But maybe I tried to read too much into it especially since I got to be old enough to understand things a little better. But it always makes me think of the dumb stuff I do and the stuff that happens to me. So I decided to share some of the completely ignorant, dumb, redneck(pick an adjective) things I have had the pleasure of being involved with.

Brain Dead Moment - I had to read a story that I wrote during class, in front of the class ( the story was about going to St.Louis to the Cardinals game). I thought I was so smart, so sophisticated: A true artist. Anyway I strutted up front and started the story. Then I got to this line. I don't remember it exactly but it was something like "I wanted to meet a pacific ballplayer". Half the class laughed. The other half, didn't even catch it and I was one of the one's that didn't catch it. The teacher made a point of bringing it up after I finished. Pacific/specific, what's the difference.

Not As Clever As I Thought - I thought I was so smart with my first messenger Id. I really wanted something that identified me as an Ole Miss fan. So I tried a lot of different names. I tried for hours. I would have had to used something like olemissfan10902342342409820498120934: not very unique. I wanted something that was just mine. So I finally got the ideal to combine Ole Miss and the Cardinals. The chant for Ole Miss is Hotty Totty (Hotty totty gosh almight, who the hell are we, etc) and I'm a cardinals fan. So I did hottytottyredbird. Man what a mistake. Everybody thought I was some party girl out for a good time. It was VERY painful and not that great of a boost to my self-esteem. I didn't use that id after a few days. Matter of fact, I really didn't use messenger till after Kat about a year later. LOL. Gun shy.

Busted For Something I Wasn't Doing - When I got to my Uncle and Aunts house after Kat, the first few nights I slept in the den. The pc I have now was my Uncles then and it was in the den. So I used his id to get on line. My cousin had a cam hooked to the pc. Anyway, I woke up that first morning and the first thing I did was get online. I didn't even get dressed. I was chatting with someone my age. He lives in Florence, Alabama which isn't far away. Then I noticed the cam. So I turned it on and put my sorry face on line. About that time my Uncle came in. He saw the cam was on and all I had on was my briefs. Of course he thought I was showing the world what I look like in my briefs or worse showing what I look like without my briefs. He got mad and took the cam. He sent it to his son who was away at college at Vandy. The thing is is that I couldn't even say I wasn't doing that because I was on line dressed like that. But all anyone could see was my face. But that didn't make any difference. He said, "We don't allow that kinda of behaviour around here". He treated me like some pervert from that point on. Or Prevert as I call it. LOL

Wrong Place, Wrong Time - I had to go to the orthopedic clinic when I was like 6. I had to wear a cast on my arm because I broke it kinda. But anyway before we went to the clinic, we stopped at McDonalds for burgers, fries, and drinks. We ate on the way over to the clinic. Me and my Mom went in while my Dad stayed in the car with my sister and brother. Anyway I got my cast off and was happy. So when we got back to the car, we all got in. I picked up my drink and I think I swallowed about half a cup of my brothers pee. While I was in the clinic, my brother had to pee. So my Dad said to pee in an empty cup. Mine wasn't empty and his was empty, but he peed in mine, Go Figure...I was sick for the rest of the day but I got my dang cast off.

The Things Kids Say - Sometimes after school I had to stay with this lady till my parents came to get me. Anyway I asked her who could I have sex with. She said "anybody that you like". I said "I like you, can I have sex with you?" I think I was 7-8 years old. My Mom told me later, not to be saying stuff like that. But now my Mom loves to share that little story with anybody that gets in ear shot. I was such a dumb kid.

Questions You Don't Want To Answer but Especially Not In Front Of Other People - The other day I was getting a check up and some meds cause I've been really tired, sick, and hurting (It kinda goes in cycles like that). But Brother Frank was with me. It was ok cause I wasn't expecting anything embarrassing (my bad for thinking that). But the doc was asking me all of these questions: Do your teeth hurt, Have you noticed blood on toothbrush, Any blood in your mouth, Do you have painful urination, Noticed blood in urine, Have you had rashes, headaches, joint pain, blah blah blah. He asked a million questions. Anyway he asked me if I had any pain during or after masturbation (not the exact wording): swelling of my testicles, any abdominal pain, any testicular pain, any problems at all.........I mumbled, no (I should have said, "I've noticed my penis will swell up sometimes especially when I'm looking at Internet porn or when it's rubbed. And it's swollen and painful in the mornings especially when I wake up and I have to pee real bad"). Man what is up with those questions? I understand that he probably thought Brother Frank was family. But what made him think I would want to talk about masturbation or anything to do with my penis in front of anybody, including family. Brother Frank said something about going to check on some other kids and said where he would be when I got done (did I ever say that I thought he's a pretty cool dude). After he left, I could answer the doc's questions a little easier (if telling a stranger stuff like that is ever easy). Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Now, it's kinda funny but it wasn't at that moment. LOL.
Hey that could be a new reality show, asking people very very private and embarrassing questions on live Tv. If there's enough prize money involved, sign me up.......Hell, I've been asked just about everything embarrassing you can think of over the last year.

Life Is Grand

2007-12-19T10:00:00.000-06:00

Here is how things have been going for the last few months.
My blood count is high, my cancer rate is high (I feel pretty good).
My cancer rate is low, my blood count is low (I feel like crap).
Then I have to take some real crappy meds to build my blood count: shots, some iv's and other things.
Then I take the stuff to kill the cancer cells.
Then meds to help me take the stuff that kills the cancer cells.
Then tests upon tests upon test, to see if there is a new test that can be performed on me.
All the time, everyone is smiling at me telling me "You look better today" or asking me "How do you feel today" (Believe me those lame smiles don't help at all).
But on the good side, I get to lay around the rest of the time, doing nothing and feeling like doing nothing (like there is anybody to do anything with around here anyway).
Well, I got to go to the hospital. Fun Fun Fun.......
Isn't life grand? I wish I had 2 more lives just like this one.
Sorry, I'm feeling down today and having a little pity party.

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

2007-12-18T09:05:00.000-06:00

I heard this and it's just unusual enough that I like it.

Chemical Evolution

2007-12-13T00:02:00.000-06:00

How does a shitty day start? Just like any other day. SHITTYLY. LOL.
I got up and there wasn't anything in the fridge that I wanted to eat. NOTHING. So I decided to go down the street to this strip mall and get something to eat. It's a long walk for me but I was hungry and bored. So I put on a pair of dark gray sweats, a tee-shirt, a pull-over with a hoddy, socks and my old shoes. I also put on sun glasses and also my boggin to cover my bald head.
So I started out walking. I got to about halfway and had to sit down to rest. So when I got to the stores, I had to walk thru the parking lot. I got about 60 feet from the door and had to sit down again. There was a older truck there and I just sit down on the bumper. When I got back up there was a cop parked in front of the truck. So I started toward the stores and I noticed that I had to go down to the other end to get to the store I wanted. So I turned in that direction and started walking between the cars. I got to the store I was going to and went in. I got something to eat and a drink. After I finished, I started back home and about halfway thru the parking lot, that cop pulled up and told me to come over in a real loud smart ass voice. He was a smart ass most of the time he was talking to me. He asked me what I was doing? I told him I went to get something to eat. He asked to see some ID. So I showed him my Mississippi DL. He said that I'm along way from home. I said not really. I live just up the street. I asked him why is he questioning me.
He said "Your dressed like your a meth head. You keep walking between the cars looking at them like your going to steal something. You look like your coming down off something or your about dead. By the way, if you don't stop using, it's gonna kill you real soon. And you walked here with it drizzling rain".
I said"you've got me there". "That's exactly what's going on". "So, can I go now, Mien Furor".
So I got a ride with Mr. Cop to my apartment. He wanted to see where I lived and to call someone who would verify that I'm supposed to be there. So I went into the apartment for the phone number and he followed me in. He looked around trying to see something..... I gave phone number to the him and he called my Dad. He talked for just a little bit and then he listened for a little bit. He was a little surprised, ashamed and I think angry with the way my Dad talked to him and the way he act with me. He did some apologising to Dad over the phone and to me. Especially when I took off my pullover and boggin. He could see how skinny and bald I was. I felt so bad about how I caused him to be embarrassed. NOT....
But isn't it cool. I look like I use Meth. I have evolved into something.
What's the deal with cops and us. My family don't seem to do good around them. We must look like some kind of bad people, or we look like easy targets. I ain't made up my mind on that but we never back down. If they get smart with us, we get worse with them. And I'm the worst. They can all kiss my ass. LOL
I'm evil and should be destroyed.

Gloomyday

2007-12-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

I don't like it here. It's not like I thought it would be. When I was little, I always thought it would be great to know things, to be able to do things, to have responsibility, to have some control, to understand............ But the older I get the less I know, the less I can do, the less control I have, the less real understanding I have, but I feel responsible for everything. This life sucks.
I've been thinking about Christmas the last few weeks. I used to love Christmas, when I was little. It was such a great time of the year. But the last few years, it's been not that great. Everything is so forced. Everything is so hectic. My parents are trying to get things perfect when there is no such thing. They're spending way too much money and way to much time on this. I'm ready for it to be over. This time of the year is becoming the NON-HOLIDAY. I'd rather just spend time with the family than have such a gloomy dark cloud over everything and everyone. Maybe have everybody spend the day together, just being together. It's the first Christmas with Shea and my brother-in-law, and it would be great just to be a family in one place for that day.
I decided that I don't want anything this year. I know that there will be a few token presents (clothes), but that's suppose to be it. I asked my parents to spend their money buying presents for the little kids in the hospital. And I don't know why but I feel better about things. I don't feel good that my parents decided to spend the money they had set aside for their presents to each other for this too. Well I do feel good about it but I wouldn't have felt bad if they had bought presents for each other. They deserve some presents for having to put up with me.
Maybe it is better to give than to receive. But maybe only for people who don't really want something. I wouldn't have minded a new PC and they were going to get it for me. But as long as this one last, I'm fine. I really don't want anything. Anyway, I think little kids, especially sick little kids, need presents at this time of year.

Coming Clean

2007-12-07T22:02:00.000-06:00

Ok. I'm gonna come clean.
It's hard to admit when I'm wrong, expecially when it has to do with something that I care about as much as the St. Louis Cardinals. It's hard to except that someone I feel is such a good person, who I looked up to, is just human. It's real hard to let go of that feeling of being part of something truely great. Because I think he still has that in him. I'm talking about Rick Ankiel.
The part that bothers me is that I started making excuses for him. He was young. He was at the point that he didn't care and would try just about anything to get back his health. He has gone through so much in such a short few years that he lost his mind. He made a bad decision. It wasn't illegal. It wasn't illegal for him to use. Baseball didn't have anything against the use of HGH at that time. But Rick knew it was something that would be looked bad on him for doing.
Every since the news came out about it, I've going over the stuff in my head. What would I do in that same situation? Would the risk be worth the reward? Would I be willing to except the stigma that goes with it? I just don't know........

?Who?What?When?Where?Why?

2007-12-07T19:32:00.000-06:00

Who are the dumbasses who come up with this crap? Who followed those kangaroos around to sample their farts? Man is that a shitty job or what?

I wonder if this could work on humans? If they need to study humans, they can just follow me around for a few days. I'll give them something to study! And plenty to sample.........

I wonder what the families of the people doing this study say they are doing?

What does your son do?

He collects Kangaroo farts.

Conversation Piece

2007-11-30T20:27:00.000-06:00

What could be going on in his head? A Presidential Brainfart!

What the hell? Why would anyone want this in their bathroom? People do the stupidest things.

RANDOM-NESS

2007-11-28T10:31:00.000-06:00

I'm kinda brain disabled right now. I have all these things banging around in my head and I just can't do anything with them. I can't make them into anything resembling a blog so I'm kinda going with the old stand by. Just put stuff down that pops into my head. Just randon crap. Part of this is from an old random blog cause that's what gave me the idea. So sorry up front for the major brain farts erupting from this blog entry: It's gonna be a stinker!

I sleep with a plastic guard in my mouth cause I grind my teeth while I sleep.
If I am at home, I'm always bare foot. Even outside in the yard, unless it's real cold, I am bare footed.
Sometimes I think I'm sleeping my life away.
I wish I was left handed.
I've farted and had to leave the room cause it was so bad, ( I think something crawled up my butt and died ).
When I was in elementary school, I had a teacher that wanted put to put me into a special class cause I didn't talk enough. Which now I see as funny cause for the most part, teachers don't want anybody talking.
I once fell asleep on the roof of my house hiding from my brother.
When I was little, my brother tricked me into going into the backyard naked and he locked me out of the house. He let me back in when I went into the front yard and started yelling.
One time when I was around 6 years old, we went to a place in south Alabama that had bee hives. I was being a kid and running around having fun. I ran by a hive and a bee flew into my fly, which was always down. Anyway I lost my shorts real quick. I always check my fly when I see a bee now.
I took a Viagra a couple years ago. I found out, the hard way, it was a bad idea.
I once peed on an electric fence. It really was an eye opening experience.
I think it's easier to feel bad than to feel good.
I can sit on a hill overlooking a busy highway and watch traffic for hours.
My worst nightmare is to be at school with diarrhea and have a sneezing fit.
When I'm at school, I don't eat lunch.
I think people that correct other people's grammar, need a good a$$ kicking.
I think that everyone in the US should be fluent in the redneck.
The absolute funniest thing I've ever seen happened a couple years ago I walked into the bathroom at school. There was a kid peeing at the trough. He sneezed and suddenly there was a stream of pee that shot up the wall over the trough. The high water mark had to have been around 6 ft. IMPRESSIVE.
I think antebellum homes are the greatest. I love the old ones that you can change the actual room sizes because the interior walls move.
I love homes with dogtrots in them.
I love the way curved brick walkways look.
I think tile roofs look awesome.
I like the look of red cedar siding with a red metal roof. The red tinge to the light colored wood really looks good with the dark color of the roof.
My Dad told me I sleep with my right hand in my underwear. I wash my hands when I wake up, sometimes.
When I wash my hair, I face away from the shower head. I lean back so the water just reaches my hair. I hate getting shampoo in my eyes or on my face.
I've ran a friend out of my room one time. He was picking his nose while he was sitting on my bed. It just grossed me out and I told him to get out of my room. No telling where he was gonna wipe it. EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU.
I would love to get rid of my bed and get a hammock to sleep in.
I don't like anyone to wear shoes in my room. I actually wish people would take their shoes off at the door before coming into the house but that would be very rude to say that to company.
I want to build a house of my own some day. It will be a single story house with higher ceilings than most houses. It will be a 2 bedroom 2 bath home. The only interior walls will be the bedrooms and baths. the rest of the house will be open. It will have floor to ceiling windows. It will have a porch that goes around the whole house. and it will have a screened-in part. It will have a roof fan to use at nite instead of air-conditioning, only it won't be in the roof but in the gable end of the house. But it will also have central air and heat pump. It will have a basement for storage and stuff like that. I would want to build it so I have a clear view to the South and West for storms.
I think all small towns should have a town square with the main municipal building in the square. It adds character to the towns.
I am very uncomfortable looking people in the eyes. I always feel that I am showing people some defect in my personality. But my Dad taught me to always look people in the eyes. It shows respect and that I am listening to them.
I really hate it when I'm labeled by what underwear I wear. If wearing briefs means I'm a pathatic gay loser who lets his Mom buy his underwear. Ok. So by that measure, if I wore boxers, I would be a bigoted, childish, moronic, poser, with a small package that doesn't need support in that area, and the constant need to check to make sure I still have a package. LOL.
I hated it when my Sister's friends would be over at our house when I was little. They would hug, kiss, and tickle me. They tortured me endlessly. I think the tickling part was them trying to get me to pee my pants. EVIL GIRLS. LOL.
I love to turn on the shower and lay down in the tub till the hot water runs out.
I love Banana and Chocolate Moon Pies.
I once wore different sneakers (one kind on one foot and one from a different pair on the other foot) to school by accident.
I drink Coke most of the time, unless it's fountain drinks, then it's Dr. Pepper. And if I'm eating a meal, I drink Dr. Pepper.
I've gotten in the shower with my underwear on.
If I eat breakfast right after I wake up, I will throw up most of the time. I usually don't eat much till atleast 2 hours after I wake up.
I don't like to use lights at nite unless I am reading. In my room at nite, the only light is from the tv screen or the computer.
I love to get Dr. Pepper in a glass bottle and pour a small pack of salty peanuts into the bottle. Then drink it while eating the peanuts. My parents do that alot. It's good with cokes too.
I want to see the Northern Lights ( Arora Boralis ) more than any other thing.
I think brown is the ugliest color.
I think that the state plant of Mississippi should be the briar.
I want to see the waterfall on the St John River in Canada that reverses with the tide. I think that is so cool.
I want to go swimming in the Marianas Trench.
I want to pee off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Popcorn is a waste of time and energy. It's like trying to fill your stomach with salty air.
Until last year it didn't know what C.O.P. actually meant. I'm really slow sometimes.
If you have a mis-behaving pet monkey and you whip it, do you still call it spanking the monkey?
What do you want to bet that the person who came up with "Johnson" as a slang for penis, was named Johnson?
Do you think the person who came up with "pinching a loaf" worked in a bakery?
Don't call it circumcision, call it ROBBERY!
What rocket scientist decided that there should be a ball-busting bar on boys bikes and no bar on girls bikes?
I like dark colors that are shaded with even darker colors. Like red with a black background.
My favorite music is Rock. My favorites bands always seem to be innovators in the musical world. Pink Floyd being one that comes to mind. I like music that's different from the norm and unique. But I also love Delta Blues and actually all forms of The Blues.
I had rather be kicked in the head than watch reality shows.
ESPN is the worst........
Why are athletic supporters made without a backside in them? All it does it cause the straps to ride up into your crack and then you have to dig them out constantly. It's embarrassing.
I have a Black Lab named Plato.
My dog Plato has 2 pet kittens and when I'm home, they all seem to end up on my bed when I wake up in the morning.
I don't like to drive, just to be driving. When I'm at home,I only drive when I have to go somewhere. If I just want to get away from the house, I like to ride my 4wheeler or walk with Plato.
I lose my mind when I run upon a snake. They cause me to hurt myself trying to get away from them.
I think I had rather be blind than deaf. I would really miss music.
In a few years, when I'm more on my own, I wouldn't mind going thru another hurricane but only in a inland shelter (20-30 miles inland).
Even with all the bad things, Mississippi is one of the best places in the world to live.
I love mountains and mountain forests.
I wish it would get cold and snow here cause I have a heavy winter coat that I can't use.
I don't eat alot of meat. I'm not a vegan or anything, I just like vegs better.
I love to shoot rapids. But I don't know about the big one's out west. I think I had rather just sit on the bank and look that them.
I also like to canoe/kayak on calm water.
Sometimes I like to camp by myself, just a few books, a radio, a tarp/tent, sleeping bag, and a cooler.
My cell phone rang for the first time Sunday. My Mom went into my room at home, got it and the charger, and brought it up here and snuck it into the other bedroom. I was sitting in the living room when I heard that irritating thing ringing. I answered it, talked to her for a minute, then I turned it off and unpluged it. I put it in my suitcase. I hate those things.
I once saw a dead body.
I've smelled more that one though.
For Missisippi, the mecca of Redneckedness is Pickwick Lake I think. The one time I was there it was REDNECK.

I guess that's it. I'm tired and need to go to sleep.

ttyl
KIERAN

Normal/Abnormal

2007-11-25T22:13:00.000-06:00

This is not in anyway a sexual blog, or maybe it is sexual and I don't realize it. But I don't think it is.
I notice that girls go to the bathroom together (it's like a bonding thing). They don't seem to have a problem at all with that. Girls dress and undress in front of each other without the horror of someone seeing them naked. They hang out in the bathroom and locker rooms at school. Guys can't do things like that. Guys have different rules. We have different standards to follow. We need to be ALL BOY but if we are too much boy, there's always someone who wants to put us on some drug to make us less BOY. From an early age, we're taught to be ashamed of our private parts (evil, dirty, nasty parts). I think boys are crippled with self doubt and shame from an early age because of negative social views, where as girls are viewed as innocent, sweet, caring, loving, etc (I know that girls have issues with social views too). So boys see things differently than girls, women, and even grown men because of this. Even something innocent will raise doubts about our bodies, our manhood and sometimes our sexualily. We stumble through life trying to get answers to questions that no one wants to answer and we're afraid to ask because of the risk that someone will make a joke out of it. We grow up trying to live up to standards and we tend to live down to stereotypes, and blindly just trying to survive. It's a messed up world for boys and I don't think most people know how to help. We're pressured to be ALL BOY. We are taught to act in a certain way, do certain things, don't do certain things, have certain feelings, not to have certain feelings, on and on and on.... Alot of the time, we're told to do something by one person, then told to not do that by someone else. We're told so many conflicting things that most of the time, there is no way to do the right thing. It's so confusing. Sadly, the only help we get is usually a weak joke, a sarcastic smile, behavioural drugs, and/or token PC crap mumbled by someone who has no business giving advice to anyone. But we usually make it through but only by comeing up with the answers ourselves.

Anyway........I guess I'm lucky, I've got great parents. But it's tough even with my parents. And there's some things that parents can't help with. There's some stuff I will not ask my parents for help with. But anyway.

I've got a friend here in Memphis, Zek. (Wow. Someone can actually stand to be around me.) He stayed over here all day yesterday, just hanging out. He really likes being on line but he can't use the computer at his house unless one of his parents is there with him. He wants me to help him set up a page somewhere. I'm not gonna set him up with one where I have one but I'm gonna do it somewhere cool. He's 16, homeschooled, and his Dad is a Baptist Preacher. So, it's kinda weird. He has less of a life than I do. LOL.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, we decided we would go to the mall and maybe catch a movie. So I took a shower. When I got into my room to get dressed, Zek was in there on the pc and watching tv. And I don't know why, but I wasn't comfortable dressing in front of him. Just about every good friend I've ever had, has seen me naked at one time or another (and I think we will be good friends). And I'm not usually prone to modesty even in front of strangers (that is other guys, I'm real modest in front of girls). So, I don't know if it's because of how I look right now, because I've had to be naked in front of so many people lately and I'm tired of it, or maybe I'm just getting older: but I wasn't gonna drop my towel. I kept it around my waist until I put my underwear on.

Like I said, I'm not a modest person. Me and my friend Will put on a show for some old dude in a swimming pool dressing room before. We had noticed him stareing at us most of the day (actually I think he was stareing at Will). Then when it was time for us to leave, he followed us into the bathroom/dressing room. We thought that since he was going to all the trouble to see us, we made sure he could see when we changed. It wasn't anything to us. We thought it was funny. But, for the most part, I'm not modest. Most of the time, I don't care.
But Zek being in my room when I got out of the shower got me to thinking about something else. Maybe he wanted to see me naked. Not in a sexual way but just to see (comparing). I've done that and still do sometimes. I'm curious and sometimes I want/need to see what other guys look like just to see if I'm normal, to see if I look the same or similar. It's not like most guys see alot of other guys naked. It's just not something that guys do. We are taught to be private. We dress alone, use the bathroom alone and everything else alone for survival. You don't show and you don't look, or you will be labeled a perv or something. And because of this we go thru life wondering if we are normal because we don't know what normal is.

Ok, there's been a few times I wouldn't do something because I might have to get naked in front of other guys. I didn't go to a camp once cause I was afraid I would get wood in the shower in front of other guys (I heard someone talking about that happening at camp the year before). I was 12 and anything/everything caused me to get wood, and I was afraid it would happen at the worst time. And right now, I'm a little shy about anybody seeing me naked because of being sick. I don't look normal right now, so I don't feel normal. But for the most part, I usually don't care.

But it's weird when I think about it. I've probably seen 10 guys naked in my life. Except for my brother and Dad, most have been close to my age. I don't think I've ever seen anyone naked at any of the schools I went to (I've seen movies where guys are showering in the locker rooms and stuff like that, but I've never seen anyone ever shower at school). I don't think I've ever seen but one guys pecker at school. That time it was a teacher in the bathroom and he made sure I saw it (he really was proud of that little thing). But for the most part, I follow the golden rule, YOU DON'T LOOK. Hell, at school, I'm afraid to look at mine. THIS IS RURAL MISSISSIPPIafter all. LOL.

But I was wondering if I've lived some kind of a sheltered life? I know it's kinda dumb to sit here counting how many guys I've seen naked, but it just seems like a low number. I've been on soccer teams, baseball teams, and basketball teams. I played from 8 year old till 15 year old. It just seems like there should be more instances than what I have.

I know I'm weird.

Thanks Giving

2007-11-23T08:55:00.000-06:00

This Picture Makes Me Smile.

Me and Dad drove home yesterday for Thanksgiving dinner but we had to come back last night. It was a spooky drive. I've never really went a long distance on a holiday before or if I did, I don't remember it. But it seemed so weird. There was nothing open except a few convience stores. Everything looked like ghost towns because the stores had no cars in front of them. It was like something out of an end of the world horror movie. It was spooky but cool. But there was traffic, just not major traffic. That's another reason things seemed so weird. There was all of this traffic, people going all over the place but no businesses were open.
On the way back, alot of the convience stores were closed and there was almost no traffic. It was one of those nights you hope that you don't have car trouble. It was kinda gloomy. There was some clouds but when we were out in the boonies, it was kinda foggy. And it was cold. So I guess most people stayed the night with their families. It was even weirder on the way back because places that are always lit up, were closed and dark. At some places where there were normally alot of outside lights and traffic, it did look like the end of the world because of everything being closed. Some places we went thru were almost completely dark. Just a few street lights and stuff like that. It was an awesome drive back.
But I got to spend some time with the family. Plato is still crazy. He was so torn between being close to me and getting attention from everybody else. And to make it worse, Shea wants to be as close to Plato as possible. But Shea's a baby and he isn't gentle with Plato. But with Plato, any attention is still attention so he was eating it up. And Shea is getting big. Man he barely knows who I am. Kinda makes me sad. But what can you do. To be truthful, I didn't want to come back but it was part of being able to go home in the first place. Treatments and stuff still goes on no matter if it's a holiday or not. Man I miss being at home.
My Dad decided to work today and take off Monday and Tuesday. I think he's gonna take Mom out this weekend. Just their time. I've been feeling ok, so I finally talked them into doing something for them. I need to get them out of my hair for a couple of days. I think they're going up in the mountians of Arkansas to a spa or something like that. My Mom will love it.
So I guess I should tell about going to church to appologise to the preacher. I found out that he is a good person once I decided to trust him. So I decided to go to his church and appologise to him, I was out of line and acted like a crazy person the day I met him. And I was really really hoping to talk to him after church (I didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of people). But when we got there, he was standing at the door, welcoming everybody in. So I went up to him and shook his hand, he was very surprised to see me too. Anyway I told him that what I did was wrong. I told him I was truely sorry for what I said to him and that he did nothing wrong. He said something like it was ok and he understood what I was saying that day. And he asked me to stay after the service and talk for a few minutes. I said ok but it felt like being called to the principle's office. LOL. After sunday school and everything, he started his service. Part of his sermon was about what happened that day he came to the apartment. He preached about doing good deeds in the wrong way; even if it was innocently done, things can cause misunderstandings. Like asking me if I was saved when I'm sick. He didn't single me out or anything, but I knew what he was refering to. So after the service I waited till everybody had cleared out mostly and we talked for a few minutes. He wanted to make sure I didn't get mad about his sermon. He said that it was about our first meeting but he didn't want to embarrasse me. He said that he didn't know I was gonna be at the service that day or he would gave me a warning about his sermon. But it wasn't anything. I wasn't embarrassed.
Then I met his family. They're cool. He's got an awesome wife, almost a stepford wife. LOL. Just not robotic and demented. She's just great. His kids are ok. They teach their kids at church, kinda like home schooled. But there are a few other kids that go there. I guess it's a private church school. I didn't meet his oldest son, he's married and lives somewhere else. His oldest daughter is kinda wild looking but ok, she's like 20. His next daughter is 13 and real athletic. I haven't been around the girls that much, just a few minutes at church. His son Zek is 16 and kinda nerdy. LOL. Like I have the right to say anything like that about anybody. But he's been over a couple of times when his Dad has come over and it's kinda nice to have somebody my age around here. So maybe if I feel like it, we may go and check out a movie, or the mall. If I don't feel like it, we may just hang out over here or at his house. Probably over here. I'm more comfortable around here.

I hope everybody had a great Turkey Day.

Small Victories

2007-11-20T11:38:00.000-06:00

I had a doctor say something about little victories. I didn't really catch on to what he said till I heard these women talking about it at the hospital. And I guess it's a way for some people to get thru tough times. I'm not saying it's a bad way to look at things. It's just not for me.
I want big victories. I want a homerun, not a bunt. I'm tired of small victories. With small victories, it seems there is always small defeats. Every time some doctor says something is going good, there always seems to be something that isn't going good. I'm tired of that crap.

Reflection

2007-11-18T19:19:00.000-06:00

Whiner of the Year

At one time I was a brat, I think. I remember being mean to other people at times. Sometimes it wasn't as much being mean as it was just being dumb. I didn't understand that what I was doing was mean or I didn't want to know.

I remember making fun of a kid that was from a bad home. His family was real poor and didn't have the same stuff my family had. I remember things that I did that were just plain mean. He rode the same bus as I did. He was in the same grade as I was and I remember that one day he wore a pair of sweatpants to school. They were way too big for him. He just looked funny in them. His sweat shirt was a different color and had something like a teddybear on it. Even I knew that it didn't look right and I'm fashion diasbled. But anyway, a few of us started making fun of him and before long it was like everybody on the bus was laughing at him. I still don't know why I did that. I really did feel bad because of it. But I still acted like a brat.

I was at a baseball game when I was in little league. There was a kid on the other team who's mother would constantly tell him "It'll be alright", "You'll get the next one". Stuff like that. She would stand at the gate, next to the dugout and hug him just about every time he got near her. Maybe I was jealous or something, but I said something about it to the others in our dugout. I don't know if the woman or the kid ever new I was making fun of them. But when I did it I knew it felt wrong.
These are just a couple of things that I remember. Maybe I remember them the best because of the Old Saying,"what comes around, goes around".

I remember the kid in the sweat pants looked so skinny and his sweats were like balloons. Well that is how I looked awhile back. I looked like none of my clothes were mine. They were so big on me because I still had to get them to fit me length wise. And another reason I remember this so well, is because after Kat everything but my underwear was from charity. I didn't have any clothes but charity for months. But it was ok, I was proud of everything I got.

There's a few reasons I remember the Mom thing. One is that I was away from my parents for 9-10 months because of Kat. It was tough. I would have been proud to have my Mom hug me everyday. I missed having her around and telling me things will be ok. What that Mom was doing wasn't anything for me to be saying anything about. She was just being his Mom. What could be wrong with that?

The other reason I remember that, is because that kids Mom died a couple months later. I think she was trying to spend as much time with him as possible and show him that she loved him, because she had terminal cancer. I understand what she felt. I have days that I feel I should be with my family. I can understand the need. I'm not in that situation but I can still understand it. And it makes me remember how I acted that day. I'm ashamed of how I acted. I'm actually ashamed of alot of things I do. LOL.

I don't know if it's Karma or just the law of average that something bad I do will bite me in the ass later on in life. But I understand now that when something like this happens, it's never forgotten. It seems to pop into my head at weird times. "Hey dumbass, remember what you did to that kid on the bus"! It's a shitty feeling.

Ehhh.

I think I need Therapy or I need to start a list of people I have done wrong, like on "My Name Is Earl. It would be a huge list........

Another Day, Another Drama

2007-11-18T09:04:00.000-06:00

My brother is going home today. He has an interview with a company about 60 miles on the other side of home. So he will probably stay at home in case there are other interviews and stuff. I'm kinda glad, cause the apartment is real small with him here. He just takes up alot of room, especially when there's nothing for him to do. I guess this isn't where he wanted to be at this time in his life. LOL. Join the club!

So? What am I to do? I'm gonna enjoy the crap out of it. LOL. Vacation. It's not like I'm a baby. I know how to use a phone. I know how to drive. I can cook. Hell, I can even change my own dirty nappys if I absolutely have to. My Mom is obsessing over all of this ( she's talking about taking off from her classes and I don't know if I can handle that), "What if you have a reaction to something?" "What if you get dizzy and fall?"" What if you get sick while your asleep?". Blah Blah Blah..... What she doesn't know is that big bro wasn't that much help anyway. He barely took care of himself, I don't even register on his radar. About the only thing he did was drive me where ever I needed to go. But my Dad is gonna leave his truck here and use a company car, so I have transportation. But I'm still not driving, so it's just for emergencies. When I need to go to see the docs, to the clinic, or the hospital I have other options than driving. We'll just have to figure them out. There are people that volunteer to drive for you thru the hospital. And believe it or not, the preacher that I cussed is another option. I went to his church last Sunday and appologised. He's been over a couple of times this week. He hasn't been pushy with religion or anything. Just visiting. He's a good guy. I'll tell about the visit to his church in a later entry. LOL.

It's weird, in someways I feel I've never been alone and then there are times that I feel I've always been alone. I guess that's normal. But I am capable of making the right decisions for me and I know how I feel better than anybody else. Man most of my life, my parents didn't have any problems with me or my decisions. Now than I'm old enought to take care of myself and make decisions for myself , they are afraid to let me. I know how things are in my life. I've gotten to where I know when I will feel bad, when I will be sick, and when I will feel good: that is as far as physically. Sometimes I'm down mentally but that's life. But I know about me. I really don't need a babysitter. I can deal with my boredom better than having to deal with my boredom and somebody else's. Plus it'll be nice to have some quite around here and the bathroom to myself most of the time. Now if I could only get free porn vids on my pc without it freezing up. LOL.

I didn't go to church this morning. I probably should have but I didn't feel like it. Whenever Mom is around lately, I've always got a headache. Mom = Headache. Yeah it fits. LOL.

Heaven

2007-11-17T14:41:00.000-06:00

Mom is driving us ALL crazy today. I've just about had all I can take. Just what does she expect of 3 guys in an apartment. Stuff doesn't get cleaned like if she was here all the time. The toilet doesn't need cleaned. The last time I peed, I sprayed part of it down. I try to do that every time. I expect Dad and my brother to take care of what I missed. It's clean, Right? It is to us.

I've been trying to get Dad to take her out SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE. EVERYWHERE. Just get her out of here. I think I'm gonna take something and go lay down. Actually I should slip her something so she would lay down and go to sleep. But I'm not like that. LOL.

Potty Time

2007-11-16T17:04:00.000-06:00

I think I've got some kind of a bathroom complex. There is always something bad (funny, sad, or just ignorant) that I see, that I do, or that happens to me that is associated with the bathroom. There's got to be some major trama that happened to me at some point in my early life to have causes this problem of mine. Or maybe I'm just wired wrong: Probably. LOL. Oh well, shit happens but hopefully in the bathroom.
OK, so here is today's installment of Potty Time.
My brother has some kind of stomach virus. Yea. I hope I get it too. LOL. But anyway, he's been spending quite abit of time in the bathroom, sometimes long noisey periods of time. So some of my meds make me have to pee bad. It's not old woman meds, it just works like it is. But anyway, he was in the middle of one of his episodes where he was trying to chip the toilet bowl and wouldn't get out so I could pee (like I really wanted to go in there without some protection from the death gas that was erupting from his sphincter). So I peed in an empty 20 oz coke bottle. Normally I would just take a whiz outside somewhere, but it's cold and there isn't any cover here. It's an apartment complex. Back home, it would have been no problem. But back to this morning, I put the lid on it and sat it on a table till it was safe to go in the bathroom and pour it down the toilet. And, I forgot about it.
This afternoon, my Dad came in and started cleaning up in the apartment. He saw the bottle and told my brother to see what it was. He took the lid off and smelled of it and dropped it like a bomb (you thought I was gonna say someone drank it, right. Nope, we're not that dumb). It hit the floor and splashed up on his leg, on the wall, and all over the floor. I've heard of IED's and WMD's, but this couldn't have been one of those. It was an EPB, Exploding Piss Bottle. And it must have been some kind of RANK to have caused that kind of reaction. I didn't think my pee smelled bad. But I don't think my farts do either. So, what do I know?
So the next thing was the reaction. There was some shock but no Awe. It was more like shock and anger. For me. I just busted out laughing and said, "Sorry, I forgot". Then I hid in the bathroom till my Dad was able to control him. But it was great. I'm so proud. It must be Karma or something. Shit is still catching up with him for all the crap I had to put up with.
So for a part of the afternoon, I've been trying to get pee out of the carpet and off the wall. I've had to clean the same spot on the carpet 5 times. I see a carpet cleaner in my future, probably tomorrow. Mom isn't that pleased with the state of affairs around here. LOL.

Owner Of A Boner

2007-11-13T22:06:00.000-06:00

Maybe it's not the brightest thing that I've done in my life but it was funny. My brother said something to me today about when I was little: about I'm the owner of a boner. I guess I've had PDSS, Post Dramatic Stupidity Syndrome, cause I forgot it happened. It's something I guess I wanted to forget but my brother had to bring it back up. So here's the story.
This is one of the stories about how evil my brother was/is. I was 8, he was like 13-14. Anyway he was always saying stuff to me to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. He was always picking at me about something. I remember asking him if my pecker would ever get big and he said no. He said there was something wrong with me and it would never get bigger. I was kinda embarrassed about the whole little weiner thing and he just tortured me about it. None stop. It didn't matter who was around either, he would do or say anything to embarrassed me. His nickname for me at that time was "little dick". By the way, he had many nicknames for me. It was just a matter of who was around and how bad he wanted to embarrasse me. He was such a bastard. LOL.
So one morning I got out of bed and there it was. I was so proud. I ran down the hall, thru the den, and into the kitchen shouting "I'm The Owner Of A Boner" and pointing down at my underwear (I still don't know where that phrase came from but it's pretty catchy). For me, everything was right in the world. I was a BIG boy. I was normal. I was gonna be ok..............
You know, it should be against the law to torture little kids like that. LOL.

Sleeping Pills

2007-11-13T13:12:00.000-06:00

I've been around academia lot, especially where I used to live. People my Mom worked with and students were always coming around ( she would talk all educated to some people and then she would talk like a regular person the rest of the time ). For the most part, they spoke in a language all their own. It's more than double talk, it's usually loud double talk in code with keywords and alot of twisted meaning. For the most part, it's just talk. It's exchanging ideas in an elitist vocabulary. It has it's rules. But it's easier to understand when it's spoken than when it's written. Man, reading it is like trying to keep from going to sleep when you've taken meds that make you sleepy. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to listen to it too but at least you get a little comedy and some drama when it's spoken. In written form, it's just a jumble of words with no emotion.
I ran upon the blog of a grad student at Ole Miss. Man he is ripe with it. He's like the people that would come to my Mom's office a few years ago just to regurgitate something they had read or to discuss some hidden truth that only they could see. When I was little, I enjoyed listening to them. They were funny and fun to be around: as a little kid. But now it just bores me. I'm not demeaning them. I would have to really understand them first. I would have to understand the reason behind their need to understand the (for the most part) meaningless. I would have to understand the meaning behind their need to throw out token phrases from obscure and not so obscure authors, and use that as evidence that what they are saying is correct. I know that theory is important. That isn't what I'm saying. It's the hours, days, months, and sometimes years searching for evidence to substantiate a theory about why punctuation was placed at a certain point in a novel is what I don't understand. It's the almost rabid and sometimes psychotic ranting about life, using the works of authors from 1000 of years ago as examples of some social flaw, social injustice, or even some genetic mutation in society today. It's their ability to squeeze a moment of truth out of 1000s of years of vagueness. It's their ability to use the lack of truths as evidence of truth. I just don't understand it. It's not that I believe it's meaningless, because I don't. I'm not demeaning their effort or their intelligence. I just don't understand it or them. There's no end product. There's nothing tangible. It's just evidence of thought ( I thought this, so it is and that is my evidence ). But at least it is evidence of thought. LOL. I've never been accused of that so maybe I'm just jealous.

Nope, He Didn't Touch Me.

2007-11-10T16:29:00.000-06:00

I read this article about molestation and the ignored effects of societies need to spotlight all cases: no matter the consequences. It was completely different from any view of this blight on our society. It wasn't the view that most of America sees. But I think it is very eye opening. It seems that what this family should be in therapy for is the treatment by the authorities. How this family was treated was horrible and it just shows what happens when a key word is used in our society: "Molester". We get political hacks who become protectors of the people that don't need protection except from political hacks with authority.
I don't have the first hand knowledge on this subject that it seems the rest of America has. I think my family is one of the few families in America that hasn't had some horrid sexual act perpretratedon it. But a friend was molested when we were younger, at the time he was my best friend. After it happened, we did talk about it a couple of times because I knew the person that molested him too. And there was alot of stuff that my parents told me not to talk about or ask him; which the first chance we were alone, I automatically asked him. We were pretty honest with each other about just about everything and he didn't have a problem talking about it with me. I never harrassed him for details or anything like that. It was more like he just wanted to tell me what happened cause of all the stuff that other people were saying. The first time was a few weeks after it happened. He just told me what happened. The last time was a few years later, just before Hurricane Katrina, which is close to the last time I saw or talked to him. The last time he told me about everything. I don't think he left anything out.
I won't get into details or anything like that, but he did say alot of stuff that was very similar to things that were written in the article. He felt that what he had to go thru with the cops, doctors, and social workers was worse than being molested. He said that the molestation hurt but then it was over. It bothered him to a point but it wasn't something that he wanted everybody to know about. But the stuff that went on after with the people "that were trying to help him", was much worse. He said that he went to Doctors and all that went with that. All the touching and stuff what went on with that was infront of other people. He had to describe what happened to the doctor. Then later, he had to tell about it over and over again to whoever happened to need to hear it: cops, lawyers, family, therapist, social workers, etc. He said it felt like they were getting some sick pleasure from his discription of what when on. His family was so messed up because of everything. The social worker actually told his parents that he could be taken away from them if they couldn't show that their home was going to be safer (his little brother spent that first night after it happened, in the care of the state and my friend was in the hospital). His family had to get a lawyer to help them thru all of the craziness that was going on. He said that if his mother hadn't found his underwear with a blood stain in them, he would have never said anything about it, EVER. He said that as bad as being molested was, it didn't compare to the real molesting he got after. He said that he was molested by this guy and he didn't want that to happen. He hated every minute of it. He said that he didn't want to go thru all the stuff that happened after it. It was without his consent too and that no matter what, he had to keep on going because he was afraid of the social workers, lawyers, cops, doctors, etc. He said that he knew that what the guy did to him was wrong. He understood that. But what the rest of them did to him felt just as wrong. They pressured him for details. Sometimes it felt that they were telling him what they wanted to hear. His family was constantly being pressured to do this, do that...... And at no time did he feel that there was anybody, besides his family, on his side.
So what's the difference between being molested by someone and being molested by authorities trying to get information about molestation. To me they are close to the same. See his nightmares weren't about being raped but about his life being torn apart by authorities investigation his raped. See during most of it, he was a after thought. He was a means to an end. He was the way to get this person locked up. In reality, who cares about the victim (an 11 year old) anyway, when there's a predator on the loose.
I just thought about this. I do have alittle first hand knowledge about part of this. After he was molested, I was questioned by my parents a few times and a cop once. Did I ever go over to that place? Has anyone ever touched me on my privates? Blah blah blah. Like I was ever gonna fall into that trap.
My friend was killed last year in a car wreck. A drunk driver hit the car he was in. I don't know why I thought of him today. His family moved to Ohio after Kat and I've really missed having him around. For most of my life he was my best friend, my only friend. I guess I'm just tired.

What's Going ON? A little bit about me.........

2007-11-10T14:31:00.000-06:00

I guess I should say something about what's going on in my life in a more straight forward way. I'm used to my other site, so without a little history lesson, nothing makes much sense in my blogs. For the most part I write about stuff that happens to me but I do write about other stuff.
I'm 17 but I act like I'm 12. I'm not in school because of health reasons but I wasn't in school that much anyway. I live in North Mississippi but at the moment I'm in an apartment in Memphis so I can be close to my doctors. My Dad works in Memphis and he stays here alot. My older brother is staying with me and supposedly looking for a job. He is a recent college graduate. He's 23 years old. My Mom teaches English and Lit in college. She is usually here on the weekend. My Sister is 20. She is married and has a son.
We lived most of my life on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. My parents and me were there thru Kat, my sister and brother were away at college. We went about 20 miles inland to a shelter and rode out the storm there. We didn't think it was gonna hit us and we barely got that far. LOL. After Kat, I stayed with family in N. Mississippi while my parents stayed on the coast. They rebuilt our house and then we moved away from the coast cause my Mom didn't want to live there anymore. We moved to where my parents were both raised. That's where I live now. It's real rural but I like it.
I write about just about anything. I don't have many manners and I'm not afraid to make myself look like an idiot. So beware, there's alot of ugly and smelly stuff in my blogs. But it's just my life.

The Horror

2007-11-10T14:20:00.000-06:00

My Dad sleeps on the couch most of the time when he stays here. He puts his clothes and suitcase in my closet cause it's bigger that the closet in the other room. This morning I woke up early. I heard someone moving around in my room. When I opened my eyes, there was my Dad with his back to me. He was naked and bending over to get clean underware out of his suitcase on the floor. There are things in this world that should never be seen by innocent eyes and this is one of those things. I wonder if this is some rite of passage because I've actually seen one of the most horrible sights in the world and I survived. I'm alive. I'm not blind. I didn't go crazy from the horrible mental torture that I went thru. Yes, my name is Kieran and I'm a survivor. LOL.
But you know what was going thru my head at that moment: I hope that's not what my balls are gonna look like in 25 years. Isn't there like plastic surgery that you can get done to your ball sack to make it not look so ugly? Eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm so depressed. I've seen the future and it's B-U-T-T ugly. LOL.
Thank God it wasn't my Mom.

Organization Equals Corruption

2007-11-09T22:13:00.000-06:00

I understand now that my family is religious. I never really thought that when I was growing up. We went to church but it wasn't something that was demanded of us. When I was old enough to stay at home by myself, I decided for myself. Nothing was forced on me. My parents are members of the church that we attend now. They've been members since they were teenagers. I never knew that till last week. All the time they were away, they never became members of another church. When we moved here, we even went to other churches to check them out. But in the end, they were more comfortable at that church. It's kinda cool. We have alot of family there. I think we are kin to most of the people there but distant kin.
But I don't think I will ever be a member of that church or any church. There's alot of reasons that I could use but for the most part it's one thing: I will not become a member of any group that uses intimidation, harassment, and innuendo against people they don't know or even try to understand. And it may not be from the "church" it's self but from members, but that to me is still a problem of the church. I know that people gossip. I know that people try to force their beliefs on others. I know that people try to use force to get their way. But when it's in this setting (a church), it's more than "people", it's institutional. It becomes a lifestyle ( I'm good, Your evil). It becomes Mob Rule. I won't be part of that. I don't want to force my beliefs on anyone and I don't want anybody to try to force their beliefs on me.
I don't like the use of the term "Christian". To me it means good, kind, giving, and spiritual. But it's used by many as an excuse to be less than "Christian". Most of the time when I hear someone use that definition for themselves, I know they are not "Christians". I don't think any person should use their religious beliefs to define themselves. I think it's very un-Christian. Spirituality should be a personal thing. It should be a personal belief in a higher being, not a cookie-cutter model that someone made up to gain power over other people. But maybe that's just my own belief. I could be wrong.
I think there are many things that's good about going to church. I like the commonality of beliefs. It's important to be with like minded people. I also think it's important to have a spiritual center for worship. I like the charity work and community service that happens thru churches. But with that, I don't like the pressure that goes with "giving". I don't like the bragging that goes with it. I think giving should be something that isn't bragged about. It shouldn't be used by the "Church" to get others to give bigger donations. It should be a private thing not between a member and the church, but between a person and his Lord. I think there are too many people that miss that point but also I think there are too many people in this world that miss the point in just about everything in life. So what's new.
But I think that any group that puts forth how great they are, should be above being small minded and petty. They should live up to their values, not down to their fears. They should spend more time judging their own lives and less time trying to save someone that doesn't need saving. But with all of that, I still have faith in the goodness of "Christians", just not with the Church or any organized religion. Organization to me is just another word for corruption.

I'm Going Straight To Hell for this one....

2007-11-09T22:05:00.000-06:00

I get asked alot of questions. I'm getting better at figuring out which to answer and which ones don't need answers. See there are alot of questions in life, some more loaded than others. Most of the time, greetings are just questions that are really not questions at all: they're just greetings.
How are you?
How's it going?
How are you feeling today?
The question (greeting) is alot of the time just as automatic as the answer (Ok. Could be better. etc). They are just automatic responses to a greeting.
But then you get into the loaded questions that are used as greetings. The kind that I don't like. The kinds of questions that I feel puts pressure on me to give a certain response; or if not the correct response, then I should feel small for not being able to give that response. These really bother me. Sometimes I give the answer that I think that person is wanting. Sometimes I ignore the question. But most of the time, I just answer honestly. And then I try to avoid that person from then on.
Welllllllllll, it just so happens that this has been happening alot lately and with pretty much the same question but from different persons. I've met a few preachers at different places since I've been back in Memphis. There's always at least one making the rounds at the hospital and a couple have come over to visit at the apartment (I don't no how they found out where I'm staying cause I would never tell them). And just about every time I hear the same kind of question, "Have you excepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior?" OR "Have you been saved into the Church?"
I've put up with it but last week I had had enough. A preacher came over to visit. My Dad let him in. I was laying on the couch, I didn't feel that great at that moment and really didn't want company (my Dad told me later that he shouldn't have invited him in but the preacher was a little forceful). He came in and stuck his hand out to shake. When I reached to shake his hand, he asked me, "Have you except the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior?" It hit me like a lightening bolt, what an incredibly rude way to greet someone. I pulled my hand back. I asked him did he think that was a pleasant way to greet someone for the first time. And since my answer to his question could be "NO", what was his response going to be, that it's something I should be thinking about since I'm sick? Was his main objective coming over here to make me feel even worse? I told him that he didn't make me feel worse. His ignorant question just made me mad. I told him that it was none of his fu-king business and I went back to my bedroom (that word kinda slipped out and it made my Dad so very proud of me, NOT). He left not long after that, with my Dad apologizing for me. LOL. My Dad has since stated that I should refrain from cussing people who are invited into our home and especially preachers.
Oh well, shit happens.
But that stuff bothers me. It's like someone coming up to me and demanding I be like them. If I'm not, then I should feel bad. It's just not right. And I understand that it was probably something that was natural, his natural greeting. To me it was an accusation or an act of aggression. He attacked me. LOL. Maybe he'll put out the word through the grapevine, that I'm crazy and to leave me alone. And maybe he'll think before he asks that question from now on. See I don't mind telling the people I know about my personal beliefs. It's not a secret. But it's not a casual conversation piece with strangers because it's my spirituality and not a group belief. I don't go up to strangers and hold out my hand, and say "Are you a bigoted Christian?" That's what I should have asked him but I didn't think of it then.
Man you should see my journal. Since then just about every thing has been about religion. LOL. It's funny, some of the dumb crap I say when I get mad. I lose what little intelligence I have. Nothing I've put in my blog is a rant compared to the "mad" entries in my journal.
I just wonder how everybody else handles stuff like this. How do you answer a question like that without feeling like your in an interrogation? I feel bad now how I acted. I think I should have been a better person and just ignored it. And I went wayyyyy overboard with my language. I let something bother me and maybe it was too easy to be offended by this? But sometimes enough is enough. Right now, things are messed up enough without people I don't know adding to it. Maybe I'm not perfect after all.
Nahhhh. I'm still perfect.

Touching

2007-10-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

Awhile back I was in the hospital, I'd been having some pain in my groin, so a male doctor did an exam on me. He checked my whole area. It seemed like he spent way too much time checking things out ( it just seemed like it). Now that kinda got me to thinking. If he had gotten some pleasure while he was doing that, couldn't it be classified molestation.
But to tell you the truth, I don't see the difference between someone touching my elbow and someone touching my pecker. But the way society sees things is that my pecker is nasty, evil, ugly, sinful, etc. Or it's the Holy of Holys, the untouchable. But there is very little on our bodies that is that way. Nothing is said when we are bumped in a crowd. See if someone touches my pecker, they are committing this horrible act. And this has gone so far that to see this offending member, to let someone see it, or if they sneek a look is a crime. I'm just lost to all of this.
I think our society has lost it. A parent can beat a kid bad enough to be put into the hospital and the kid will be taken away. The parent will get a suspended sentence more than likely and probably get the kid back. But if that parent touches a kid's penis, they could be charged with molestation and serve time in prison. Then they will have to register as a sex offender where ever they live. They will probably never be able to get the kid back. Some of the things I hear about are just completely ignorant. There is no logic to it. No order. Just hysteria.
Hey I don't know about anybody else but I've been felt up a few times. The lifeguard that taught me how to swim, would have his hand on my pecker. Sometimes he would slip his hand inside my swim shorts. I didn't have to go to a head doctor to understand it. He always seemed to change clothes in the dressing room when the rest of us did. It didn't bother me. When I was in 8-9-10 year olds baseball, my coach helped me put on my supporter and cup in the bathroom at the field. He touched my privates. It didn't bother me. I was swimming at a friends house and his 15 year old brother stuck his hand down inside my trunks. No big thing. But these were all crimes by society's standards. But I wasn't hurt. I didn't exactly like it ( there is alot of stuff in life I don't like ) but it wasn't anymore of a bad touch than if someone touched my arm.
See I'm not advocating this touching. I'm saying that there are alot of things that are truely hurtful that goes on in this world that's accepted but this is something that is so bad.
So we are taught that we shouldn't let anyone touch us "Down There" because it's nasty, dirty, evil. We shouldn't let anyone see our packages because they are evil and unclean. See by doing what the authorities do with these situations, they are telling little boys that they have a dirty, evil part of their body. So we must be the reason for the bad things. Boys are dirty and evil. Makes sense to me. It always has.
I'm evil and I must be destroyed.

Test Day

2007-10-28T18:18:00.000-05:00

A test to see what political party you belong to.
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ........................................................

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. ............................................

Republican's Answer: BANG! ...........................................................

Redneck Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Horandy Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: Your Not Taking That To The Taxidermist!

Rubber Washers Old Post from 8-07

2007-10-08T18:02:00.000-05:00

I know that there are alot of people that get involved in public service (politics) for the right reasons. There are some that do this because they are tired of the way things are being done. I do think it's noble. It's probably one of the toughest things to do is to do the right thing when everybody wants you to do what they want you to do. I know that with public service, it is impossible to please everyone. It's useless to try. An elected officials need to follow their own conscience because it is never going to be right to try to please segments of the population. Maybe that is what is wrong now. Everybody thinks our leaders are only in office to please us instead of leading us. They are too busy trying to figure out what is the best way to piss off the least amount of people that they stop becoming leaders and become politicians. Politicians that follow party lines and depend on polls to see how they should do their job. Everything is scripted. All votes in congress are pretty much transparent. There are so many leftys and so many rightys. Very little is ever left to their conscience. Their vote isn't a noble act for our betterment anymore but it's a calculated precision act for power. See if they don't vote the party line, then their party will not finance their next campaign. If they don't vote the party line, then their special interest groups will not funnel money into their bank accounts and help finance their next campaign. So most of their decisions are scripted their whole time in office. There is little left to chance. And until there is something done, it will stay this way. Until WE THE PEOPLE get tired of this, it will stay this way because our elected officials will not police themselves. It's not in their perceived best interest.
I know that some people may be wondering what set me off on this. Well I'll tell ya....I read where 2 rubber gaskets (washers) were shipped overseas. For these 2 items, the government was charged almost a million dollars. FOR 2 items that were not for an emergency or anything like that, and were so small and light, you could hold them in the palm of your hand. How can this happen? Think of the stuff that could be accomplished with a million dollars. Think of the people that it could help. This is messed up. There is no excuse for this. NONE. But this is just one of many examples of an inept government lead by politicians. The billions of dollars that was set aside for the gulf coast after Katrina doesn't seem to find the people that need it. It's found local, state and federal officials; but few if any Katrina survivors. It has financed construction but for Gulf front and River front properties. It's financed casinos, hotels, golf courses, resorts, and the big million dollar homes but it has done little for the average person. The average person doesn't matter that much in the run of things. If their home is a tent, a little camper trailer, or a toxic mold infested house; our elected officials seem to care little about it. But they got their 2 rubber gaskets delivered. It's nice that our government has it's priorities in the right place. Things just keep going with no one watching what is happening. Everybody is too busy to care anymore.
To me, it seems that this (politics) is all just a big game. There are all of these different sides to the game. Power is swapped around, alliances are made and broken, promises are kept and broken at the expense of the average person, and the rules are made up as the game goes along. The game revolves around gaining power by pitting us against ourselves. We are inexpensive pawns, easy to forget, easy to manipulate, and sacrificed at the first sign of trouble. And in this game we think we are in control of the players but in reality, the players are in control at all times. I guess that is the beauty of the game, we don't know or even care we are being played.

The Land of The Free Old Post from 7-07

2007-10-07T19:22:00.000-05:00

I'm probably gonna get slammed for this one, so go ahead and let me have it. I probably deserve it.
America is called " The Land of the Free ". But a better name would be " The Land of the Lawsuit ", were it is every person's right (some people think it's their responsibility) to sue someone and/or everyone for anything and everything that goes wrong in life. Sometimes I think it's every Americans ambition to sue someone: To Get Paid.
McDonald's has been sued because of their fries. How dumb is that? They were just too good, so I need a million dollars because of the pain and suffering caused by them. LOL. They've also been sued because their food was too fattening. Wow. People getting fat couldn't have been because they had no self-control, and did nothing but eat and lay around on the couch. No, it's McDonald's fault for making their food taste good instead of tasting like crap.
A dentist was sued because he put a pair of fake tusk in the mouth of a woman who worked for him, while she was under sedation during a dental procedure. He put them in and took a picture and then took them out. Then he did the regular procedure. He did it as a joke. There was nothing dangerous about it. He was known for his lively and fun work atmosphere, and he was known for joking around with the people in his office ( I know that it was in bad taste and it was probably not that funny to her ). But he was sued by that woman. Why? Because she wanted to. It was her chance to get some money. And she won. Now you may say that it was to teach the dentist a lesson and to get some form of justice. To sue him, it hurts him cause it takes away money from him. But he had insurance that covered it. But the insurance wouldn't pay. So he paid it his self. Then he took the insurance company to court and won. He also won damages because the insurance company wouldn't pay at the start and he came out real good in the whole situation. He made a lot of money off of her suing him. LOL. Yep lesson learned.
There was a guy that gave another guy a Texas Titty Twister ( where someone pinches a guys titty and twist ) and was sued because of the horrible pain, the years of suffering, and the mental anguish he endured . And he won. Such an important landmark case. Just think, I could have won more than a few lawsuits for this horrible act because it happened more than once to me in my life. LOL. I could be rich now if I had just realized I could have profited from it.
There's been people that have sued gun manufactures because the guns the those companies produce were used to kill other people. A purely political thing. See I have never heard where the fertilizer companies were sued over the Oklahoma City bombing. I haven't heard where knife companies were sued because their knives kill. I'm not trying to get into the gun thing. I'm just saying that it is an idiotic thing. If someone hit someone in the head with a baseball bat, is the company that made the bat responsible? Substitute the bat with a frying pan. Or a ice skate. Or a skateboard.
Just about every time a plane crashes, the families of the people on board sue the airlines. It's incredible how this is allowed. Yeah, it's my thought that getting in a aluminum tube with wings, going 500 miles an hour 1 mile above the Earth is safe and there should be nothing to worry about. Maybe we should sue God for not giving Earth less gravity.
Drug companies.. When something happens with medications and someone dies there seems to always be a lawsuit. Typical. But of course people will say that the drug companies shouldn't sell products that are not safe for EVERYBODY. But nothing is completely safe. Nothing is completely safe for everybody. Common sense should tell us that. I don't care if a drug company or anybody else tells me something is safe, I know there is a risk. But at the end of the day, it's our choice to take anything like that. We have the choice to take something or not. So it's our fault. It's not the fault of a company. Just like if I decide to drink a gallon of paint thinner. I did the drinking. It was my choice, not the company that makes the paint thinner. See there is no cure all and there is no guaranteed super medicine. There is a risk to taking any medications and there is a risk the medicine won't work. But no matter what, it's our choice.

See there are things I can see as worthy of suing over. One is the stupid people that fall into this category of imbeciles who sue over the results of their own choices. Everybody that files a sleazy lawsuit should be sued by the rest of the world. They should be sued and have their rights as human beings taken away from them. They should be relegated to an island where stupid, sleazy people can live without being in contact with the rest of humanity. Maybe not an island, maybe a big state. California is a good one to choose, it's already got more than a few sleazebags living there now. See nothing is safe for everybody. Take it at your own risk. I don't have an overly ambitious belief in so called cure-alls. If I live, I live. If I die, I die. I will not live or die, depending on a corporation and their imaginary miracle cure. And I will not live my life hoping that I can sue someone because of the choices I made. I can live with my choices. I also know that there is no cure for life. It always ends in death. There are some things that can prolong my life, maybe make it better, but there is no cure. And there is a risk with everything I put in my body. I'm not so dumb that I believe "IT" could never happen to me. I know it can happen to me.
The tobacco companies is another one. I'm sorry but that whole thing is wrong. People suing those companies because they smoked the companies product. I have never heard where people were being held down and were made to smoke tobacco. The people that smoke made that choice themselves and they are to blame for their own actions. It's incredibly stupid that society has felt the need to ignore this simple fact and blame people's lack of restraint on the tobacco companies.
A neighbor near me, had this couple walking up to their door. While they were on the steps the woman stepped off the edge of the step and broke her ankle. She sued my neighbors for this. Incredible. Incredibly sleazy.
The thing that happened at Selmer, Tn at the Kids for Cars parade. It was a horrible accident. Truly horrible. And within a week, there were lawsuits being filed almost everyday. People were coming out of the woodwork to try to get their piece of the pie. It's like vultures at a dead carcass. Or sharks in a blood frenzy. It's sad what happened. And it just shows how quick bad things can happen and how easy it is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
How can anyone put a price on a life besides the person living that life? I couldn't do it but it's done every second of every hour of every day in every part of the world. It's a sad part of life but it's excepted from society. But each life doesn't have the same worth in our world. We all like to think our life is priceless but in reality, it isn't (except to us). So since we (society) want a actual price tag on our lives, we have courts that help us decide what specific lives are worth. It's kinda like a product on store shelves. There's the generic brand (homeless), the store brand (the poverty level), the name brand (middle class), and then there is the Premium brand (The Unbelievably Rich). Yep we all want to be the latter but with our society the way it is and our courts the way they are; who knows what we are really worth to the rest of the world. Who knows what anybody is worth? No one really knows. But I can gaur-ronn-tee you that there is a lawyer that can come up with a number for my life if I need one. But of course to get a number like that, I would probably be dead, so it probably wouldn't matter at that point what anybody thought my life was worth.
See I don't understand about going to court to get money because of a death. It never remedies anything. It doesn't bring back a loved one. To me, there is no way it could make anyone feel better about losing a loved one, unless they weren't really a loved one to start with. To me it is a horrible thing to have a death in the family. But if I decide to sue someone to get money because of that death, it would make me feel like I was using that persons death for my own benefit. I would also feel like I somehow wanted that person to die so I could get paid. It's a cheap nasty thing to use a loved one's death to make a few dollars. It just shows how nasty and callus some human beings can be. To me it is no better than parents selling their kids for sex. It's using people in the worst way. I also can't see getting money in a lawsuit for wrongful death as a form of justice because it is not justice. It's financial gain at the expense of some one's life. It may feel like justice and look like justice to some people, but it's just a sleazy pattern of abuse by a lazy society. Yep I said abuse because it is abuse. And it's demeaning. And in my view, it's what this time in history is going to be remember for. To me, it cheapens the life of the person that died. And it makes our lives seem cheaper.
I hate that bad things happen. But I really believe that things happen for a reason. The main reason is that people don't want to be responsible for their own lives. They blindly put themselves in dangerous situations. And when something happens, it's just the next step to sue someone. It's the easy thing to do. It is a self-deluding way to deflect blame for our own actions. To me, anyone standing on the edge of a highway no matter what the situation, they are in harms way. They are putting themselves in a dangerous situation. The kids that were at the parade in Selmer, were in a dangerous place. Their parents should have known better. The cars had been doing this for years. It wasn't a new thing. Everybody knew that the cars were going to peel out and that the cars were very powerful. So if the parents allowed their kids to be in that position, the parents are the first one's to blame. It doesn't matter about the driver of the car, the city, the state, or the Cars for Kids charity. The parents should have understood that it was a dangerous thing and not something that they should be involved in.
See life is hard and life is dangerous. We need to take the blindfolds off and look at the world. It's not safe. There is no one protecting us but us. We can't rely on people to protect us. We need to protect ourselves. We need to take responsibility for our own lives because in the end, it's our life. Our lives are not as precious to other people. And suing for our own lack of judgement is never the answer. The answer is we need to use better judgement in our lives and we need to take responsibility for our own actions. We need to stop thinking that we are being protected from danger. Our only protection is ourselves. In the end, we are the blame for our own well being. We are the blame for our lives, no matter how hard we try to blame someone else.
Please don't get me wrong. I know that there are situations that constitute lawsuits. I'm not saying all lawsuits are wrong. But there doesn't seem to be a way to separate legitimate lawsuits and the sleazy ones that are the dominate ones today. The real ones are lost in the abyss of the commonsense-less and justice-less courts, and the endless flood of bad lawsuits.
Sorry if I upset anyone. I just hate the way everything seems so nasty right now. I just wonder if things have been this way my whole life and I'm just now seeing it. A couple of years ago, things didn't seem so bad.. Society didn't seem so predatory. Life didn't seem so bleak. Now it seems that it has become so easy for people to be dishonest. No one even cares any more as long as it's not directly affecting them. Nothing seems right. I just wonder if it's me or what. And I know it seems that I am always down on people and life in general. But I'm really not. It's just that when I see so much bad stuff going on, it makes me not want to trust. When I see so much dishonesty, it's hard to believe that there is honesty in anything. Every time someone cheats it makes everybody else's lives just a little bit harder. No matter how horrible the story, if it is against a "evil corporation", or how rich the defendant is: I don't see winning a frivolous lawsuit as something to be celebrated. To me, it's just wrong. Because every time someone wins one of those frivolous lawsuits against a perceived bad person/company, it makes it easier for someone to win a frivolous lawsuit against regular people like me or you. And I don't know about anybody else but I can't afford to be sued right now. Or ever. LOL.

Some Justice old blog 7-07

2007-10-07T18:10:00.000-05:00

I read about the guy in California, Jack McClellan , who claimed he was attracted to little girls.
There is alot about this I don't like. I don't like the guy at all. I don't like anything about him. I don't like what he is saying. I don't like the ideal of him living in this world. I especially don't like the ideal that he could be living down the road. He is probably one of the most disgusting persons on the planet. But I don't understand how the state of California can do the things they are doing. For all of the nasty stuff that he has said, he hasn't been convicted of a crime. He hasn't done anything to a child. So how can the state be subjecting him to a different set of laws than any other person? Sure we can think that he will do something but that isn't something that should be part of our court system.
All of this is just wrong. If we start doing things like this, Pre-emptive justice, where does it end because it can be applied to so many things in our world. If we start doing things like this, when a child is molested; the child should be put in jail because of the tendency of molested children to become molesters themselves. It's pre-emptive and it's logical in that way of thinking. Children that have parents with some mental problems should be institutionalized because of the chance of the problems being passed to the child. Children of violent parents should be locked up because of the tendency of those children to become violent. People caught speeding, should be locked away because of the chance that in the future they will kill someone in a car accident. People that drink alcohol or take any drugs should be put in jail for future deaths caused by accidents while under the influence.
Our world has become so muddled, so distasteful. And we seem determined to make it worse. Kids can be kicked out of school and put in jail for having a list of names on a piece of paper. Spoken words have become criminal. Written words have become criminal. People are being jailed because of something that has happened at other places by other people. People are being put in jail for talking to adults that are acting like they are children. People are being jailed for things that might happen. People are being jailed for fictitious crimes. Where does it end?
Future crimes are not something that I want our government involved in. I don't want someone looking at a folder trying to figure out what I (or anybody else) might do in the future. This presumption of future crimes destroys the idea of Presumed Innocent. The way things are going, soon we will be presumed guilty until we can prove we are innocent (it's almost like that now). But beyond all of that, how can you prove your innocent of a crime that hasn't been committed yet? What's next, Thought Police? Or maybe government forced abortion of "criminal fetuses"?
Maybe I am wrong in the way I see things. But I think that you can tell more about a nation by their laws than by anything else. If the government uses laws to control the citizens thru law enforcement then maybe the nation is already lost. It becomes more like tyranny protecting a corrupt entity than government by and for the people. Government should be a guideline to help not a way to control.