The Talk

I don't know how we got on the subject but last Saturday night I had the talk with mom and dad. I've thought about this for months and I know that they didn't want to talk about it, but I felt I needed to talk to them. After the last visit to the doctor, it was all but said that I wasn't gonna get better. No one would say it to me but I could see it on their faces and in how they talked. Mom and dad spent alot of time with the doctor after the exam. It was a funny day as far as days go. Everything was different. The ride to the doctors office felt different. Mom and dad were the same but I think I was different. Things just seemed clear. Final. And this was before I saw the doctor and got the results of the test. It wasn't like I gave up or anything like that, it was like suddenly I had the answer to the question. Don't ask me what the question is cause it's more than just a simple question, it's my life. I have been going through life not only without the answer but I didn't even have the right question. But I think I finally realized that morning that it wasn't about me. My life is because of those that were part of it. I know that it probably sounds dumb or lame to say that, but it's true. Without the people in my life, my life would have been meaningless: Nothing. Every person that came into my life, good or bad, gave meaning to my life (hopefully the good was more important than the bad). All those days that I spent trying to understand life, was just a waste of time. Instead of sitting around bitching about things that were not that great in my life, I should have been enjoying the things that were great. I look at things now and I know that I had probably the greatest life ever because of the people that was part of my life. My family couldn't have been better. Even Will was probably better than most brothers. I had some of the best friends on the planet in real life and on line (I don't like that real life and on line thing cause I think it makes friendships that are on line seem less than other friendships). I got to spend more time with my family than most people cause of home schooling the last few years. I was able to go on trips with my mom and/or dad. I was able to spend time with Shea and hopefully he will remember me. I was able to be around my sister and brother, and really get to know them. I was able to really become close to Cody and Jake, which made the last year great.
So that morning was different for me. I've heard that phrase,"At Peace". I don't know if that is the description of how I felt, but it's close. I think "I understand it know", is more how I felt. Then the doctor's visit and everything else that day, was more along the line of, comfortable. I know that mom and dad were straining to hold it together and I knew it wasn't the right time to talk. So I waited till it was the right time and it happened Saturday night. Cody, Jake and the rest of the fam were gone to the movies, so it was just us; me, mom and dad. We were just sitting at the table eating dinner and talking. And somewhere in the conversation, I got the chance to swing the conversation to what happens when I die. It wasn't the huge thing that I thought it would be. I had tried to talk about this before but they were not ready for it. They were ready for it this time. I think they had been trying to figure out how to talk to me and I was trying to figure out how to talk to them about it. The main thing was to tell them what I wanted and to hear what they thought about it. It was a really weird conversation. It was one of those things that you only want to do once in your lifetime. joke....... But it was something that really needed to be done. I wanted them to know somethings. I wanted them to do certain things. I had a list of the things that I wanted other people to have. I explained about how I felt about a wake, viewing, and funeral. I told them I wanted to be cremated (I told Cody the next day that I wanted him to pour some of that white glue in with my ashes and make a ashtray or something) and my ashes thrown off of a mountain in Colorado. And then we talked about some other stuff that they thought should be discussed. But by then we had pretty much made peace with everything. It seemed to make them feel a little better and it made me feel alot better cause they didn't make it hard. We went into the den and started watching a movie. All 3 of us were laying in the floor with all of the pillows laying around and under us. I woke up about 6 and they were still there next to me. It was a great night. I really love my parents. I know that I will miss them.
I know that I have always felt that I was grown up and able to take care of myself, but I think that day I actually felt like an adult. It was one of those defining days that you only have maybe once or twice in a lifetime. And my parents looked at me and talked to me as a man instead of a boy. That was a big thing to me. I think you can be 50 years old but if your parents don't see you as an adult, your still a child. So that day was a very special day to me. It could have been sad and real messy, but it turned out to be a day to remember. I'll tell you a little secret, I've had a few days to remember lately. I want to remember every day and I want every day to be the longest day of my life cause I don't want to die. I know that I will and it will be soon, but I'm not gonna just go out quietly.
I decided that I wanted to put this song with this blog. I don't know if I will get to post it or if anybody will ever read this, but this song is awesome and it's what I'm listening to right now. It's "Wave Of Mutilation" by The Pixies. Hope you enjoy........