The Pecan Tree

This was from 4/06.

Living here is the worst place I have ever been. For the most part I am here by myself which is a good thing. But they always come home. And on weekends, it's hard being around them. I really don't like my uncle. My aunt is ok somedays but most of the time, she is just there. I try to stay out of their way. I do the stuff that I am supposed to do. I clean up after my self. I do all of my own laundry. I try to cook most of my meals and I clean up after. I even clean up after their meals sometimes. I buy alot of my food and stuff so they don't have to. I do all the yard work. I don't use his riding mower cause he is crazy about that thing. Only he can use it. So I use the push mower. On days when they are at home, I try to be somewhere else. But on rainy days, it's tough to go outside or stay out of their way in the house. If the weather is real bad, I just stay in my room as much as possible. But that doesn't always work. It just seems my uncle looks for things that he can start a fight over.
Usually when we are in close contact, it's very uncomfortable. He is always glaring at me like I have done something to him. And he loves to yell at me when he is having a bad day. A couple of weeks ago, my aunt made dinner. For some reason, he expected me to eat with them. I haven't eaten with them but just a few time when I first came here. Since then, I don't eat with them. But that night, he thought I was eating with them and got mad when I wasn't sitting at the table. He came up to my room and asked me to come down for dinner. I told him thanks but I wasn't hungry. I knew something was wrong. He just had that look. But anyway, I had a plastic ole miss cup from a game that I use to hold pens and stuff. He grabbed it and threw it at me, then told me that they would no longer cook meals for me you little freak. It's not the first time he's done stuff like that or said something like people like me should be put on an island somewhere away from good honest normal people. And today, I accidentally mowed down a little tree (it was like an inch high). When he came home I was still mowing. He came up behind me and hit me in the back of the legs with a stick. I turned around with my fist clinched. He called me a weirdo and pointed at where the little tree was supposed to be. He said that it was a pecan tree that he wanted to grow into a big tree to go along with his other pecan trees. I told him I didn't know it was anything and that I was sorry. He looked at my fist and asked me if I wanted to fight. I told him that if he ever touched me again, one night he would wake up looking at me grinning cause I would have slit his fucking throat. He just stormed off toward the house yelling for my aunt. I finished mowing and went to my room. I took a quick shower, turned out the lights, and layed on my bed till I went to sleep. It's getting to the point where I'm not in the house when they are except at night. During the day if I'm not at school, I stay outside or go walking somewhere/anywhere. These people can't be normal. And I understand why my cousins don't visit much. And if that old man wants to fight, I will fight him. I think he has the weight on me but I think I can take him. I know one thing, if we fight, he will most definitely be hurting when it's over.
Just a couple of more months and I can go home. I can make it, I can make it, I can make it,.......
I've been going to that hill that looks over a bunch of houses again. I like just sitting up there watching the people that live there go about their lives. I still imagine me being part of the family. I know it's kinda creepy and very weird, but it makes things in my life less of a horror show if only for a little while. I don't know anybody that lives there but I have names for all of them according to which family I imagine I am in at the time. I still think they are all part of the same family. They do so much together. They are always grilling out on the weekends with all or almost all of the families there. They have parties alot. It just looks like a great family and extended family. I found an old metal thing (it's one of those things that people use for a closet because they don't have a closet) that doesn't have any holes in it and it makes it perfect to lay under it if its raining. And this is the same hill that looks over the 4-way stop that I like. I have to go about 1/4 of a mile north of that spot and there is the spot that looks over the highway. I sometimes do that too. I can spend hours watching the stuff that goes on at that one intersection. On good days, there is a cop that is using it take care of his quota of tickets. Actually I think it's the same cop that does that stuff. I really need a camcorder with a real good telescopic lens on it. I think I could bust a cop with ease if I just had the equipment.
But most rainy days, I usually just sit in the old shed or sit under the bridge on the highway. The shed is ok. But it's too close to the house for me. The bridge is noisy but it's dry. And I don't have to worry about the shit that goes on at the place I am having to stay.