Merry Christmas

Well I got a bunch of clothes and a new pair of Cons. But the one present I didn't want I got. I have to wear glasses since my last eye exam. My Mom wrapped them up like a present and gave them to me today. WOW did I ever pick the wrong frames (John Lennon frames). When I got my boggin and my glasses on, I look like a nerdy dick wearing a dark blue condom.

There's no way I'll ever get layed now.

No Turkey Please..................

I know things could be worse but that's no help. It seems there is always something worse. But I hate things the way they are now. My parents seem so tired. And sad. And worried. I knew I had that effect on everybody else but it's bad when I have that effect on my family. What a wonderful talent. LOL.
Well our Christmas dinner isn't gonna happen this year for a bunch of reasons.

• I've been tired and sick, so it would have been a real pain to go home. Plus I probably wouldn't have been much fun when I got there.
• My Uncle is in the hospital so that part of the family wouldn't have been there.
• My sister, brother-in-law, and Shea went down to the coast to see his family (they got back today). My sister got the flu and Shea has a cold, so I couldn't be around them.
• My brother has viral stupidity and I really don't want to catch that. I wish there was some way I could protect Shea from it but what can I do.
• I don't think I could take the smell of turkey or ham being cooked anyway. I walked outside earlier and I could smell a neighbors turkey. They were having a Christmas dinner at their apartment and it was horrible smelling. It just about gagged me.

So it's just Mom, Dad, and me. I'm trying to get Mom and Dad to go home so they can be with my sister and Shea. It's Shea's first Christmas and it's also real important to my sister to have them around tomorrow. I hope they go in the morning so they can atleast do that. I feel bad enough as it is. Everything is messed up because of me and I don't like it. It sucks.

Boy can I suck the fun out of a holiday. Oh well................

PISS ON IT. LOL

A little confession: I miss 360. Things just don't seem the same. I go check my page but it's just not the same anymore (matter of fact, it's kinda depressing). I guess the moment I found out Yahoo was gonna shut 360 down, it lost the comfortable feel it had. My page was a safe place, a friendly place, and it was my place. It was as much home as my home. It's where my friends knew they could get in touch with me. It was a place that people could see who I was because my page came from me. It was part of me. I've looked at other sites but none come close to what 360 was. I think my brainfart page is getting there. I'm liking it more and more everyday. It's hard to show individuality on blogger but it can be done with a little work and time.I always take my time doing most stuff like this anyway. So it's a work in progress.....

"I'm not a smart man"

It's funny how that line stuck with me because I truly hated the movie. But maybe I tried to read too much into it especially since I got to be old enough to understand things a little better. But it always makes me think of the dumb stuff I do and the stuff that happens to me. So I decided to share some of the completely ignorant, dumb, redneck(pick an adjective) things I have had the pleasure of being involved with.

Brain Dead Moment - I had to read a story that I wrote during class, in front of the class ( the story was about going to St.Louis to the Cardinals game). I thought I was so smart, so sophisticated: A true artist. Anyway I strutted up front and started the story. Then I got to this line. I don't remember it exactly but it was something like "I wanted to meet a pacific ballplayer". Half the class laughed. The other half, didn't even catch it and I was one of the one's that didn't catch it. The teacher made a point of bringing it up after I finished. Pacific/specific, what's the difference.

Not As Clever As I Thought - I thought I was so smart with my first messenger Id. I really wanted something that identified me as an Ole Miss fan. So I tried a lot of different names. I tried for hours. I would have had to used something like olemissfan10902342342409820498120934: not very unique. I wanted something that was just mine. So I finally got the ideal to combine Ole Miss and the Cardinals. The chant for Ole Miss is Hotty Totty (Hotty totty gosh almight, who the hell are we, etc) and I'm a cardinals fan. So I did hottytottyredbird. Man what a mistake. Everybody thought I was some party girl out for a good time. It was VERY painful and not that great of a boost to my self-esteem. I didn't use that id after a few days. Matter of fact, I really didn't use messenger till after Kat about a year later. LOL. Gun shy.

Busted For Something I Wasn't Doing - When I got to my Uncle and Aunts house after Kat, the first few nights I slept in the den. The pc I have now was my Uncles then and it was in the den. So I used his id to get on line. My cousin had a cam hooked to the pc. Anyway, I woke up that first morning and the first thing I did was get online. I didn't even get dressed. I was chatting with someone my age. He lives in Florence, Alabama which isn't far away. Then I noticed the cam. So I turned it on and put my sorry face on line. About that time my Uncle came in. He saw the cam was on and all I had on was my briefs. Of course he thought I was showing the world what I look like in my briefs or worse showing what I look like without my briefs. He got mad and took the cam. He sent it to his son who was away at college at Vandy. The thing is is that I couldn't even say I wasn't doing that because I was on line dressed like that. But all anyone could see was my face. But that didn't make any difference. He said, "We don't allow that kinda of behaviour around here". He treated me like some pervert from that point on. Or Prevert as I call it. LOL

Wrong Place, Wrong Time - I had to go to the orthopedic clinic when I was like 6. I had to wear a cast on my arm because I broke it kinda. But anyway before we went to the clinic, we stopped at McDonalds for burgers, fries, and drinks. We ate on the way over to the clinic. Me and my Mom went in while my Dad stayed in the car with my sister and brother. Anyway I got my cast off and was happy. So when we got back to the car, we all got in. I picked up my drink and I think I swallowed about half a cup of my brothers pee. While I was in the clinic, my brother had to pee. So my Dad said to pee in an empty cup. Mine wasn't empty and his was empty, but he peed in mine, Go Figure...I was sick for the rest of the day but I got my dang cast off.

The Things Kids Say - Sometimes after school I had to stay with this lady till my parents came to get me. Anyway I asked her who could I have sex with. She said "anybody that you like". I said "I like you, can I have sex with you?" I think I was 7-8 years old. My Mom told me later, not to be saying stuff like that. But now my Mom loves to share that little story with anybody that gets in ear shot. I was such a dumb kid.

Questions You Don't Want To Answer but Especially Not In Front Of Other People - The other day I was getting a check up and some meds cause I've been really tired, sick, and hurting (It kinda goes in cycles like that). But Brother Frank was with me. It was ok cause I wasn't expecting anything embarrassing (my bad for thinking that). But the doc was asking me all of these questions: Do your teeth hurt, Have you noticed blood on toothbrush, Any blood in your mouth, Do you have painful urination, Noticed blood in urine, Have you had rashes, headaches, joint pain, blah blah blah. He asked a million questions. Anyway he asked me if I had any pain during or after masturbation (not the exact wording): swelling of my testicles, any abdominal pain, any testicular pain, any problems at all.........I mumbled, no (I should have said, "I've noticed my penis will swell up sometimes especially when I'm looking at Internet porn or when it's rubbed. And it's swollen and painful in the mornings especially when I wake up and I have to pee real bad"). Man what is up with those questions? I understand that he probably thought Brother Frank was family. But what made him think I would want to talk about masturbation or anything to do with my penis in front of anybody, including family. Brother Frank said something about going to check on some other kids and said where he would be when I got done (did I ever say that I thought he's a pretty cool dude). After he left, I could answer the doc's questions a little easier (if telling a stranger stuff like that is ever easy). Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Now, it's kinda funny but it wasn't at that moment. LOL.
Hey that could be a new reality show, asking people very very private and embarrassing questions on live Tv. If there's enough prize money involved, sign me up.......Hell, I've been asked just about everything embarrassing you can think of over the last year.

Life Is Grand

Here is how things have been going for the last few months.
My blood count is high, my cancer rate is high (I feel pretty good).
My cancer rate is low, my blood count is low (I feel like crap).
Then I have to take some real crappy meds to build my blood count: shots, some iv's and other things.
Then I take the stuff to kill the cancer cells.
Then meds to help me take the stuff that kills the cancer cells.
Then tests upon tests upon test, to see if there is a new test that can be performed on me.
All the time, everyone is smiling at me telling me "You look better today" or asking me "How do you feel today" (Believe me those lame smiles don't help at all).
But on the good side, I get to lay around the rest of the time, doing nothing and feeling like doing nothing (like there is anybody to do anything with around here anyway).
Well, I got to go to the hospital. Fun Fun Fun.......
Isn't life grand? I wish I had 2 more lives just like this one.
Sorry, I'm feeling down today and having a little pity party.

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

I heard this and it's just unusual enough that I like it.

Chemical Evolution

How does a shitty day start? Just like any other day. SHITTYLY. LOL.
I got up and there wasn't anything in the fridge that I wanted to eat. NOTHING. So I decided to go down the street to this strip mall and get something to eat. It's a long walk for me but I was hungry and bored. So I put on a pair of dark gray sweats, a tee-shirt, a pull-over with a hoddy, socks and my old shoes. I also put on sun glasses and also my boggin to cover my bald head.
So I started out walking. I got to about halfway and had to sit down to rest. So when I got to the stores, I had to walk thru the parking lot. I got about 60 feet from the door and had to sit down again. There was a older truck there and I just sit down on the bumper. When I got back up there was a cop parked in front of the truck. So I started toward the stores and I noticed that I had to go down to the other end to get to the store I wanted. So I turned in that direction and started walking between the cars. I got to the store I was going to and went in. I got something to eat and a drink. After I finished, I started back home and about halfway thru the parking lot, that cop pulled up and told me to come over in a real loud smart ass voice. He was a smart ass most of the time he was talking to me. He asked me what I was doing? I told him I went to get something to eat. He asked to see some ID. So I showed him my Mississippi DL. He said that I'm along way from home. I said not really. I live just up the street. I asked him why is he questioning me.
He said "Your dressed like your a meth head. You keep walking between the cars looking at them like your going to steal something. You look like your coming down off something or your about dead. By the way, if you don't stop using, it's gonna kill you real soon. And you walked here with it drizzling rain".
I said"you've got me there". "That's exactly what's going on". "So, can I go now, Mien Furor".
So I got a ride with Mr. Cop to my apartment. He wanted to see where I lived and to call someone who would verify that I'm supposed to be there. So I went into the apartment for the phone number and he followed me in. He looked around trying to see something..... I gave phone number to the him and he called my Dad. He talked for just a little bit and then he listened for a little bit. He was a little surprised, ashamed and I think angry with the way my Dad talked to him and the way he act with me. He did some apologising to Dad over the phone and to me. Especially when I took off my pullover and boggin. He could see how skinny and bald I was. I felt so bad about how I caused him to be embarrassed. NOT....
But isn't it cool. I look like I use Meth. I have evolved into something.
What's the deal with cops and us. My family don't seem to do good around them. We must look like some kind of bad people, or we look like easy targets. I ain't made up my mind on that but we never back down. If they get smart with us, we get worse with them. And I'm the worst. They can all kiss my ass. LOL
I'm evil and should be destroyed.

Gloomyday

I don't like it here. It's not like I thought it would be. When I was little, I always thought it would be great to know things, to be able to do things, to have responsibility, to have some control, to understand............ But the older I get the less I know, the less I can do, the less control I have, the less real understanding I have, but I feel responsible for everything. This life sucks.
I've been thinking about Christmas the last few weeks. I used to love Christmas, when I was little. It was such a great time of the year. But the last few years, it's been not that great. Everything is so forced. Everything is so hectic. My parents are trying to get things perfect when there is no such thing. They're spending way too much money and way to much time on this. I'm ready for it to be over. This time of the year is becoming the NON-HOLIDAY. I'd rather just spend time with the family than have such a gloomy dark cloud over everything and everyone. Maybe have everybody spend the day together, just being together. It's the first Christmas with Shea and my brother-in-law, and it would be great just to be a family in one place for that day.
I decided that I don't want anything this year. I know that there will be a few token presents (clothes), but that's suppose to be it. I asked my parents to spend their money buying presents for the little kids in the hospital. And I don't know why but I feel better about things. I don't feel good that my parents decided to spend the money they had set aside for their presents to each other for this too. Well I do feel good about it but I wouldn't have felt bad if they had bought presents for each other. They deserve some presents for having to put up with me.
Maybe it is better to give than to receive. But maybe only for people who don't really want something. I wouldn't have minded a new PC and they were going to get it for me. But as long as this one last, I'm fine. I really don't want anything. Anyway, I think little kids, especially sick little kids, need presents at this time of year.

Coming Clean

Ok. I'm gonna come clean.
It's hard to admit when I'm wrong, expecially when it has to do with something that I care about as much as the St. Louis Cardinals. It's hard to except that someone I feel is such a good person, who I looked up to, is just human. It's real hard to let go of that feeling of being part of something truely great. Because I think he still has that in him. I'm talking about Rick Ankiel.
The part that bothers me is that I started making excuses for him. He was young. He was at the point that he didn't care and would try just about anything to get back his health. He has gone through so much in such a short few years that he lost his mind. He made a bad decision. It wasn't illegal. It wasn't illegal for him to use. Baseball didn't have anything against the use of HGH at that time. But Rick knew it was something that would be looked bad on him for doing.
Every since the news came out about it, I've going over the stuff in my head. What would I do in that same situation? Would the risk be worth the reward? Would I be willing to except the stigma that goes with it? I just don't know........

?Who?What?When?Where?Why?

Who are the dumbasses who come up with this crap? Who followed those kangaroos around to sample their farts? Man is that a shitty job or what?

I wonder if this could work on humans? If they need to study humans, they can just follow me around for a few days. I'll give them something to study! And plenty to sample.........

I wonder what the families of the people doing this study say they are doing?

What does your son do?

He collects Kangaroo farts.