Conversation Piece

What could be going on in his head? A Presidential Brainfart!

What the hell? Why would anyone want this in their bathroom? People do the stupidest things.

RANDOM-NESS

I'm kinda brain disabled right now. I have all these things banging around in my head and I just can't do anything with them. I can't make them into anything resembling a blog so I'm kinda going with the old stand by. Just put stuff down that pops into my head. Just randon crap. Part of this is from an old random blog cause that's what gave me the idea. So sorry up front for the major brain farts erupting from this blog entry: It's gonna be a stinker!

• I sleep with a plastic guard in my mouth cause I grind my teeth while I sleep.
• If I am at home, I'm always bare foot. Even outside in the yard, unless it's real cold, I am bare footed.
• Sometimes I think I'm sleeping my life away.
• I wish I was left handed.
• I've farted and had to leave the room cause it was so bad, ( I think something crawled up my butt and died ).
• When I was in elementary school, I had a teacher that wanted put to put me into a special class cause I didn't talk enough. Which now I see as funny cause for the most part, teachers don't want anybody talking.
• I once fell asleep on the roof of my house hiding from my brother.
• When I was little, my brother tricked me into going into the backyard naked and he locked me out of the house. He let me back in when I went into the front yard and started yelling.
• One time when I was around 6 years old, we went to a place in south Alabama that had bee hives. I was being a kid and running around having fun. I ran by a hive and a bee flew into my fly, which was always down. Anyway I lost my shorts real quick. I always check my fly when I see a bee now.
• I took a Viagra a couple years ago. I found out, the hard way, it was a bad idea.
• I once peed on an electric fence. It really was an eye opening experience.
• I think it's easier to feel bad than to feel good.
• I can sit on a hill overlooking a busy highway and watch traffic for hours.
• My worst nightmare is to be at school with diarrhea and have a sneezing fit.
• When I'm at school, I don't eat lunch.
• I think people that correct other people's grammar, need a good a$$ kicking.
• I think that everyone in the US should be fluent in the redneck.
• The absolute funniest thing I've ever seen happened a couple years ago I walked into the bathroom at school. There was a kid peeing at the trough. He sneezed and suddenly there was a stream of pee that shot up the wall over the trough. The high water mark had to have been around 6 ft. IMPRESSIVE.
• I think antebellum homes are the greatest. I love the old ones that you can change the actual room sizes because the interior walls move.
• I love homes with dogtrots in them.
• I love the way curved brick walkways look.
• I think tile roofs look awesome.
• I like the look of red cedar siding with a red metal roof. The red tinge to the light colored wood really looks good with the dark color of the roof.
• My Dad told me I sleep with my right hand in my underwear. I wash my hands when I wake up, sometimes.
• When I wash my hair, I face away from the shower head. I lean back so the water just reaches my hair. I hate getting shampoo in my eyes or on my face.
• I've ran a friend out of my room one time. He was picking his nose while he was sitting on my bed. It just grossed me out and I told him to get out of my room. No telling where he was gonna wipe it. EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU.
• I would love to get rid of my bed and get a hammock to sleep in.
• I don't like anyone to wear shoes in my room. I actually wish people would take their shoes off at the door before coming into the house but that would be very rude to say that to company.
• I want to build a house of my own some day. It will be a single story house with higher ceilings than most houses. It will be a 2 bedroom 2 bath home. The only interior walls will be the bedrooms and baths. the rest of the house will be open. It will have floor to ceiling windows. It will have a porch that goes around the whole house. and it will have a screened-in part. It will have a roof fan to use at nite instead of air-conditioning, only it won't be in the roof but in the gable end of the house. But it will also have central air and heat pump. It will have a basement for storage and stuff like that. I would want to build it so I have a clear view to the South and West for storms.
• I think all small towns should have a town square with the main municipal building in the square. It adds character to the towns.
• I am very uncomfortable looking people in the eyes. I always feel that I am showing people some defect in my personality. But my Dad taught me to always look people in the eyes. It shows respect and that I am listening to them.
• I really hate it when I'm labeled by what underwear I wear. If wearing briefs means I'm a pathatic gay loser who lets his Mom buy his underwear. Ok. So by that measure, if I wore boxers, I would be a bigoted, childish, moronic, poser, with a small package that doesn't need support in that area, and the constant need to check to make sure I still have a package. LOL.
• I hated it when my Sister's friends would be over at our house when I was little. They would hug, kiss, and tickle me. They tortured me endlessly. I think the tickling part was them trying to get me to pee my pants. EVIL GIRLS. LOL.
• I love to turn on the shower and lay down in the tub till the hot water runs out.
• I love Banana and Chocolate Moon Pies.
• I once wore different sneakers (one kind on one foot and one from a different pair on the other foot) to school by accident.
• I drink Coke most of the time, unless it's fountain drinks, then it's Dr. Pepper. And if I'm eating a meal, I drink Dr. Pepper.
• I've gotten in the shower with my underwear on.
• If I eat breakfast right after I wake up, I will throw up most of the time. I usually don't eat much till atleast 2 hours after I wake up.
• I don't like to use lights at nite unless I am reading. In my room at nite, the only light is from the tv screen or the computer.
• I love to get Dr. Pepper in a glass bottle and pour a small pack of salty peanuts into the bottle. Then drink it while eating the peanuts. My parents do that alot. It's good with cokes too.
• I want to see the Northern Lights ( Arora Boralis ) more than any other thing.
• I think brown is the ugliest color.
• I think that the state plant of Mississippi should be the briar.
• I want to see the waterfall on the St John River in Canada that reverses with the tide. I think that is so cool.
• I want to go swimming in the Marianas Trench.
• I want to pee off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
• Popcorn is a waste of time and energy. It's like trying to fill your stomach with salty air.
• Until last year it didn't know what C.O.P. actually meant. I'm really slow sometimes.
• If you have a mis-behaving pet monkey and you whip it, do you still call it spanking the monkey?
• What do you want to bet that the person who came up with "Johnson" as a slang for penis, was named Johnson?
• Do you think the person who came up with "pinching a loaf" worked in a bakery?
• Don't call it circumcision, call it ROBBERY!
• What rocket scientist decided that there should be a ball-busting bar on boys bikes and no bar on girls bikes?
• I like dark colors that are shaded with even darker colors. Like red with a black background.
• My favorite music is Rock. My favorites bands always seem to be innovators in the musical world. Pink Floyd being one that comes to mind. I like music that's different from the norm and unique. But I also love Delta Blues and actually all forms of The Blues.
• I had rather be kicked in the head than watch reality shows.
• ESPN is the worst........
• Why are athletic supporters made without a backside in them? All it does it cause the straps to ride up into your crack and then you have to dig them out constantly. It's embarrassing.
• I have a Black Lab named Plato.
• My dog Plato has 2 pet kittens and when I'm home, they all seem to end up on my bed when I wake up in the morning.
• I don't like to drive, just to be driving. When I'm at home,I only drive when I have to go somewhere. If I just want to get away from the house, I like to ride my 4wheeler or walk with Plato.
• I lose my mind when I run upon a snake. They cause me to hurt myself trying to get away from them.
• I think I had rather be blind than deaf. I would really miss music.
• In a few years, when I'm more on my own, I wouldn't mind going thru another hurricane but only in a inland shelter (20-30 miles inland).
• Even with all the bad things, Mississippi is one of the best places in the world to live.
• I love mountains and mountain forests.
• I wish it would get cold and snow here cause I have a heavy winter coat that I can't use.
• I don't eat alot of meat. I'm not a vegan or anything, I just like vegs better.
• I love to shoot rapids. But I don't know about the big one's out west. I think I had rather just sit on the bank and look that them.
• I also like to canoe/kayak on calm water.
• Sometimes I like to camp by myself, just a few books, a radio, a tarp/tent, sleeping bag, and a cooler.
• My cell phone rang for the first time Sunday. My Mom went into my room at home, got it and the charger, and brought it up here and snuck it into the other bedroom. I was sitting in the living room when I heard that irritating thing ringing. I answered it, talked to her for a minute, then I turned it off and unpluged it. I put it in my suitcase. I hate those things.
• I once saw a dead body.
• I've smelled more that one though.
• For Missisippi, the mecca of Redneckedness is Pickwick Lake I think. The one time I was there it was REDNECK.

I guess that's it. I'm tired and need to go to sleep.

ttyl
KIERAN

Normal/Abnormal

This is not in anyway a sexual blog, or maybe it is sexual and I don't realize it. But I don't think it is.
I notice that girls go to the bathroom together (it's like a bonding thing). They don't seem to have a problem at all with that. Girls dress and undress in front of each other without the horror of someone seeing them naked. They hang out in the bathroom and locker rooms at school. Guys can't do things like that. Guys have different rules. We have different standards to follow. We need to be ALL BOY but if we are too much boy, there's always someone who wants to put us on some drug to make us less BOY. From an early age, we're taught to be ashamed of our private parts (evil, dirty, nasty parts). I think boys are crippled with self doubt and shame from an early age because of negative social views, where as girls are viewed as innocent, sweet, caring, loving, etc (I know that girls have issues with social views too). So boys see things differently than girls, women, and even grown men because of this. Even something innocent will raise doubts about our bodies, our manhood and sometimes our sexualily. We stumble through life trying to get answers to questions that no one wants to answer and we're afraid to ask because of the risk that someone will make a joke out of it. We grow up trying to live up to standards and we tend to live down to stereotypes, and blindly just trying to survive. It's a messed up world for boys and I don't think most people know how to help. We're pressured to be ALL BOY. We are taught to act in a certain way, do certain things, don't do certain things, have certain feelings, not to have certain feelings, on and on and on.... Alot of the time, we're told to do something by one person, then told to not do that by someone else. We're told so many conflicting things that most of the time, there is no way to do the right thing. It's so confusing. Sadly, the only help we get is usually a weak joke, a sarcastic smile, behavioural drugs, and/or token PC crap mumbled by someone who has no business giving advice to anyone. But we usually make it through but only by comeing up with the answers ourselves.

Anyway........I guess I'm lucky, I've got great parents. But it's tough even with my parents. And there's some things that parents can't help with. There's some stuff I will not ask my parents for help with. But anyway.

I've got a friend here in Memphis, Zek. (Wow. Someone can actually stand to be around me.) He stayed over here all day yesterday, just hanging out. He really likes being on line but he can't use the computer at his house unless one of his parents is there with him. He wants me to help him set up a page somewhere. I'm not gonna set him up with one where I have one but I'm gonna do it somewhere cool. He's 16, homeschooled, and his Dad is a Baptist Preacher. So, it's kinda weird. He has less of a life than I do. LOL.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, we decided we would go to the mall and maybe catch a movie. So I took a shower. When I got into my room to get dressed, Zek was in there on the pc and watching tv. And I don't know why, but I wasn't comfortable dressing in front of him. Just about every good friend I've ever had, has seen me naked at one time or another (and I think we will be good friends). And I'm not usually prone to modesty even in front of strangers (that is other guys, I'm real modest in front of girls). So, I don't know if it's because of how I look right now, because I've had to be naked in front of so many people lately and I'm tired of it, or maybe I'm just getting older: but I wasn't gonna drop my towel. I kept it around my waist until I put my underwear on.

Like I said, I'm not a modest person. Me and my friend Will put on a show for some old dude in a swimming pool dressing room before. We had noticed him stareing at us most of the day (actually I think he was stareing at Will). Then when it was time for us to leave, he followed us into the bathroom/dressing room. We thought that since he was going to all the trouble to see us, we made sure he could see when we changed. It wasn't anything to us. We thought it was funny. But, for the most part, I'm not modest. Most of the time, I don't care.
But Zek being in my room when I got out of the shower got me to thinking about something else. Maybe he wanted to see me naked. Not in a sexual way but just to see (comparing). I've done that and still do sometimes. I'm curious and sometimes I want/need to see what other guys look like just to see if I'm normal, to see if I look the same or similar. It's not like most guys see alot of other guys naked. It's just not something that guys do. We are taught to be private. We dress alone, use the bathroom alone and everything else alone for survival. You don't show and you don't look, or you will be labeled a perv or something. And because of this we go thru life wondering if we are normal because we don't know what normal is.

Ok, there's been a few times I wouldn't do something because I might have to get naked in front of other guys. I didn't go to a camp once cause I was afraid I would get wood in the shower in front of other guys (I heard someone talking about that happening at camp the year before). I was 12 and anything/everything caused me to get wood, and I was afraid it would happen at the worst time. And right now, I'm a little shy about anybody seeing me naked because of being sick. I don't look normal right now, so I don't feel normal. But for the most part, I usually don't care.

But it's weird when I think about it. I've probably seen 10 guys naked in my life. Except for my brother and Dad, most have been close to my age. I don't think I've ever seen anyone naked at any of the schools I went to (I've seen movies where guys are showering in the locker rooms and stuff like that, but I've never seen anyone ever shower at school). I don't think I've ever seen but one guys pecker at school. That time it was a teacher in the bathroom and he made sure I saw it (he really was proud of that little thing). But for the most part, I follow the golden rule, YOU DON'T LOOK. Hell, at school, I'm afraid to look at mine. THIS IS RURAL MISSISSIPPIafter all. LOL.

But I was wondering if I've lived some kind of a sheltered life? I know it's kinda dumb to sit here counting how many guys I've seen naked, but it just seems like a low number. I've been on soccer teams, baseball teams, and basketball teams. I played from 8 year old till 15 year old. It just seems like there should be more instances than what I have.

I know I'm weird.

Thanks Giving

This Picture Makes Me Smile.

Me and Dad drove home yesterday for Thanksgiving dinner but we had to come back last night. It was a spooky drive. I've never really went a long distance on a holiday before or if I did, I don't remember it. But it seemed so weird. There was nothing open except a few convience stores. Everything looked like ghost towns because the stores had no cars in front of them. It was like something out of an end of the world horror movie. It was spooky but cool. But there was traffic, just not major traffic. That's another reason things seemed so weird. There was all of this traffic, people going all over the place but no businesses were open.
On the way back, alot of the convience stores were closed and there was almost no traffic. It was one of those nights you hope that you don't have car trouble. It was kinda gloomy. There was some clouds but when we were out in the boonies, it was kinda foggy. And it was cold. So I guess most people stayed the night with their families. It was even weirder on the way back because places that are always lit up, were closed and dark. At some places where there were normally alot of outside lights and traffic, it did look like the end of the world because of everything being closed. Some places we went thru were almost completely dark. Just a few street lights and stuff like that. It was an awesome drive back.
But I got to spend some time with the family. Plato is still crazy. He was so torn between being close to me and getting attention from everybody else. And to make it worse, Shea wants to be as close to Plato as possible. But Shea's a baby and he isn't gentle with Plato. But with Plato, any attention is still attention so he was eating it up. And Shea is getting big. Man he barely knows who I am. Kinda makes me sad. But what can you do. To be truthful, I didn't want to come back but it was part of being able to go home in the first place. Treatments and stuff still goes on no matter if it's a holiday or not. Man I miss being at home.
My Dad decided to work today and take off Monday and Tuesday. I think he's gonna take Mom out this weekend. Just their time. I've been feeling ok, so I finally talked them into doing something for them. I need to get them out of my hair for a couple of days. I think they're going up in the mountians of Arkansas to a spa or something like that. My Mom will love it.
So I guess I should tell about going to church to appologise to the preacher. I found out that he is a good person once I decided to trust him. So I decided to go to his church and appologise to him, I was out of line and acted like a crazy person the day I met him. And I was really really hoping to talk to him after church (I didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of people). But when we got there, he was standing at the door, welcoming everybody in. So I went up to him and shook his hand, he was very surprised to see me too. Anyway I told him that what I did was wrong. I told him I was truely sorry for what I said to him and that he did nothing wrong. He said something like it was ok and he understood what I was saying that day. And he asked me to stay after the service and talk for a few minutes. I said ok but it felt like being called to the principle's office. LOL. After sunday school and everything, he started his service. Part of his sermon was about what happened that day he came to the apartment. He preached about doing good deeds in the wrong way; even if it was innocently done, things can cause misunderstandings. Like asking me if I was saved when I'm sick. He didn't single me out or anything, but I knew what he was refering to. So after the service I waited till everybody had cleared out mostly and we talked for a few minutes. He wanted to make sure I didn't get mad about his sermon. He said that it was about our first meeting but he didn't want to embarrasse me. He said that he didn't know I was gonna be at the service that day or he would gave me a warning about his sermon. But it wasn't anything. I wasn't embarrassed.
Then I met his family. They're cool. He's got an awesome wife, almost a stepford wife. LOL. Just not robotic and demented. She's just great. His kids are ok. They teach their kids at church, kinda like home schooled. But there are a few other kids that go there. I guess it's a private church school. I didn't meet his oldest son, he's married and lives somewhere else. His oldest daughter is kinda wild looking but ok, she's like 20. His next daughter is 13 and real athletic. I haven't been around the girls that much, just a few minutes at church. His son Zek is 16 and kinda nerdy. LOL. Like I have the right to say anything like that about anybody. But he's been over a couple of times when his Dad has come over and it's kinda nice to have somebody my age around here. So maybe if I feel like it, we may go and check out a movie, or the mall. If I don't feel like it, we may just hang out over here or at his house. Probably over here. I'm more comfortable around here.

I hope everybody had a great Turkey Day.

Small Victories

I had a doctor say something about little victories. I didn't really catch on to what he said till I heard these women talking about it at the hospital. And I guess it's a way for some people to get thru tough times. I'm not saying it's a bad way to look at things. It's just not for me.
I want big victories. I want a homerun, not a bunt. I'm tired of small victories. With small victories, it seems there is always small defeats. Every time some doctor says something is going good, there always seems to be something that isn't going good. I'm tired of that crap.

Reflection

Whiner of the Year


At one time I was a brat, I think. I remember being mean to other people at times. Sometimes it wasn't as much being mean as it was just being dumb. I didn't understand that what I was doing was mean or I didn't want to know.

I remember making fun of a kid that was from a bad home. His family was real poor and didn't have the same stuff my family had. I remember things that I did that were just plain mean. He rode the same bus as I did. He was in the same grade as I was and I remember that one day he wore a pair of sweatpants to school. They were way too big for him. He just looked funny in them. His sweat shirt was a different color and had something like a teddybear on it. Even I knew that it didn't look right and I'm fashion diasbled. But anyway, a few of us started making fun of him and before long it was like everybody on the bus was laughing at him. I still don't know why I did that. I really did feel bad because of it. But I still acted like a brat.

I was at a baseball game when I was in little league. There was a kid on the other team who's mother would constantly tell him "It'll be alright", "You'll get the next one". Stuff like that. She would stand at the gate, next to the dugout and hug him just about every time he got near her. Maybe I was jealous or something, but I said something about it to the others in our dugout. I don't know if the woman or the kid ever new I was making fun of them. But when I did it I knew it felt wrong.
These are just a couple of things that I remember. Maybe I remember them the best because of the Old Saying,"what comes around, goes around".

I remember the kid in the sweat pants looked so skinny and his sweats were like balloons. Well that is how I looked awhile back. I looked like none of my clothes were mine. They were so big on me because I still had to get them to fit me length wise. And another reason I remember this so well, is because after Kat everything but my underwear was from charity. I didn't have any clothes but charity for months. But it was ok, I was proud of everything I got.

There's a few reasons I remember the Mom thing. One is that I was away from my parents for 9-10 months because of Kat. It was tough. I would have been proud to have my Mom hug me everyday. I missed having her around and telling me things will be ok. What that Mom was doing wasn't anything for me to be saying anything about. She was just being his Mom. What could be wrong with that?

The other reason I remember that, is because that kids Mom died a couple months later. I think she was trying to spend as much time with him as possible and show him that she loved him, because she had terminal cancer. I understand what she felt. I have days that I feel I should be with my family. I can understand the need. I'm not in that situation but I can still understand it. And it makes me remember how I acted that day. I'm ashamed of how I acted. I'm actually ashamed of alot of things I do. LOL.

I don't know if it's Karma or just the law of average that something bad I do will bite me in the ass later on in life. But I understand now that when something like this happens, it's never forgotten. It seems to pop into my head at weird times. "Hey dumbass, remember what you did to that kid on the bus"! It's a shitty feeling.

Ehhh.

I think I need Therapy or I need to start a list of people I have done wrong, like on "My Name Is Earl. It would be a huge list........

Another Day, Another Drama

My brother is going home today. He has an interview with a company about 60 miles on the other side of home. So he will probably stay at home in case there are other interviews and stuff. I'm kinda glad, cause the apartment is real small with him here. He just takes up alot of room, especially when there's nothing for him to do. I guess this isn't where he wanted to be at this time in his life. LOL. Join the club!

So? What am I to do? I'm gonna enjoy the crap out of it. LOL. Vacation. It's not like I'm a baby. I know how to use a phone. I know how to drive. I can cook. Hell, I can even change my own dirty nappys if I absolutely have to. My Mom is obsessing over all of this ( she's talking about taking off from her classes and I don't know if I can handle that), "What if you have a reaction to something?" "What if you get dizzy and fall?"" What if you get sick while your asleep?". Blah Blah Blah..... What she doesn't know is that big bro wasn't that much help anyway. He barely took care of himself, I don't even register on his radar. About the only thing he did was drive me where ever I needed to go. But my Dad is gonna leave his truck here and use a company car, so I have transportation. But I'm still not driving, so it's just for emergencies. When I need to go to see the docs, to the clinic, or the hospital I have other options than driving. We'll just have to figure them out. There are people that volunteer to drive for you thru the hospital. And believe it or not, the preacher that I cussed is another option. I went to his church last Sunday and appologised. He's been over a couple of times this week. He hasn't been pushy with religion or anything. Just visiting. He's a good guy. I'll tell about the visit to his church in a later entry. LOL.

It's weird, in someways I feel I've never been alone and then there are times that I feel I've always been alone. I guess that's normal. But I am capable of making the right decisions for me and I know how I feel better than anybody else. Man most of my life, my parents didn't have any problems with me or my decisions. Now than I'm old enought to take care of myself and make decisions for myself , they are afraid to let me. I know how things are in my life. I've gotten to where I know when I will feel bad, when I will be sick, and when I will feel good: that is as far as physically. Sometimes I'm down mentally but that's life. But I know about me. I really don't need a babysitter. I can deal with my boredom better than having to deal with my boredom and somebody else's. Plus it'll be nice to have some quite around here and the bathroom to myself most of the time. Now if I could only get free porn vids on my pc without it freezing up. LOL.

I didn't go to church this morning. I probably should have but I didn't feel like it. Whenever Mom is around lately, I've always got a headache. Mom = Headache. Yeah it fits. LOL.

Heaven

Mom is driving us ALL crazy today. I've just about had all I can take. Just what does she expect of 3 guys in an apartment. Stuff doesn't get cleaned like if she was here all the time. The toilet doesn't need cleaned. The last time I peed, I sprayed part of it down. I try to do that every time. I expect Dad and my brother to take care of what I missed. It's clean, Right? It is to us.

I've been trying to get Dad to take her out SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE. EVERYWHERE. Just get her out of here. I think I'm gonna take something and go lay down. Actually I should slip her something so she would lay down and go to sleep. But I'm not like that. LOL.

Potty Time

I think I've got some kind of a bathroom complex. There is always something bad (funny, sad, or just ignorant) that I see, that I do, or that happens to me that is associated with the bathroom. There's got to be some major trama that happened to me at some point in my early life to have causes this problem of mine. Or maybe I'm just wired wrong: Probably. LOL. Oh well, shit happens but hopefully in the bathroom.
OK, so here is today's installment of Potty Time.
My brother has some kind of stomach virus. Yea. I hope I get it too. LOL. But anyway, he's been spending quite abit of time in the bathroom, sometimes long noisey periods of time. So some of my meds make me have to pee bad. It's not old woman meds, it just works like it is. But anyway, he was in the middle of one of his episodes where he was trying to chip the toilet bowl and wouldn't get out so I could pee (like I really wanted to go in there without some protection from the death gas that was erupting from his sphincter). So I peed in an empty 20 oz coke bottle. Normally I would just take a whiz outside somewhere, but it's cold and there isn't any cover here. It's an apartment complex. Back home, it would have been no problem. But back to this morning, I put the lid on it and sat it on a table till it was safe to go in the bathroom and pour it down the toilet. And, I forgot about it.
This afternoon, my Dad came in and started cleaning up in the apartment. He saw the bottle and told my brother to see what it was. He took the lid off and smelled of it and dropped it like a bomb (you thought I was gonna say someone drank it, right. Nope, we're not that dumb). It hit the floor and splashed up on his leg, on the wall, and all over the floor. I've heard of IED's and WMD's, but this couldn't have been one of those. It was an EPB, Exploding Piss Bottle. And it must have been some kind of RANK to have caused that kind of reaction. I didn't think my pee smelled bad. But I don't think my farts do either. So, what do I know?
So the next thing was the reaction. There was some shock but no Awe. It was more like shock and anger. For me. I just busted out laughing and said, "Sorry, I forgot". Then I hid in the bathroom till my Dad was able to control him. But it was great. I'm so proud. It must be Karma or something. Shit is still catching up with him for all the crap I had to put up with.
So for a part of the afternoon, I've been trying to get pee out of the carpet and off the wall. I've had to clean the same spot on the carpet 5 times. I see a carpet cleaner in my future, probably tomorrow. Mom isn't that pleased with the state of affairs around here. LOL.

Owner Of A Boner

Maybe it's not the brightest thing that I've done in my life but it was funny. My brother said something to me today about when I was little: about I'm the owner of a boner. I guess I've had PDSS, Post Dramatic Stupidity Syndrome, cause I forgot it happened. It's something I guess I wanted to forget but my brother had to bring it back up. So here's the story.
This is one of the stories about how evil my brother was/is. I was 8, he was like 13-14. Anyway he was always saying stuff to me to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. He was always picking at me about something. I remember asking him if my pecker would ever get big and he said no. He said there was something wrong with me and it would never get bigger. I was kinda embarrassed about the whole little weiner thing and he just tortured me about it. None stop. It didn't matter who was around either, he would do or say anything to embarrassed me. His nickname for me at that time was "little dick". By the way, he had many nicknames for me. It was just a matter of who was around and how bad he wanted to embarrasse me. He was such a bastard. LOL.
So one morning I got out of bed and there it was. I was so proud. I ran down the hall, thru the den, and into the kitchen shouting "I'm The Owner Of A Boner" and pointing down at my underwear (I still don't know where that phrase came from but it's pretty catchy). For me, everything was right in the world. I was a BIG boy. I was normal. I was gonna be ok..............
You know, it should be against the law to torture little kids like that. LOL.

Sleeping Pills

I've been around academia lot, especially where I used to live. People my Mom worked with and students were always coming around ( she would talk all educated to some people and then she would talk like a regular person the rest of the time ). For the most part, they spoke in a language all their own. It's more than double talk, it's usually loud double talk in code with keywords and alot of twisted meaning. For the most part, it's just talk. It's exchanging ideas in an elitist vocabulary. It has it's rules. But it's easier to understand when it's spoken than when it's written. Man, reading it is like trying to keep from going to sleep when you've taken meds that make you sleepy. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to listen to it too but at least you get a little comedy and some drama when it's spoken. In written form, it's just a jumble of words with no emotion.
I ran upon the blog of a grad student at Ole Miss. Man he is ripe with it. He's like the people that would come to my Mom's office a few years ago just to regurgitate something they had read or to discuss some hidden truth that only they could see. When I was little, I enjoyed listening to them. They were funny and fun to be around: as a little kid. But now it just bores me. I'm not demeaning them. I would have to really understand them first. I would have to understand the reason behind their need to understand the (for the most part) meaningless. I would have to understand the meaning behind their need to throw out token phrases from obscure and not so obscure authors, and use that as evidence that what they are saying is correct. I know that theory is important. That isn't what I'm saying. It's the hours, days, months, and sometimes years searching for evidence to substantiate a theory about why punctuation was placed at a certain point in a novel is what I don't understand. It's the almost rabid and sometimes psychotic ranting about life, using the works of authors from 1000 of years ago as examples of some social flaw, social injustice, or even some genetic mutation in society today. It's their ability to squeeze a moment of truth out of 1000s of years of vagueness. It's their ability to use the lack of truths as evidence of truth. I just don't understand it. It's not that I believe it's meaningless, because I don't. I'm not demeaning their effort or their intelligence. I just don't understand it or them. There's no end product. There's nothing tangible. It's just evidence of thought ( I thought this, so it is and that is my evidence ). But at least it is evidence of thought. LOL. I've never been accused of that so maybe I'm just jealous.

Nope, He Didn't Touch Me.

I read this article about molestation and the ignored effects of societies need to spotlight all cases: no matter the consequences. It was completely different from any view of this blight on our society. It wasn't the view that most of America sees. But I think it is very eye opening. It seems that what this family should be in therapy for is the treatment by the authorities. How this family was treated was horrible and it just shows what happens when a key word is used in our society: "Molester". We get political hacks who become protectors of the people that don't need protection except from political hacks with authority.
I don't have the first hand knowledge on this subject that it seems the rest of America has. I think my family is one of the few families in America that hasn't had some horrid sexual act perpretratedon it. But a friend was molested when we were younger, at the time he was my best friend. After it happened, we did talk about it a couple of times because I knew the person that molested him too. And there was alot of stuff that my parents told me not to talk about or ask him; which the first chance we were alone, I automatically asked him. We were pretty honest with each other about just about everything and he didn't have a problem talking about it with me. I never harrassed him for details or anything like that. It was more like he just wanted to tell me what happened cause of all the stuff that other people were saying. The first time was a few weeks after it happened. He just told me what happened. The last time was a few years later, just before Hurricane Katrina, which is close to the last time I saw or talked to him. The last time he told me about everything. I don't think he left anything out.
I won't get into details or anything like that, but he did say alot of stuff that was very similar to things that were written in the article. He felt that what he had to go thru with the cops, doctors, and social workers was worse than being molested. He said that the molestation hurt but then it was over. It bothered him to a point but it wasn't something that he wanted everybody to know about. But the stuff that went on after with the people "that were trying to help him", was much worse. He said that he went to Doctors and all that went with that. All the touching and stuff what went on with that was infront of other people. He had to describe what happened to the doctor. Then later, he had to tell about it over and over again to whoever happened to need to hear it: cops, lawyers, family, therapist, social workers, etc. He said it felt like they were getting some sick pleasure from his discription of what when on. His family was so messed up because of everything. The social worker actually told his parents that he could be taken away from them if they couldn't show that their home was going to be safer (his little brother spent that first night after it happened, in the care of the state and my friend was in the hospital). His family had to get a lawyer to help them thru all of the craziness that was going on. He said that if his mother hadn't found his underwear with a blood stain in them, he would have never said anything about it, EVER. He said that as bad as being molested was, it didn't compare to the real molesting he got after. He said that he was molested by this guy and he didn't want that to happen. He hated every minute of it. He said that he didn't want to go thru all the stuff that happened after it. It was without his consent too and that no matter what, he had to keep on going because he was afraid of the social workers, lawyers, cops, doctors, etc. He said that he knew that what the guy did to him was wrong. He understood that. But what the rest of them did to him felt just as wrong. They pressured him for details. Sometimes it felt that they were telling him what they wanted to hear. His family was constantly being pressured to do this, do that...... And at no time did he feel that there was anybody, besides his family, on his side.
So what's the difference between being molested by someone and being molested by authorities trying to get information about molestation. To me they are close to the same. See his nightmares weren't about being raped but about his life being torn apart by authorities investigation his raped. See during most of it, he was a after thought. He was a means to an end. He was the way to get this person locked up. In reality, who cares about the victim (an 11 year old) anyway, when there's a predator on the loose.
I just thought about this. I do have alittle first hand knowledge about part of this. After he was molested, I was questioned by my parents a few times and a cop once. Did I ever go over to that place? Has anyone ever touched me on my privates? Blah blah blah. Like I was ever gonna fall into that trap.
My friend was killed last year in a car wreck. A drunk driver hit the car he was in. I don't know why I thought of him today. His family moved to Ohio after Kat and I've really missed having him around. For most of my life he was my best friend, my only friend. I guess I'm just tired.

What's Going ON? A little bit about me.........

I guess I should say something about what's going on in my life in a more straight forward way. I'm used to my other site, so without a little history lesson, nothing makes much sense in my blogs. For the most part I write about stuff that happens to me but I do write about other stuff.
I'm 17 but I act like I'm 12. I'm not in school because of health reasons but I wasn't in school that much anyway. I live in North Mississippi but at the moment I'm in an apartment in Memphis so I can be close to my doctors. My Dad works in Memphis and he stays here alot. My older brother is staying with me and supposedly looking for a job. He is a recent college graduate. He's 23 years old. My Mom teaches English and Lit in college. She is usually here on the weekend. My Sister is 20. She is married and has a son.
We lived most of my life on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. My parents and me were there thru Kat, my sister and brother were away at college. We went about 20 miles inland to a shelter and rode out the storm there. We didn't think it was gonna hit us and we barely got that far. LOL. After Kat, I stayed with family in N. Mississippi while my parents stayed on the coast. They rebuilt our house and then we moved away from the coast cause my Mom didn't want to live there anymore. We moved to where my parents were both raised. That's where I live now. It's real rural but I like it.
I write about just about anything. I don't have many manners and I'm not afraid to make myself look like an idiot. So beware, there's alot of ugly and smelly stuff in my blogs. But it's just my life.

The Horror

My Dad sleeps on the couch most of the time when he stays here. He puts his clothes and suitcase in my closet cause it's bigger that the closet in the other room. This morning I woke up early. I heard someone moving around in my room. When I opened my eyes, there was my Dad with his back to me. He was naked and bending over to get clean underware out of his suitcase on the floor. There are things in this world that should never be seen by innocent eyes and this is one of those things. I wonder if this is some rite of passage because I've actually seen one of the most horrible sights in the world and I survived. I'm alive. I'm not blind. I didn't go crazy from the horrible mental torture that I went thru. Yes, my name is Kieran and I'm a survivor. LOL.
But you know what was going thru my head at that moment: I hope that's not what my balls are gonna look like in 25 years. Isn't there like plastic surgery that you can get done to your ball sack to make it not look so ugly? Eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm so depressed. I've seen the future and it's B-U-T-T ugly. LOL.
Thank God it wasn't my Mom.

Organization Equals Corruption

I understand now that my family is religious. I never really thought that when I was growing up. We went to church but it wasn't something that was demanded of us. When I was old enough to stay at home by myself, I decided for myself. Nothing was forced on me. My parents are members of the church that we attend now. They've been members since they were teenagers. I never knew that till last week. All the time they were away, they never became members of another church. When we moved here, we even went to other churches to check them out. But in the end, they were more comfortable at that church. It's kinda cool. We have alot of family there. I think we are kin to most of the people there but distant kin.
But I don't think I will ever be a member of that church or any church. There's alot of reasons that I could use but for the most part it's one thing: I will not become a member of any group that uses intimidation, harassment, and innuendo against people they don't know or even try to understand. And it may not be from the "church" it's self but from members, but that to me is still a problem of the church. I know that people gossip. I know that people try to force their beliefs on others. I know that people try to use force to get their way. But when it's in this setting (a church), it's more than "people", it's institutional. It becomes a lifestyle ( I'm good, Your evil). It becomes Mob Rule. I won't be part of that. I don't want to force my beliefs on anyone and I don't want anybody to try to force their beliefs on me.
I don't like the use of the term "Christian". To me it means good, kind, giving, and spiritual. But it's used by many as an excuse to be less than "Christian". Most of the time when I hear someone use that definition for themselves, I know they are not "Christians". I don't think any person should use their religious beliefs to define themselves. I think it's very un-Christian. Spirituality should be a personal thing. It should be a personal belief in a higher being, not a cookie-cutter model that someone made up to gain power over other people. But maybe that's just my own belief. I could be wrong.
I think there are many things that's good about going to church. I like the commonality of beliefs. It's important to be with like minded people. I also think it's important to have a spiritual center for worship. I like the charity work and community service that happens thru churches. But with that, I don't like the pressure that goes with "giving". I don't like the bragging that goes with it. I think giving should be something that isn't bragged about. It shouldn't be used by the "Church" to get others to give bigger donations. It should be a private thing not between a member and the church, but between a person and his Lord. I think there are too many people that miss that point but also I think there are too many people in this world that miss the point in just about everything in life. So what's new.
But I think that any group that puts forth how great they are, should be above being small minded and petty. They should live up to their values, not down to their fears. They should spend more time judging their own lives and less time trying to save someone that doesn't need saving. But with all of that, I still have faith in the goodness of "Christians", just not with the Church or any organized religion. Organization to me is just another word for corruption.

I'm Going Straight To Hell for this one....

I get asked alot of questions. I'm getting better at figuring out which to answer and which ones don't need answers. See there are alot of questions in life, some more loaded than others. Most of the time, greetings are just questions that are really not questions at all: they're just greetings.
How are you?
How's it going?
How are you feeling today?
The question (greeting) is alot of the time just as automatic as the answer (Ok. Could be better. etc). They are just automatic responses to a greeting.
But then you get into the loaded questions that are used as greetings. The kind that I don't like. The kinds of questions that I feel puts pressure on me to give a certain response; or if not the correct response, then I should feel small for not being able to give that response. These really bother me. Sometimes I give the answer that I think that person is wanting. Sometimes I ignore the question. But most of the time, I just answer honestly. And then I try to avoid that person from then on.
Welllllllllll, it just so happens that this has been happening alot lately and with pretty much the same question but from different persons. I've met a few preachers at different places since I've been back in Memphis. There's always at least one making the rounds at the hospital and a couple have come over to visit at the apartment (I don't no how they found out where I'm staying cause I would never tell them). And just about every time I hear the same kind of question, "Have you excepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior?" OR "Have you been saved into the Church?"
I've put up with it but last week I had had enough. A preacher came over to visit. My Dad let him in. I was laying on the couch, I didn't feel that great at that moment and really didn't want company (my Dad told me later that he shouldn't have invited him in but the preacher was a little forceful). He came in and stuck his hand out to shake. When I reached to shake his hand, he asked me, "Have you except the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior?" It hit me like a lightening bolt, what an incredibly rude way to greet someone. I pulled my hand back. I asked him did he think that was a pleasant way to greet someone for the first time. And since my answer to his question could be "NO", what was his response going to be, that it's something I should be thinking about since I'm sick? Was his main objective coming over here to make me feel even worse? I told him that he didn't make me feel worse. His ignorant question just made me mad. I told him that it was none of his fu-king business and I went back to my bedroom (that word kinda slipped out and it made my Dad so very proud of me, NOT). He left not long after that, with my Dad apologizing for me. LOL. My Dad has since stated that I should refrain from cussing people who are invited into our home and especially preachers.
Oh well, shit happens.
But that stuff bothers me. It's like someone coming up to me and demanding I be like them. If I'm not, then I should feel bad. It's just not right. And I understand that it was probably something that was natural, his natural greeting. To me it was an accusation or an act of aggression. He attacked me. LOL. Maybe he'll put out the word through the grapevine, that I'm crazy and to leave me alone. And maybe he'll think before he asks that question from now on. See I don't mind telling the people I know about my personal beliefs. It's not a secret. But it's not a casual conversation piece with strangers because it's my spirituality and not a group belief. I don't go up to strangers and hold out my hand, and say "Are you a bigoted Christian?" That's what I should have asked him but I didn't think of it then.
Man you should see my journal. Since then just about every thing has been about religion. LOL. It's funny, some of the dumb crap I say when I get mad. I lose what little intelligence I have. Nothing I've put in my blog is a rant compared to the "mad" entries in my journal.
I just wonder how everybody else handles stuff like this. How do you answer a question like that without feeling like your in an interrogation? I feel bad now how I acted. I think I should have been a better person and just ignored it. And I went wayyyyy overboard with my language. I let something bother me and maybe it was too easy to be offended by this? But sometimes enough is enough. Right now, things are messed up enough without people I don't know adding to it. Maybe I'm not perfect after all.
Nahhhh. I'm still perfect.