Tough Day **Old Post from 5-07**

When I write about somethings that go on in my life, I have this way of making things so dramatic. I don't try to make things seem so dramatic or traumatic. It's never as bad as it sounds with me. I guess I need to use a different color or something. LOL.
I didn't get to watch the soccer match today and from the score, I didn't miss much. LOL. But I had a good reason for not seeing it, a friend of mine died Monday and I went to his funeral today. When I was in the hospital, I met this kid there. We talked baseball and stuff. He was a Cardinals fan, so he was cool in my book. He had been in the hospital alot, and he had been in remission a few times but it kept coming back. Each time it came back, he was weaker from everything and he wasn't getting better. I haven't talked about him any cause it was kinda personal. It wasn't anything that I felt I needed to talk about. Plus I didn't feel right talking about him when he was that sick. But I guess it's ok now.
It's weird cause I didn't really get to know anybody there but him. I met alot of people, but most were here and then gone. But we just seemed to like the same things. We played alot of card games. Mostly spades and poker. It wasn't like we were always hanging out together. It's kinda tough to do that with the way things were but we did hang out as much as possible. He made things there not as bad as it would have been otherwise and I'm glad I got to know him. He was a cool person. We talked on the phone a few times after I got out and I visited every time I went to Memphis. But the last couple times I called him, I only got to talk to his Mom or Dad. I knew when I got out of the hospital, he was probably not going to live much longer. He knew it too. It's the only reason I was sad when I came home. I did and do miss him.
Me and my Mom went early because his Mom wanted to talk to me before the service. She didn't say why she wanted to talk to me, just that she wanted me to come up this morning to their house. All afternoon yesterday, I was sad and kinda freaking out. I've never went to someone's house like that and I really didn't know how I would react. If she started crying, I would probably lose it. I just don't know how to do stuff like that.
Well I did lose it. She started crying when we got there. She hugged me for along time. It was so sad. How can people live thru that? I was kinda scared. But she just wanted to tell me something that he told her. He told her that I was the best friend he ever had. He had been sick so long, he didn't have any friends. I am the best friend he had, how sad is that? But I didn't even think about that, maybe I should have. We talked alot when I was there. We hung out together when we could. We were both taking treatments and couldn't do alot of stuff: we had to keep a bathroom in eye sight when we could actually get out of bed. I told him about Plato. So his Dad got him a black Lab puppy. And he did name it Plato. It was cool. I gave him a Cardinals World Championship shirt to wear around the hospital. We talked about soccer. I got him into soccer and ManU. We even talked about Nascar and football. He was a Tennessee fan and I couldn't get him to change to Ole Miss. LOL. Those crazy Tennessee people. LOL. But he was a cool kid.
When I left Memphis, she said he started getting worse real fast but he wouldn't let on to me when we talked on the phone. She told me that the phone calls and the few visits from me were the best part of any day he had after I went home. After the service, went back to their house. We sat around and talked about him. She said that what made him want to be around me was that I was always doing dumb and crazy stuff at the hospital. We did play a few practical jokes while I was there. I talked him into standing on the air/heating unit in front of the windows and stick his naked butt against the window ( I did the same thing, it had to have been a ugly moon that day ). I talked him into farting in the face of this one nurse we didn't like. And he did, he cut loose a ripper. It like to have changed her hair color. I got my Mom to get some saran wrap. We tore off a big sheet and covered the toilet seat in the bathroom by the community room. Some lady went in there, and then we heard a exclamation and a few expletives. She came out with pee soaked pants. I guess when she sat down, the plastic must have stuck to her bottom. When she started to pee, she noticed it wasn't going into the toilet bowl and stood up, and the pee on the saran wrap ran down her legs. That was priceless ( I've done this prank before and I've had it done to me before but this was the best ever ). We did have some fun. Just not enough.
After about an hour, we left. She hugged me again like the first time, she asked if it would be ok to call and see how I was doing and maybe I could come up for a visit sometime. I told her yes. The whole family is way cool and I told her she could call me anytime for any reason.
It's weird but in a way, I'm not that sad. I'm sad for me. I'm sad for his family. But I'm not that sad for him. I think he was tired. I think he had hurt too long and too much. I do think that at some point, too much is too much. Maybe I'm just being dumb but it's how I see it. I do think there are worse things than death, like endless pain.
Yesterday I did have some scary stuff going thru my head. He went thru remissions and relapses. Each one seemed to be stronger than the last. See each time the treatments get worse and you get closer to the point where there is no treatment that will cure you. I guess it's always in the back of my head that it's probable that I will go the same route. I know that I should think I am special and invincible, but sometimes I do have rational thoughts that squeeze out of my brain. But I do try to suppress all rational thinking. Who wants to live in a rational world anyway? I want to live in my own little world, with my own rules. LOL.
I'm beat tonite and I'm going to bed early. My brain is mush right now and I need some sleep.