"I'm not a smart man"

It's funny how that line stuck with me because I truly hated the movie. But maybe I tried to read too much into it especially since I got to be old enough to understand things a little better. But it always makes me think of the dumb stuff I do and the stuff that happens to me. So I decided to share some of the completely ignorant, dumb, redneck(pick an adjective) things I have had the pleasure of being involved with.

Brain Dead Moment - I had to read a story that I wrote during class, in front of the class ( the story was about going to St.Louis to the Cardinals game). I thought I was so smart, so sophisticated: A true artist. Anyway I strutted up front and started the story. Then I got to this line. I don't remember it exactly but it was something like "I wanted to meet a pacific ballplayer". Half the class laughed. The other half, didn't even catch it and I was one of the one's that didn't catch it. The teacher made a point of bringing it up after I finished. Pacific/specific, what's the difference.

Not As Clever As I Thought - I thought I was so smart with my first messenger Id. I really wanted something that identified me as an Ole Miss fan. So I tried a lot of different names. I tried for hours. I would have had to used something like olemissfan10902342342409820498120934: not very unique. I wanted something that was just mine. So I finally got the ideal to combine Ole Miss and the Cardinals. The chant for Ole Miss is Hotty Totty (Hotty totty gosh almight, who the hell are we, etc) and I'm a cardinals fan. So I did hottytottyredbird. Man what a mistake. Everybody thought I was some party girl out for a good time. It was VERY painful and not that great of a boost to my self-esteem. I didn't use that id after a few days. Matter of fact, I really didn't use messenger till after Kat about a year later. LOL. Gun shy.

Busted For Something I Wasn't Doing - When I got to my Uncle and Aunts house after Kat, the first few nights I slept in the den. The pc I have now was my Uncles then and it was in the den. So I used his id to get on line. My cousin had a cam hooked to the pc. Anyway, I woke up that first morning and the first thing I did was get online. I didn't even get dressed. I was chatting with someone my age. He lives in Florence, Alabama which isn't far away. Then I noticed the cam. So I turned it on and put my sorry face on line. About that time my Uncle came in. He saw the cam was on and all I had on was my briefs. Of course he thought I was showing the world what I look like in my briefs or worse showing what I look like without my briefs. He got mad and took the cam. He sent it to his son who was away at college at Vandy. The thing is is that I couldn't even say I wasn't doing that because I was on line dressed like that. But all anyone could see was my face. But that didn't make any difference. He said, "We don't allow that kinda of behaviour around here". He treated me like some pervert from that point on. Or Prevert as I call it. LOL

Wrong Place, Wrong Time - I had to go to the orthopedic clinic when I was like 6. I had to wear a cast on my arm because I broke it kinda. But anyway before we went to the clinic, we stopped at McDonalds for burgers, fries, and drinks. We ate on the way over to the clinic. Me and my Mom went in while my Dad stayed in the car with my sister and brother. Anyway I got my cast off and was happy. So when we got back to the car, we all got in. I picked up my drink and I think I swallowed about half a cup of my brothers pee. While I was in the clinic, my brother had to pee. So my Dad said to pee in an empty cup. Mine wasn't empty and his was empty, but he peed in mine, Go Figure...I was sick for the rest of the day but I got my dang cast off.

The Things Kids Say - Sometimes after school I had to stay with this lady till my parents came to get me. Anyway I asked her who could I have sex with. She said "anybody that you like". I said "I like you, can I have sex with you?" I think I was 7-8 years old. My Mom told me later, not to be saying stuff like that. But now my Mom loves to share that little story with anybody that gets in ear shot. I was such a dumb kid.

Questions You Don't Want To Answer but Especially Not In Front Of Other People - The other day I was getting a check up and some meds cause I've been really tired, sick, and hurting (It kinda goes in cycles like that). But Brother Frank was with me. It was ok cause I wasn't expecting anything embarrassing (my bad for thinking that). But the doc was asking me all of these questions: Do your teeth hurt, Have you noticed blood on toothbrush, Any blood in your mouth, Do you have painful urination, Noticed blood in urine, Have you had rashes, headaches, joint pain, blah blah blah. He asked a million questions. Anyway he asked me if I had any pain during or after masturbation (not the exact wording): swelling of my testicles, any abdominal pain, any testicular pain, any problems at all.........I mumbled, no (I should have said, "I've noticed my penis will swell up sometimes especially when I'm looking at Internet porn or when it's rubbed. And it's swollen and painful in the mornings especially when I wake up and I have to pee real bad"). Man what is up with those questions? I understand that he probably thought Brother Frank was family. But what made him think I would want to talk about masturbation or anything to do with my penis in front of anybody, including family. Brother Frank said something about going to check on some other kids and said where he would be when I got done (did I ever say that I thought he's a pretty cool dude). After he left, I could answer the doc's questions a little easier (if telling a stranger stuff like that is ever easy). Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Now, it's kinda funny but it wasn't at that moment. LOL.
Hey that could be a new reality show, asking people very very private and embarrassing questions on live Tv. If there's enough prize money involved, sign me up.......Hell, I've been asked just about everything embarrassing you can think of over the last year.