Reflection

Whiner of the Year


At one time I was a brat, I think. I remember being mean to other people at times. Sometimes it wasn't as much being mean as it was just being dumb. I didn't understand that what I was doing was mean or I didn't want to know.

I remember making fun of a kid that was from a bad home. His family was real poor and didn't have the same stuff my family had. I remember things that I did that were just plain mean. He rode the same bus as I did. He was in the same grade as I was and I remember that one day he wore a pair of sweatpants to school. They were way too big for him. He just looked funny in them. His sweat shirt was a different color and had something like a teddybear on it. Even I knew that it didn't look right and I'm fashion diasbled. But anyway, a few of us started making fun of him and before long it was like everybody on the bus was laughing at him. I still don't know why I did that. I really did feel bad because of it. But I still acted like a brat.

I was at a baseball game when I was in little league. There was a kid on the other team who's mother would constantly tell him "It'll be alright", "You'll get the next one". Stuff like that. She would stand at the gate, next to the dugout and hug him just about every time he got near her. Maybe I was jealous or something, but I said something about it to the others in our dugout. I don't know if the woman or the kid ever new I was making fun of them. But when I did it I knew it felt wrong.
These are just a couple of things that I remember. Maybe I remember them the best because of the Old Saying,"what comes around, goes around".

I remember the kid in the sweat pants looked so skinny and his sweats were like balloons. Well that is how I looked awhile back. I looked like none of my clothes were mine. They were so big on me because I still had to get them to fit me length wise. And another reason I remember this so well, is because after Kat everything but my underwear was from charity. I didn't have any clothes but charity for months. But it was ok, I was proud of everything I got.

There's a few reasons I remember the Mom thing. One is that I was away from my parents for 9-10 months because of Kat. It was tough. I would have been proud to have my Mom hug me everyday. I missed having her around and telling me things will be ok. What that Mom was doing wasn't anything for me to be saying anything about. She was just being his Mom. What could be wrong with that?

The other reason I remember that, is because that kids Mom died a couple months later. I think she was trying to spend as much time with him as possible and show him that she loved him, because she had terminal cancer. I understand what she felt. I have days that I feel I should be with my family. I can understand the need. I'm not in that situation but I can still understand it. And it makes me remember how I acted that day. I'm ashamed of how I acted. I'm actually ashamed of alot of things I do. LOL.

I don't know if it's Karma or just the law of average that something bad I do will bite me in the ass later on in life. But I understand now that when something like this happens, it's never forgotten. It seems to pop into my head at weird times. "Hey dumbass, remember what you did to that kid on the bus"! It's a shitty feeling.

Ehhh.

I think I need Therapy or I need to start a list of people I have done wrong, like on "My Name Is Earl. It would be a huge list........